With All Due Respect Captain, Go Fuck Yourself

i…………FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS CONTEXT? 

KIRK WORRYING THAT HE OBJECTIFIES WOMEN. PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT AND REALLY SOAK THIS IN. 

star trek heritage post (May 10th, 2014)

i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it

Humanity’s first contact with Vulcans was some guy going “I’m down to fuck.”

Vulcans’ first contact with Humans was an emphatic “Sure.”

@sineala

#iiiiiiiiiiiiii mean vulcans had been watching humans for a long time#they knew the significance of a handshake but still#they had to find some fast and loose ambassador#willing to fuckin make out with a human for the sake of not offending them on first contact#lmao#star trek give me the story of this fast and loose vulcan

“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”

*prolonged silence* “oh my…”

“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”

*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”

Elsewhere, w/ kuvak: “….my day has come.”

The vulcan who made first contact with humans is named Solkar guys. Y’all just be makin’ up names for characters that already have names.

Bonus: here’s a screencap of Solkar doing the “my body is ready” pose right before he shakes Zefram Cochrane’s hand:

I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.

Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.

actual footage of first contact makeouts

The slow deliberation with which Solkar takes Cockrane’s–I’m sorry, Cochrane’s–hand… The sheer sensuality witch which Solkar infuses an otherwise borderline impersonal social ritual… It clearly shows a very conscious knowledge, on Solkar’s part, of what the significance of the handshake is in Vulcan terms and of how affected he is by it.

That’s why he’s so slow in doing it, and so sensual. A part of Solkar can’t believe this is happening, despite it being a perfectly logical thing to expect from a human, and the rest of him can’t believe how good it is.

I bet that if the camera zoomed in any further we would see the dilation of Solkar’s pupils and a quickly-repressed shiver of delight. Cochrane’s firm, businesslike clasp is probably (in sexual terms) being perceived as a deliciously carnal display of dominance.

No wonder Solkar is all like, “TAKE ME, YOU WILD-MANNERED BARBARIAN WITH ENTICINGLY ROUGH CALLUSES.”

And so we find out that yes, there is such a thing as bottoming in Pon-farr.

Every time this post comes round my dash, it just gets better.

#somehow the idea of vulcans being Horny On Main always gives me the giggles#like literally all they had to do#was be like actually#hand contact is very intimate for our species#and im p sure humanity as a whole would not find that insurmountably weird#there are human cultures that dont shake hands#vulcans are logical enough to think that through on their own#so clearly that vulcan was just down to fuck#down to fuck in a public#professional diplomatic situation no less#and he did not fucking care who knew it (via kittykatthetacodemon)

Some Vulcan: we could probably just explain that handshakes are intimate in our culture

Solkar, rubbing lip gloss on his hand: don’t tell me how to do my job 

Solkar, rubbing lip

gloss on his hand: don’t tell me

how to do my job

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

the lip gloss comment is my favorite and now haikubot found it

the lip gloss comment

is my favorite and now

haikubot found it

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

Picard has had ENOUGH of these two

GIRL YOU ARE AT WORK.

If I remember correctly (and I might not, because I read Mosaic like 25 years ago), she didn't say no. But then she, like, fled the date abruptly and just left him there. Very normal super chill.

You’re correct, @grissomesque.

And then @missparker gave us this scene which lives in my heart forever.

Picard: Don't flirt with the LaForge girls.

Jack: Why not?

Picard: Because there are certain unspoken rules we must observe-

Jack: Like how a captain shouldn't sleep with his CMO?

Picard:...

Jack:...

Picard: Listen you little-

This is what gets me the most is everyone treating Jack Crusher like he’s some kind of badass space pirate when he an actually an uncredentialed medical assistant who’s spent his entire life living with his mom.

Like they talk about all of his sexual conquests, like, oh yeah buddy, was your mummy in the next room?

I’m sorry, they what? There is real dialogue about

This guy

being a pussy hound?

Meanwhile the actual badass space pirate they dumped last season

I knew that I could count on my imzadi, the ship’s counselor, to improve my self image.

1987/2023

Or rather, 2364/2401

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*slaps picard's bald head*

you can fit so much trauma in this bad boy

He too has a knack for the, um, poetic drive-by observation. Can be very annoying…But it can also make a person feel seen. STAR TREK: PICARD 3.06 “The Bounty”

everyone is roasting Picards wine

Spacedock

NX-01 Enterprise Refit

USS New Jersey, Constitution Class

USS Enterprise A, Constitution Refit

HMS Bounty, K'vort Class

USS Defiant, Defiant Class

USS Voyager, Intrepid Class

The Fleet Museum

The toughest little ship in the fleet.

Me whenever the star trek picard writers bring back data:

JONATHAN FRAKES as WILL RIKER & MARINA SIRTIS as DEANNA TROI STAR TREK: PICARD S03E06 “The Bounty”