Kim

(via kadluska)

stay strong love❤

Things I learned (via thelifeofjasonmccann)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkbYxF7I7l8

Do you ever just wake up and think, “I don’t think I can do this anymore”?

Lately, this has been me. I’m not talking about not being able to live anymore, just about not being able to live this particular way. I don’t know if anyone is going to read my blog. If nothing else, this is just going to be a way for me to express my feelings and hopefully sort through my issues by actually saying them aloud. 

If somebody asked me, “Chelsea, when was the first time you turned to food as a relief?”, I honestly don’t think I’d have an answer to that. Growing up, I think I was fairly confident as a child. I do,however, remember losing confidence almost overnight, as that’s when puberty hit me. It’s almost as if the day I woke up with boobs, which I swear was as instantaneous as it sounds, I became “uncool”. For me, this happened at the ripe age of around 10 I believe. My body matured a lot quicker than the majority of the girls in my grade, and until this started happening, I was stick thin. And I was what a child would probably call “popular”.

It was as if the moment my appearance became outside the “norm” I wasn’t as well-liked. This all happened near the end of fifth grade, so naturally it just got worse going into junior high. From sixth to eight grade, before I moved, I was continuously put through hell every day I went to school. I didn’t have the right hair, the right clothes, I wasn’t the right size, I didn’t do the right activities in school. The more my body grew, the more I ate. My metabolism was much higher at the time, so my issue with food was seemingly not really an issue at all. Keep in mind (a little side note here), life at home was not at all perfect during these year. My mom was going to school at the time, trying to better herself for our family. The man she was married to at the time did not at all like women. Naturally, me being the only female around the majority of the time, I received much of his anger and abuse. That’s not to say my mom didn’t go through any of it because I 100% know she did.

In eighth grade, my mom was able to safely leave this man and we moved to a city in the surrounding area, which allowed for me to go to a new school and, I felt, reinvent myself. From the outside, it would have looked like I definitely had my shit together. I found my love for music through the band. I did well with my grades, I won Homecoming two years in a row…I was doing really well. Through all of this, however, the words of my previous step-father and the bullies at my old school stuck with me. I woke up every morning looking in the mirror and telling myself everything they had once told me. I obsessed over my weight and appearance. Every minute of every day I thought about what I could do to be thin. Somewhere around sophomore/junior year, I began to be very restrictive with my diet. I barely ate and always told the people around me that I had a “stomach ache” when they would get suspicious. 

My junior year of high school, my Aunt Tori died…March 28, 2011. It was the day that my world had literally turned upside down. Tori had suffered from depression/anxiety/eating disorders her whole life. That day, she took her own life. You would think that with this happening I would turn my life around and find treatment for the same issues that I had that overtook my aunt….I didn’t. Granted, I did go to counseling for a short amount of time, but it wasn’t enough to count for anything. Instead of healing, everything just got worse. I began bingeing more and more than ever before. I went back and forth between restrictive eating and bingeing. The second semester of my senior year, I gained around 20-25lbs just the second semester. The first picture below is me the first semester of my senior year, the second picture is me the second semester. 

Since then, the rest has been history. It’s been almost three years since I’ve graduated high school and I still struggle with these issues to this day. I want to stress that I have an absolutely amazing life. My mom remarried a man that is absolutely amazing and in December of 2011, he adopted me and my two brothers. I am going to nursing school and working at the local hospital, both of which I absolutely LOVE. I have the most incredible boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. He has been the most supportive person through all of my struggles and I love him more than anything in the world. I also have a dog named Toby and he is my child. (; 

Regardless of How amazing my life is, I still wake up every day despising myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I eat, I hate the way I feel, and I hate the way I hate myself. I will binge and binge and binge, and then I will exercise so vigorously I can’t even breathe. I will tell myself, “Today is the day I change this, the day I make a choice to be healthy.” It never happens. I don’t want to be skinny, I want to be HEALTHY. And that’s what I’m aiming for. 

The two songs I posted at the beginning of this post are songs that I hold very dear to my heart. As I mentioned earlier, I have such a love for music. Without it, I don’t thing I’d be able to make it through a lot of things. I encourage anyone struggling to listen to these songs. I also find great inspiration in QUEEN Demi Lovato. She is beautiful and inspiring and what I aspire to be. I love her so much and I actually met her in March 2013! I also got a tattoo of her song “Warrior” that day. It was the anniversary of Tori’s death and I found it fitting. 

So…. 

With all of that being said, this blog is my first step towards recovery.  I bought a book about binge eating and tomorrow I start a five day juice cleanse to clear my body of all the nasty things I’ve been putting in it. I’ll post more about all of that and my progress as I go along this journey.

My goal is to healthily lose 20-30 pounds. When I do, I will feel as if I have conquered this eating disorder once and for all. To reward myself, I l plan on getting a tattoo of lyrics from both of these songs I posted, along with the symbol of hope representing eating disorders. It’s going to say: “Darling, you’ll be okay…Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly.”

That’s the end of this blog. Until next time…

xoxo,

Gossip Girl

Chelsea 

2/27/15 -Hannah

Demi Lovato being a sassy bitch.

Demi Lovato (via y0uandwh0searmy)

Outtake of Demi for People Magazine 

(I took off watermarks cuz nothing should hide such a beauty) 

OhhMyLoveQuotes

OhhMyLoveQuotes

Yasir Qadhi (via islamic-art-and-quotes)