on perfectionism
There's a difference between striving for self-improvement and being a perfectionist. Working hard to do a good job or to be a better person is laudable. Being a perfectionist makes those things harder to accomplish.
The goal of being "perfect" isn't to improve, it's to avoid shame. If you're aiming for "perfect" instead of "better" then you're probably full of self-doubt and constantly worried about disappointing yourself and/or others. These negative emotions make it harder to take risks and try new things. They make it harder to experiment or to reach beyond your current skill level.
Perfectionists also spend their time focused on the end result. This means that they lose a lot of learning during the process or journey they took on their way to finishing. It also means they can fall into a trap of procrastination. If it's never finished then they'll never be judged for doing a bad job.
If you have perfectionist tendencies, you probably learned them from those around you. Either they are perfectionists and expect you to be one too or their actions pressured you into trying to be perfect in order to escape some form of pain.
Are you constantly being told that you're not good enough? That the things you do aren't done well enough? Are you punished severely for every mistake that you make? Are people always comparing you to someone else who's "better" than you are and asking why you aren't like them?
Perfectionism is a way of protecting yourself from those kinds of attacks and the way they make you feel.
Getting out of the loop of perfectionism takes a lot of time and practice and might also require the help of a therapist. But there are some things you can try to help you ease out of it, at least a little bit.
Give yourself the positive feedback you aren't getting from others. Positive self-talk and encouragement can counter some of the negativity you're otherwise being exposed to.
Allow yourself to make mistakes in areas of your life where those negative people aren't involved. Perhaps even do it in complete privacy at first. Make a mistake and feel the shame and disappointment, but follow that up with positive self-talk. Congratulate yourself on taking a step away from perfectionism. Find something beautiful or funny in the mistake. Realize that you're still okay, even though you aren't perfect.
And above all, remind yourself that your value doesn't come from being perfect. It doesn't come from the things you produce or the actions you do to support others. Your value is inherent and immutable. You're worthy because you exist. You are here and you are wonderful and you are loved. ❤️
Year 3 on recovering from perfectionism after an official diagnosis so I want to add something: You may fall into the trap of thinking you don’t have perfectionism or you have completely recovered if you don’t have perfectionism at one subject.
A common defense I had to my therapist was “But I never obsess over powerpoints or essays; I am easygoing with my fanfictions too! I just hit the send.” so yes, maybe that area of my life is safe from perfectionism, which is great but not the main point.
Sometimes you will be perfectionist to yourself (expect to Be Perfect Something, let it be the perfect daughter or lover or dog mom), sometimes you will excuse your own mistakes but expect people around you to be Perfect partners, friends etc.
Or maybe you are completely aware that no one is, in fact, perfect and that it’s okay. Maybe you are okay with this too, but you are aiming for perfection in academia, school or job applications. Maybe you healed from some aspects that perfectionism impacted you but not the other aspects, yet. At least that’s how it’s going for me. This post made me realize that I have a significant amount of healing, I am waaaay more flexible and relaxed and easygoing in my social life and school work, but god forbid applying for grad school or new jobs; the same loop of perfectionism that leads to intense procrastination heaves on me still. And yes, most probably this was my learned response that I’ll work through.
My point is, don’t obsess over it but just keep an eye in case there are some parts of your life that are safe vs not safe from the perfectionist behavior. It’s good to have a self check once in a while— and I promise, it gets better.
