My deepest thoughts.

I hate looking back,

At pictures

At videos.

I hate looking back.

You're either in them or my mind says, "you were speaking then too."

I hate looking back.

I will delete as many as it takes... if that's what it takes.

You know what I wanted?

I wanted to be loved.

Really loved. But now. I wonder. Is that really such a thing?

I want a love that doesn't shy away from my stomach.

I want a love that isn't afraid to be spiritual with me because their ego isn't larger than the heavens.

I want a love that wants to do the mundane tasks of life with me because they are no longer mundane when we are together.

I want a love that doesn't care about anyone else in the room because all they care about is that I am there.

I just wanted love.

But.

All I got were mirrors. All I got was smoke.

Muscles ache from dishes carried, drinks filled over and over and over again.

Home is the couch with a heater next to me.

I hunger.

I hunger for something social media can not feed no matter how much I scroll.

I will lay my head eventually in my bed.... with the same... ache of nothingness.

Is this my karma or is this my evolution?

I just want the ache to stop.

And I felt it again. The safe, familiar, warm presence. I turned away and was denying of you. You showed me a sign tonight, just like you always have. Thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you🤍☁️

Why do these waves crash?

Have I not felt all that has needed to be felt?

One day I'm as bright as the sun....

One minute I'm as grim as night.

When will I actually be set completely free from you?

STILLNESS is what I crave.

I know one day it will be here, it will be here to stay.

Be patient, Nicole. Be patient.

You may be going through it, but you will get through it. You ALWAYS do.

Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone.

Just think... now you have all the time in the world to go fuck that pathetic girl. You know the one... "the girl that got away".

Leave me alone.

Nothings new.

I don't want to hear it. Any of it. Anymore.

The stupid "philosophical" bullshit you spew at me pretending to be smarter than you actually are.

I don't doll up my face nor my body for anyone, especially not for "men".

How stupid you must think that I am. Do you think the "wise" words you tell me have not already crossed my mind?

I have always been 6 steps ahead of a man.

You're not smart

You're not funny

You're not my friend. You're just waiting for the slight chance to dip your disgusting fingers down my panties to explore the universe.

Rage has no bounds within me at this moment in time.

I hate men.

Why is it that once love has left we find ourselves again.

The shroud that was once over my eyes melts away and I see that woman again.

Should I never love again?

Nov 2nd 2023

So it's been two weeks almost.

We have said goodbye too many times to count now.

I just wanted one goodbye.

You didn't really know my mind, but I also never really told you.

I have dreams of missing you, but when I wake, I am relieved.

I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm finally gone.

Goodbye A.G.T. for the last time.

I set you free.

I feel nothing.

Is my entire body just protecting me right now, or do I finally just feel nothing.

I tired to warn you.. I tried to tell you all the times you hurt me..

You didn't listen.

I shoved myself in this small box hoping you'd let me out and love me the way I kept loving you.

I didn't want to let go, I had to.

I love you.

I'm so sorry Anthony. I really am.

Nobody tells you how hard it is to have a mother who slightly broke the generational curse, while you're the one who completely broke it.

And how hard sometimes those conversations are.

I really wish someone...anyone...would stop and realize that I am always hurting. I am always on the edge ready to go. Ready to not exist.

You ever had an ah-ha moment and feel the coocoo bitch flow through your veins...? Just me...?

Why do you ask what's wrong and then not reply to me once I tell you.

Humans are a joke.

Wondering when the same energy will flow to me and stay.

It's so hard to get over it because I wouldn't have done it to you. I wouldn't ever make you feel like you don't deserve to be touched. I wouldn't make you add doubt to your already self conscious mind and body. Make you wonder if all of this has been a lie..