Let me be brave.

What makes you think this program of the Monitor’s is going to work, Doctor? Oh, I don’t know…

i can’t blame him i’d do the same thing

looks at you

looks at you

@bettsplendens i'd just like you to know that this is my favorite comment on this post and i'd like it to be memorialized

I had a dream

Zuhair Murad

I've never watched a single episode of spn but I've been thinking about the implications of being stuck inside a meme

via @lungthief

Terzo funny moments (3/?)

So me and @sxnnelysister are back with more parts for the Terzo series we've been working on! As always, you can check her blog for the next part (and give her a follow if you haven't already! 🖤)

Due to the exciting successes of 'weird horror' and 'hopepunk', we're happy to announce a new slate of literary genres for release in Q3 2023. From now on you can expect to start seeing marketing TikToks and insufferable thinkpieces responding to marketing TikToks about:

they were insane for this scene

Okay, so I know the reason the physics in Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom have so many weird exceptions and edge cases is because the games' designers are concerned foremost with puzzle-crafting, and only secondarily with producing a coherent world model, and nearly every bit of weirdness can be explained by the fact that some puzzle mechanic required the games' physics to work that way. There's simply no deeper unifying logic to be found, and trying to find it is a good way to give yourself a headache.

One of those pieces of weirdness lies in the relative weights of various objects, particularly in relation to Link, the player character. Some objects are incongruously heavy or light for their size because the puzzles in which they appear require them to be, and Link himself is weirdly lightweight, presumably because that was the easiest way to cause him to experience the exaggerated knockback that many puzzles require without making the forces involved ridiculously strong.

Most objects and characters which recur among the two games are at least consistent in this respect. However, it has been empirically determined that in Breath of the Wild, Link weighs the same as 8.5 apples, whereas in Tears of the Kingdom he weighs the same as 10 apples, and now I can't stop myself from wondering what fucking puzzle mechanic required Link to be exactly 1.5 apples heavier.

I'm more interested in the team meetings that likely resulted from this, considering Nintendo's fastidious approach to polish. I can imagine one camp bringing in chart after chart defending those extra 1.5 apples, and another more or less going "No, this is New Zelda canon, it cannot and should not be changed. Link is 8.5 apples heavy and any change to this base equation will run the risk of endangering the entire product line."

Link isn't heavier. As humans repopulate Hyrule, they're harvesting more apples earlier. Mean apple weight has gone down 15%.

Link gained weight from all that Sheikah tech he ate in between the games, which explains where it all went.

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

Well unless the mall is his native territory I think I'm fine, I wasn't planning on smiling at him

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

Misguided! I would much rather have a mallmate I can easily see and hear coming. I'm confident I can stay out of the gorilla's way, but if I step on a snake or one otherwise gets the jump on me, it's all over.

It's not just about the physical danger either, it's about my mental health. One gorilla, unless he's actively mad at me, I just keep a healthy distance between us and make sure I never get trapped. With the snakes, it requires a lot more constant vigilance

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

this is too good to leave hidden in the replies

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

underrated form of humor: just making shit up in past tense

My personal favourite:

one time my Mamaw and I were watching the news and watching for when the news anchor would blink (yes i know, normal activity) and Mamaw said, "Oh, she blunk" and i've been thinking about it ever since

via @corallapis

woke up today and realized that tumblr entirely killed fuck ya life bing bong so here ya go again

you forgot the best one

So D&D black dragons are supposed to live in swamps, right? Pretty amphibious, live in swamps, lair in...

caves. With a main entrance and a back entrance.

In swamps.

I really have trouble with the idea that there's these dragon-sized caves in an area with such a high water table, y'know? We have to go through miles of swamp to reach this lair, it's not one little boggy place in a mountain valley otherwise filled with nice caves. And the cave has to have two entrances, too? I can believe in dragons, but not this geology.

So... maybe it's not geology. Because a lair in a marshy place with exacting design specifications sounds a lot like a totally natural thing --

A beaver lodge.

So now I have this new image of black dragons industriously gnawing down giant trees to construct their mighty swamp lairs, and I am so much happier.

He's building his lodge.

To anyone worried about this eliminating the fear factor, don't worry; instead, imagine a lair full of sharp spikes formed from logs. Imagine previous, less fortunate treasure-hunters, dragonslayers, etc. being impaled on those spikes for your party to see.

That's brilliant! I'd done a dragon with shrike behavior in my game before, but it was a red dragon. I had the wrong species. We do know that black dragons like to let their food decompose a bit before tucking in. So they put in on a meat hook for a while.