gosh,, his grace his excellency the duke of ankh-morpork commander of the city watch sir samuel vimes cant be this cute
moistvonlipwig-suggests
Just a friendly reminder to all the clacks employees that my name is not Mister Slightly Damp, actually,,,,,
From The Desk of the Commander
“We will no longer be referring to the Postmaster General as above, when on matters of public business.
Privately, it’s encouraged.”
-
Cmdr. S. Vimes
Anonymous asked:
Name: Adelheid Duff / Age: 26 / Gender: Female / Race: Physically incapable of running more than about a hundred yards before falling over, but I can keep walking almost endlessly / Birthplace: Bad Schwamm, Ueberwald / Species: Human-ish (mysterious great-great-grandfather notwithstanding) / Shoe Size: 8 wide / Blood Type: A+ / Previous Work Experience: combination file clerk and lab tech, 4 years / Previous Convictions: Cruel and Unusual Cookery (sentence: Bloody Stupid Behaviour Order)
Right, we need a few new bodies out near the Shambling Gate house, and i’m confident you will be a welcome addition to the Forensics Department. The team over there are a good bunch, steady on their feet and not prone to too much throwing up off duty.
The chief Igor is on good terms with a few of the less aggressive alchemists and you can start there.
As for the running, well, that will help itself.
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Captain A. Von Uberwald.
We are not going to encourage these people by sending them back home.
We will suggest divorce lawyers.
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Sgt. A.E. Pessimal
Source: kansascity.com
Memo re: Werewolf Officer communication
Verbal assent to proceed by a Werewolf Officer MUST be declared obviously and simply through either two short barks, or a short nod.
Biting the trousers off of a fellow watchman who doesn’t follow orders often offends.
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Cpt. Von Uberwald, Sgt. Benchley-Sparrow
The new sergeant-at-arms picked up his badge with care and saluted yet again. ‘Oath, sir,’ he said.
‘Oh, er, that thing? Er, I believe I’ve got it written down somewh—’
Vimes took a deep breath. This probably wasn’t a good idea, but he was flying now.
Night Watch by Terry Pratchett, pp. 115-116.
If you are still recruiting:
Name: Erika Goodsir
Age: 19
Gender: Wish I knew, to be honest
Race: a sprint, usually. Maybe 200 m Birthplace: The Chalk
Species: Human
Shoesize: 7
Blood type: O-
Previous work: Backstage at the Opera, box pusher for the mail
Previous convictions: Punching a man in the face. In my defense, he was shaming a dwarf and a troll who were holding hands.
Are you still recruiting?
Name: Lila Delencre Age: 21 (born 12 Embre 1970) Gender: Female Race: as a hobby, but I’d rather avoid being raced after Birthplace: unknown, probably Ankh-Morpork Species: human Shoesize: 5,5 Blood type: B+ Previous work: assitant engraver at the guild of Engravers and Printers (adopted by the guild), assistant printer for the Ankh-Morpork Times (while on travel); barmaid (in Sto Lat) Previous convictions: brought to the station for getting drunk on several occasions
After the 15th pencil goes missing, Drumknott decides it’s time for drastic measures.
It doesn’t work.
While I’m willing to believe the first sign was written by Drumknott in a fit of rage, he has much better handwriting than the second note. The ‘that means you Mr. Lipwig’ was obviously written by Moist himself to get some more enjoyment out of the experience.
(Image description: fan art of a cup with five pencils in it. A small sign reading ‘DO NOT STEAL!’ is taped to the cup. A slightly smaller sign is taped slightly overlapping the first. In more crooked, thinner handwriting, it reads, “THAT MEANS YOU MR. LIPWIG’)
FROM THE DESK OF THE COMMANDER,
I want my mug back on my desk, by 4:00, or I am arresting him, and personally handing him to The Patrician for disciplining.
-
VIMES
Source: exploringcastleoblivion
Drinking, and Barrack Room Cleanliness
Nicking buckets or bucket shaped objects from barracks house janitorial staff to be sick into after having been pulled out of The Bucket may get your pay docked if you don’t have damn good documentation of your day’s shift.
-
Kipper, Feb. 10, Year of the Justifably Defensive Lobster
Amendment: lined trash bins are being supplied. - Cpt. Von Uberwald
Mod Note/Reminder
Submissions are always welcome, head canons are always welcome.
and with Sam vimes and detritus i’m done with the main members of the ankh-morpork city watch. I could’ve gone for the classic clint eastwood inspired vimes, but i thought i would give a try making him look like a “slightly bulkier version of Pete Postlethwaite” ,to quote Pterry. I don’t remember if detritus was completely smooth or had some moss on him, but i always liked the idea of trolls having moss like facial hair, so i gave him a couple of mutton chops and a moss stubble X3. Anyways, i’m done with this piece i think. Thanks pterry for all the hours of fun and inspiration you gave us , you were really the best… T_T
Is YOUR teen “getting the D?” (”Getting the Discworld?”)
He spotted several more gargoyles on the way across the bridge to Pseudopolis Yard. Every single one of them turned its head to watch him.
-The Truth, Terry Pratchett
(Photo: Gargoyle #3 by DeepLightPhotography)
new watch recruits: harga’s! harga’s! harga’s! carrot: there’s food at the station new recruits, muttering: i fucking hate this watch
new watch recruits: harga’s! harga’s! harga’s! angua: [approaches harga’s house of ribs] new recruits: [cheering] angua: one black coffee please
new watch recruits: harga’s! harga’s! harga’s! nobby: harga’s! harga’s! harga’s!
[[retracted]]
-Captain Von Uberwald
Daily Discworld Headcanon
Sam Vimes has a very nice rump. It’s all that running. People have noticed, but he has no idea.
From The Desk Of The Commander
Heads will ROLL
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Cmdr. S. Vimes
Am I doing the meme right?
Not really. For this meme to work properly it should be improbable for option B to win, which is not the case because option B is SAMUEL FUCKING VIMES.
Headcanon: The reason Vimes used to loathe Vampires was because they had a long life in which to become succesful, and most of them did. Sam himself, however, saw the limited time he had running away while he was still a poor drunkard leading a trio of incompetents. He came to tolerate them when he became succesful himself, realising that you can make something out of yourself even with a human’s limited lifespan. Seeing how the Black Ribbon Oath can sometimes drive Vampires almost Bursar in their attempts at a somewhat normal, not-quite-human life, also helped, since he came to realise that they were not so different from him afterall: Slaves to an addictive liquid who, despite having kicked the habit, still force themselves into an eternal self-test trying to better themselves.