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@cicatraize

18+ , spirited away enthusiast , aot , ageless / minor blogs dni

jean my beloved <3

🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽

𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘪 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶
🍓 who am i ? just call me either soot or keys :) i am a senior in high school and i go by she / they , i am in est !
🍓 what do i post / who do i post about ? mainly just the fandoms i’m into ! they often switch up because i have the attention span of a goldfish unless i have brainrot for them.
🍓 who is on my brainrot list ? jean kirstien , eren yeager , and pietro maximoff <333333 i love them to death man it’s kinda concerning
🍓 can i follow you ? yes you can unless you are a minor i am eighteen and i don’t feel comfortable having minors follow me.
🍓 do you repost / reblog / write ? i am actually making a new page for writing and rebloging fics :) this is just an account for me to post random shit on and reblog random shit :)
🍓 fun fact about me ! i love studio ghibli especially spirited away and ponyo (thanks to my friend who i love very dearly <333)

🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽

🍓 my interests ! i am currently interested in aot and where the crawdads sing , i love reading !
🍓 currently listening to ? i am currently listening to bad omens , naill horan , taylor swift <3333 , hailee stienfield , seafret , adele , alec benjamin , and like ten thousand more that i’m too lazy to post !
🍓currently watching ? blood-c , aot (PLEASE it’s gut wrenching , i’m not ready to see what happens to levi </3)

🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽。・:*:・🍓☽

home , first blog , soots recs , playlist , asks !

Sibling grief is weird.

With sibling grief you're grieving more than just the loss of your sibling.

You're grieving the life you had before you lost your sibling.

You're grieving the loss of who your parents were before your sibling died

You're grieving the loss of the future you'd prepared for

You're grieving the loss of the family unit as you'd known it

You're grieving the loss of who you were before they died

You're grieving the loss of your best friend

Before my brother died, I had plans for how the future would be. Family holidays with our kids, major life events being celebrated together, family vacations, so many memories to be made.

All of those were lost when he died. An entire future full of plans just.... Gone.

Finished.

Now I'm only left with the haunting visions of watching him go, with the sounds of our parents sobbing and begging for this to not be happening, with hearing the love of his life begging for more time and promising to make the rest of his life everything we'd always dreamed for him, with remembering both the feeling of his warm hands AND the feeling of his lifeless, cold hands.

Before my brother died, our parents were mostly happy.

Parents change after the loss of a child, regardless of the age of said child. That change can go 1 of 2 ways and it is usually to the extreme of whichever way they go.

Way 1: they're going to be extremely clingy with their remaining child(ren). They will want them close.

Or

Way 2: they're going to become extremely distant with their remaining child (ren).

My mom quietly went with way 1. She tries to not show it, but I know it. She still has her moments where she's distant, but she won't even entrain the idea of us being far away from her. She wants all of us near her.

My dad went with way 2. I've always felt like my dad absolutely hated me. There was no proud father moment when I got married, no "you look beautiful" comments, or any heart touching moments really. It's always been he was there, but quietly wondering how quickly he could leave. Sure there were moments when he really came through and made me feel like he cared. I can't say there weren't ANY.

But after losing my brother, I feel like I completely lost my dad. He barely acknowledges I'm there, he flat out ignores me when I say "I love you", but he will say it to everyone around me, he doesn't even try to hide the fact that he does NOT want to be wherever I am. In my heart I feel that he believes the wrong child died and that it should've been me. I have never felt like more of a burden than I do now.

Before my brother died, my mom always told us "nurture your relationship with each other because when your dad and I are gone, you're only going to have each other". That was the future I'd prepared for. Now, when my parents are gone I will be alone. I'll have no one to grieve that loss with. Our future was supposed to be long and fruitful, with so many memories to be made... I was not prepared for the future I'm going to have.

Before my brother died, we were a family of 4. He was my big brother. Sure our family expanded as we got older. We had significant others and kids, but our family unit was 4. Now, it's only 3.

I'm no longer the little sister.

I'm the surviving sister.

Before my brother died, I was happy. Sure I dealt with some mental health issues, but he always helped to keep my grounded. He was who I called when I felt like I was losing my grip. He was my rock. He was my best friend. He always made sure I was ok, that his nieces and nephews were ok, that everyone had what they needed. He was my go-to person for everything.

I used to get so irritated because he'd always call me when bad weather was moving in. He'd give me all these instructions on things I needed to do to be prepared, he'd make sure I was making sure the kids had everything they needed.. it could be so exhausting sometimes.

God how I miss those phone calls.

Now that he's gone I find myself riddled with anxiety and anger. I have no idea who I am anymore because I do not feel like me anymore. I feel like a part of me went with him. The strong part went with him.

Now that he's gone I feel so alone, even with the rest of my family right beside me.

I try to grieve quietly. I try to do it alone as much as possible so that it doesn't make those around me sad.

Sibling grief is weird..

It's lonely

Unless you are the surviving sibling, you could never understand.

the hippocampus is a cruel part of the brain

i had a dream about my family.an alternate reality from the one i live now. i had a little sister and a little brother. my sister was a blue eyed blonde who was full of youth and smiles while my brother had brown eyes and brown hair , calm yet giggly and he loved hugs. just like when he was alive. they loved me like my friends siblings loved them , worshipped the ground they walked on and always wanted them around and it was like i felt the hugs in real time. i had developed such an attachment to these two kids that when i woke up all i could do was sit and mourn because i would never have that. it made me want what i could not have , for a moment i got to have my brother back and i got a little sister but then i woke up and they where gone , they weren’t there. he wasn’t there. they weren’t there and life went on as usual but the hippocampus is a cruel part of the brain to those who are grieving. he may have been telling me it’s okay to want things , i’ve been wishing i had my younger brother around still and maybe this was his way of saying “it’s okay , im okay”. this is the second dream i’ve had of him and it still takes my breath away when i wake up and fool myself into thinking he’s alive. i really really miss him.

grief.

cw : grief , sibling loss , funerals
notes : two years ago i lost my brother , sometimes talking about it helps other times it doesn’t. this is to those who have lost someone to anything , sometimes it’s hard to go through it alone and tonight is just one of those nights. grief takes the best parts of you and rips them to shreds and sometimes it’s hard to hold it together. it’s okay to grief and it’s okay to feel it , it’s better than locking it away.

We as a society should revere Scooby-Doo more. It would be considered a great and prestigious honor bestowed upon only a select few to create the next Scooby-Doo reboot, and if you screw it up you get excommunicated.

you cannot be putting two white guys with the same haircolor in the same movie how am i fuckin supposed to tell whos who what is this spot the difference

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You have to give them costumes that signify who is who.  Like Jacket and Sweater in Pacific Rim.