An Average Nerd

My favorite rejected New Yorker submission

This is Staying In Your Own Lane 101

[internal dialogue] “What the- that guy’s got horns! That’s not normal. Well, not gonna ruin my day.”

The Ring: If I had a quarter for every time a hobbit picked me up, I’d have two quarters.  The Ring: Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Of all the bearers of Sauron’s ring, 4 of them were hobbits.

I was wrong. It’s 5. Not 4

The lineage of ring bearers is as follows.

I love how Deagol counts as a ring bearer even though he had it in his possession for all of like five seconds

He held it for the rest of of his life!

[Image description: Tweet by @banalplay saying “but something happened then that the ring did not intend. it was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: a hobbit, the same fuckin thing that just had it for like 500 years.” End Image Description.] Link to original here. Otherwise reblogging for the final rb there, which made me cackle.

From the ring’s perspective:

1. Home, the finger of my creator and other self.

2. Well, I don’t like it but I can work with this. Cause some trouble, get some revenge, find my way home, this is fine.

3. What the fuck is you?

4. Right personality, wrong species, I don’t know what you are but I hate you and I don’t know why you’re so resistant to my powers.

5. NO NO NO there are goblins everywhere how did I find another one of THESE horrible things. This one’s even more resistant than the last one and also disgustingly nice. I suffer.

6. Listen, I’ll cooperate, just get me the fuck out of this hellhole full of small cheerful people my power doesn’t work on properly. No, not like that. I hate you. Please stop. 

7. FUCK

8. (Frodo again) I still hate you with every molecule of my mortal form but at least you’re not number seven. Think I’m starting to get through finally. 

9. (Smeagol again) YES it’s you I actually missed you now get me back to the Master and NO FUCK NO I HATE YOOOOUUUUU…. *fzt* 

you CHAIN The One Ring?! you chain it like the prisoner?! oh! OH! trauma! deep psychological trauma for hobbits for One Thousand Years!

Heh. :)

@13flowersandfoxes

Cake makes everything better.

This is actually a redraw of an old comic that I drew about a year and a half ago. The old comic was posted on an account of mine that no longer exists, so here it is again if you wanted to see it.

happy Thursday the 20th

I’d have to wait months or even years for another chance to reblog this, so why the fuck not?

next days you can reblog this on a Thursday the 20th

August 2015

October 2016

April 2017

July 2017

September 2018

December 2018

June 2019

February 2020

August 2020

You know, just in case you wanted to set your queue for the next 6 years

TODAY

Since it’s now August 20, 2020… The next days you can reblog this on a Thursday the 20th:

If you wanted to set your queue for the next six years.

THANK WHATEVER COSMIC BEING IS OUT THERE THAT THIS CAME UPON MY DASH HAPPY THURSDAY THE 20TH!!!!

happy Thursday the 20th guys

Holy shit, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Tumblr post with this many notes. See you all in April!

HAPPY THURSDAY THE 20TH @hellsite-hall-of-fame

IT’S THURSDAY THE 20TH

Hey. Why isn’t the moon landing a national holiday in the US. Isn’t that fucked up? Does anyone else think that’s absurd?

It was a huge milestone of scientific and technological advancement. (Plus, at the time, politically significant). Humanity went to space! We set foot on a celestial body that was not earth for the first time in human history! That’s a big deal! I’ve never thought about it before but now that I have, it’s ridiculous to me that that’s not part of our everyday lives and the public consciousness anymore. Why don’t we have a public holiday and a family barbecue about it. Why have I never seen the original broadcast of the moon landing? It should be all over the news every year!

It’s July 20th. That’s the day of the moon landing. Next year is going to be the 54th anniversary. I’m ordering astronaut shaped cookie cutters on Etsy and I’m going to have a goddamn potluck. You’re all invited.

Hey. Hey. Tumblr. Ides of March ppl. We can do this

Hell yeah moon holiday

July 20: Moon Day.

fullmetal alchemist au where ed binds al’s soul to a fursuit 

I love this primarily because it would require that Hohenheim collected fursuits in his basement

DELETE THIS FUCKING NOW!!!!!!

I AM LAUGHING!

you know what? fuck you *untandems your maus*

Gonna get myself a fun little surprise I guess

This is better than I'd ever hoped for, I bet a rat could kill you with that thing by firing a laser back in time and electrocuting your grandfather

Just look at this thing

The rat gun is hereeeeee!

This is getting notes again so I will admit that "rat gun" was an autocorrect error and it was supposed to be "ray gun."

But it'll always be a rat gun to me.

The most expensive thing in these pictures was the cat, and he was $60.

ill take him for 65

OKAY ANNNND 65 WE HAVE 65, DO I HEAR 70? 70 ANYBODY?

You auction Vice??? You sell Vice for money??? JAIL!! ONE MILLION YEARS DUNGEON!!

I swear there's a rule somewhere on the internet that if a cat ever shows up, We all just go: "But let's talk about the cat." And make a train wreck.

Chara can stand exactly ONE human. That's it.

I GOT THE RAT POST BELOW THIS SO I JUST SAW 

AND I THOUGHT THE JOKE WAS THAT THEY SUMMONED SOME ELDRITCH RATS

Pokémon TCG SV Base Set - Ralts, Kirlia & Gardevoir illustration set by Jiro Sasumo (removed card text)

oh that’s good that’s clever

This is precisely why I love conventions

you ever just

Yea

All the time

I was gonna say “what you think he had insurance???” but 1) at least in the early aughts to mid-teens, NY was one of the less excruciating states to get medicaid in, and 2) he was a minor and it’s a LOT easier to get medicaid for a minor, especially when said minor’s legal guardians are retirees on fixed incomes I’d wager.

So yeah they’re all just fuckin dumbasses! I love them.

This is why I think it would be peak comedy for the radioactive spider to be of a non-venomous species and for there to be a scene of a new Peter Parker/Spiderperson looking up the spider’s features or posting a photo to an identification subbredit before being informed of the fact that nothing will happen

entemologist reddit: oh yeah, that one’s venom isn’t strong enough to cause anything other than a bit of localized pain at the bite site, no worries.

Peter Parker the next morning, stuck to his ceiling: Well someone fucking LIED!!!!