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11/07/2023

11:14am

bpd moment temporarily over the manager of my accommodation came and told off the house staff for being mean to be yesterday night which made me spiral and the police came bc I was trying to st4b myself but yeah anyways mental health meeting at 1 and I saw a really cute scemo person on my feed and I wanted to do my makeup nice and stuff but I was scared by a fly in my bathroom ;;

anyways probably gonna go to the store later and get some b/p food since I wasn’t really in the mood to eat a lot yesterday since I was fasting and was going through it >_<

09/07/2023

12:27pm

///Vent///

bpd thoughts got a bit out of hand and I b/p-ed and I can tell I didn’t get everything up and I don’t have a scale so I just started screaming and crying and ripped out some of my hair in front of my sister 😭 I’m really losing it but anyways an ambulance is coming but they never do anything so I don’t know what the point of trying is anymore I just want to end it all I can’t get my fp back I’ve cut off all my friends I don’t have the strength to work or go to school I still haven’t reached my gw and I can’t even do bulimia right anymore I just wanna be free I wanna be in a park at 3am while someone smokes a cigarette and we both stare at the sky and live only in that moment but I’m just destined to be alone forever until I get the courage to kms

24/04/2023

I have an <100 cal tomato pasta recipe for anyone who wants pasta while restricting it’s so fking good I’d literally binge on this 😭

ingredients:

konjac “skinny” fettucine pasta (6cal/100g)

beast Italian cook-in pizza sauce (64cal/100g)

salt

instructions:

•wash pasta in a bowl with cold water a few times

•boil kettle

•pour boiling water into the bowl and salt (I usually open the big one and shake it over it 5 times)

•leave it to stand for a few minutes

•drain pasta and put it in a small bowl

•put 3 forkfuls of sauce on pasta and mix it together

•sprinkle some more salt if you’re a menace to society

•put in the microwave for 1-2mins (my microwave is 700watts I think so adapt accordingly)

•wait for it to cool down a bit for a minute

•done! it’s so good I could literally live off of this forever

20/04/2023

12:31pm

crying bc the ed clinic is only offering you 10 sessions of therapy>>>

now I have to get skinny but at the same time I don’t want to die bc I don’t want them to win I don’t want them to kill me and destroy my family I want to be stronger and not need them so I’m so conflicted anyways I need to get up

20/04/2023

4:25am

I spent all of yesterday reading and sleeping ToT I really need to get back to my house since I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at 1 and then my nails appointment on Saturday at 1 x(

Also I’ve been treating my family to food and groceries and random shopping as well as buying myself binge food and I looked at my account and I spent all my money lmao I’m still annoyed at myself but whatever I get paid in a couple of days again so I’ll just have to put aside more money than I initially intended and really focus on restricting so I don’t run out of money for food

my cw is 43.2kg since I keep messing up when purging (I literally cannot purge rice it’s so hard) I just wish I could wake up and be 33kg already I’m so tired every day from dehydration and malnutrition it’s so annoying whether I fast or restrict or b/p I’m just exhausted and I feel like a husk of a person

I’ve been reading this manhwa and it is so good and it has a lot of dark themes which is always refreshing to see in the isekai genre (I realised I read a lot nowadays) I barely engage with my hobbies anymore since b/p-ing is so time consuming but I’ve recently replaced watching a random show while bingeing with reading so I get to do that a lot more often and I tend to procrastinate less on purging now

Also I saw a mouse in the sitting room and was so scared so now I sleep in the bedroom with my sis and she really hates it bc I go to sleep late and stuff and she finds me disruptive so that’s why I usually sleep on a mattress on the floor in the sitting room when I visit but recently I’ve been on the sofa but yeah anyways my mum offered to sit with me in the sitting room if I needed to eat since she noticed since then I didn’t eat since I was too scared to get food which was really sweet so I only managed to eat once yesterday and idk what I’ll do today since my sis is going to work and idk if my mum is working but yeah T^T

Anyways I’m on 3% and my sis is using her charger so that her phone is fully charged when she wakes up for work in a couple of hours so I guess I’ll go to sleep after this -_-

17/04/2023

11:34am

my cw is 43.5kg I kinda wanted it to be lower but oh well -_-

I ended up b/p-ing yesterday after church it was kinda boring and me and my sis are agnostic so I was just there because I have nothing to do and my sis was there because she just likes the part at the end where we all just talk and have tea xD (me too I love tea and biscuits and I got a hug and two kisses from this lady bc we’re from the same tribe so like yippee!)

I found this new manhua and the art style is so good and the plot is interesting and I’m so glad bc I just reached the latest chapter of this manhwa I was reading the past few days while restricting and I was scared I was going to be bored ;;

also my scars have gotten a lot lighter (from compulsive skin picking) so I decided not to wear a disposable face mask today to cover it since I’m usually insecure and yesterday was pretty much the first day I’ve actually felt pretty and while I was walking home from church this woman kept staring at me and me and my sis turned around to give her a dirty look bc we were confused and then she said to my sis that I’m pretty and like🥺 and two people let me cut the line today in the store so maybe I am pretty but idk

anyways I feel weird since I’ve never felt like this before but I feel like the scale is lying and I’m like 46kg or something bc this feels off like how do I lose weight every time I purge

I wrote a lot of disjointed ideas down but I forgot to write yesterday so I guess this makes up for it and I haven’t even finished the day yet so I’ll probably have more to say but I made lasagne at 6am today and ate like half of it and one thing I hate ab bulimia aside from 24/7 heart pain edema and my imminent death is the fact that I can’t taste anything properly nothing tastes good anymore I buy two pizzas just to take 2 bites and spit it out I can just about tolerate a few squares of chocolate I was even forcing myself to eat the lasagne until I gave up halfway like everything that was meant to be yummy is just painful and it would be nice if I could restrict and avoid food like someone with a restrictive ed but I binge 24/7 while squinting my eyes in pain while I eat food that I hate and I only really enjoy getting to have like 2 litres of diet soda since I find it refreshing and I restrict fluids so I never get to have more than a sip of water to wash down my laxatives outside of a b/p episode but today my favourite soda tastes gross too after a while and I just felt really upset :(

15/04/2023

11:31pm

I was meant to use this as a diary but I always fail at restricting and end up b/p-ing and feel embarrassed changing my cw on my accounts but I think if I keep this up for a week maybe I’ll feel better about posting😵‍💫

had 48cals today even though I was sure I was going to binge I feel like it really is just all in my mind

I wanted to lose weight for an anime convention but my housemate doesn’t seem to like me anymore and I know they want to lose weight so I feel like maybe if I reach my ugw they would want to go with me but I know it’s silly >_<