Nothing like HOW someone rejects you that can either leave you with any self worth or pride… (which thank you I appreciate that because the alternative which also happened recently…)

- Or it can make you feel like all that self growth you’ve done was knocked back down to zero. Welp. If I ever felt any oz of self acceptance in my new state it’s now gone. I know that life can humble you but this was just… damn. Essentially life just went: nah see you don’t deserve crushes. You’ll never be pretty enough for that.

Oh. Ok.

People can either be kind about their rejection or cruel. I’ll never understand why they choose to be cruel. There’s no reason for it. *sigh*

I’ll just go back to my cave.

The discourse on TikTok over the words “cis”, “chest-feeding”, and “birthing person”… and whether or not trans women have periods is utterly ridiculous.

For the record. Cis isn’t a slur and trans women absolutely can have periods. Yes without a uterus and without bleeding. Just like how cis men can have endometriosis. Yes I’m serious.

Sometimes inclusive language can seem clunky and feel dehumanizing. But for some it’s life saving, gender affirming, and necessary.

So yeah.

sometimes I hate being so self aware…

With my illness flares becoming more frequent and more intense.…

Even with as lonely as I am I can’t help but think of how anyone who was even remotely interested in me, or would be in the future, has now dodged a bullet. Cuz it’s just gonna get worse from here as time continues and I get older.

The burden that places on everyone will continue to grow. Physically, emotionally, and financially…

While I deserve to be loved and all that romantic stuff… probably best if it stays at a distance, as much as it sucks.

Don’t get me wrong I wish I could be loved and cherished and held and cuddled. Get married. Build a family… But people deserve to live their own lives… to live their best life. I don’t really see that happening as long as people have to take care of me.

Someone would really have to want to be with me as my nesting partner. I don’t want to be the addition. I want to be the main partner.

But my life is so complicated. It’s just best if I stay solo. No one deserves to have me as a burden. I couldn’t imagine putting that on someone, especially so late in life.

Idk maybe if the right person came along. But how would I know? There’s too much at stake here. I don’t have just me to worry about since I’m also a co-parent.

:/

Anemia is taking my hair… and no it’s not the hair dye. It’s just more noticeable now.

If you know my birthday, no you don’t. Because I’m done caring about it. I just can’t keep going through this every year. I just want it to pass like any other day. I’m done with it.

Fun fact! I finally got diagnosed with Hypermobility??

Yeah I mean kinda hard to not be when I dislocated three ribs stretching across my bed and pushing my window closed 🤦 still aches where it happened.

Actually he almost told me no I couldn’t possibly cuz he doesn’t think I have EDS… but I listed things off like SI joint dysfunction, patellofemoral pain syndrome, lordosis, the fact that I walked through a hip break as a kid and didn’t break any other part of my leg at the time of injury, the ribs dislocation, the fact that sometimes my right elbow just slips out of place and I can’t bend it and have to work it back into place by slightly bending my arm rapidly until it eases back into place with a very loud click, my ankles keep turning if I don’t shuffle walk… his eyes got big and was like “oh… I didn’t know” and I replied with “well I keep forgetting to bring some of this up because it’s my normal and I keep forgetting that this stuff generally speaking isn’t actually normal”. The look on his face told me that he came to some realizations that day.

Also! Last couple days my damn shoulder keeps falling out of socket when I raise my arm. So that’s fun.

It hurts like hell omg and that’s while on pain meds currently cuz I woke up with very high full body pain.

According to the count I have 200+ followers. But only three appear on the list. Weird.

Remember folks. If your abusive ex is giving their new partner everything you asked for… it’s more likely they are love bombing their new partner to torture you more to make it look like the new partner is getting everything you didn’t.

It’s very rare abusers change. Eventually the new partner will also be abused.

Focus on healing your trauma. Stop focusing on what your ex’s new partner is getting that you never did. All that does is torture you on your ex’s behalf.

And if it turns out that your ex has changed, then good for them. That doesn’t invalidate your trauma or your healing. After they become an ex what they do and who they do it to isn’t your business, unless it affects you directly like you have kids together. All you can do is tell your story, live your truth, and move forward.

Over the years, many people convinced me I was either unworthy or too difficult to love. I am finally realizing they were all right. Im sorry it took so long for me to wake up and stop fighting it.

Idk what hurts worse. Knowing this. Or watching as people move on without me before I’m even dead. Cuz they already know I have an expiration date. (I’m early stage terminal… I’m not suicidal.)

I’m not okay. I haven’t been for a long time.

I’m in mourning. I’m having to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to miss out on a lot of things.

I love watching the people I love in my life meet their person and build a life together. People are getting married and having babies.

I’m happy for them. Truly. But it makes me sad for me.

I can feel my body breaking down. My pain is so much worse then it was last year. I’m alone and mostly it’s because I choose it. Doesn’t mean it’s hurts any less.

The right decision can still be the most painful one to make.

My doctor told me “given the severity of your anemia and your age and family history: 10 years is generous. 5 is realistic.” 5-10 years doesn’t feel like taking long enough to make being with me worth it. Especially since I have other illnesses and disabilities that will continue to affect my life. I’ll never be able to live alone. My soul sister is my first priority and I won’t ever move out of the house she lives in. I help raise her son. We have built a life together. Yes it’s platonic but by all definitions, minus the romance, she is my life partner.

Someone being with me would mean a list of things:

I feel like that’s a ton to ask of someone. And while I won’t say no if someone I like and am compatible with REALLY wants this for however long it is… I’m not seeking it. It isn’t fair to only be able to offer so little time in return for so much they’d have to give back. Plus that’s one more person who has to watch me be sick and pass away. My soul sister is already going to be that person. She’s the one who will have to make all the calls and arrange all the stuff. Putting that on her also feels unfair. But she’s the one I trust to do right by me and not fight with others over what will or won’t happen. I know she’ll make sure I’m cremated and that my name card will have the correct words on it. I trust her to call the right people to inform them. And I trust her to turn those away who want to view my body for their own gain.

Choosing this is lonely and I’m sad… a lot. But this is what it is. This is the reality.

Sometime soon l’ll be looking into therapy. Maybe they can help me embrace all this without being so sad. In five years I’ll be 41, almost 42. In 10 years I’ll be 46 going on 47. I honestly didn’t think I’d make it past 22, so I think I did pretty good.

I want to prove my dr wrong. But I also want to be prepared. And even if I do prove him wrong my life won’t feel wasted because I legit have so much to do. I just don’t have time to cater to someone. I don’t have time to wait for them. To hope they catch up. My life is super fast paced even on days when I can’t move. There is no true rest or taking time for the learning curve. I don’t have time to compromise any part of me. Either we match energies or you move tf on.

Being with someone has to make me feel better than how I feel being alone. Where I don’t have to cater to someone, slow down for them, teach them how to do things they should already know, or give up very important aspects of myself.

And I certainly don’t have time for long distance anything. You wanna be here, show up. I don’t have time to seek you.

Good grief the spam is getting ridiculous like worse than it ever has been. Guess that’s what happens when a huge website sits mostly empty for a long period of time. 🤦

My 11 year old puss ZahZah is showing signs of dementia and it breaks my heart. She is still with it enough that tough decisions don’t need to be made right now and probably not even this year. But I know it’s coming. Knowing it’s more inevitable than just “old age” doesn’t make it any easier.

I’m not okay. I’m safe. Just not okay. I haven’t been okay in a very long time. Sadly, I think this is my new normal. 😕 Severely touch starved and unable to do zero about it 🤷 and my sister brings it up like it matters anymore. I’m long term terminal. No one wants to be with me to watch me die well before them… along with the other reasons most don’t see me as marriage material.

Ah well.

It is what it is.

What’s Been on my Mind Lately

Someone else hasn’t broken my heart in quite some time, but I’m pretty used to it cuz of how often it actually happens. However. I shouldn’t be able to break my own heart. Yet here I am. :sigh:

I’m 36 years old and I’m moving well into my fourth year of being functionally single. I’m polyamorous. My capacity for love is huge. And yet I’m to the point where I’m genuinely surprised when people just like me. Never mind anything more than that. I don’t miss being in love because I already am. I miss everything else that goes with it. But I doubt I’ll ever have it. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. I was meant… I don’t know what I was meant for anymore.

I mean yeah I have a child I help raise. But that’s just part of the list of why folks shy away from me. No one sticks around really, after they find out I’m disabled, live with my sister, and have zero plans to move out of “her” home (FYI I helped buy this house. It’s mine too), and won’t be changing my last name if I ever get married (I picked it for a reason. I’m not giving it up or hyphenating it. If I get married I’m keeping it and if they want our last names to be the same they can change theirs or hyphenate theirs. It’s their choice what they do).

As far as the disabilities go… I’m hypermobile (meaning my joints don’t work properly and often pop out of place causing a lot of pain. I use a cane, a wheeled walker, and a wheelchair to help me get around. And there’s no prediction about what I’d be using on what day)… I am also a fall risk, stairs are dangerous for me on bad days… I have a heat intolerance… most people put dogs down for less :/ and yet here I am still moving forward. Or at least try to anyway. It isn’t easy by any means.

I also run an animal sanctuary with my sister, we run a community outreach and we also work closely with someone else who also runs a kids’ clothes closet. My life is never boring and sometimes is pure chaos. - for the most part, I run the social media and feed our rescue cats. Cuz those jobs are what’s easiest for me.

My partner wouldn’t be able to work outside of the home at all. Because the whole household has some sort of immunocompromised issue that make getting sick very dangerous. And not just COVID. Other things too can be bad (even just a cold can be bad.)

Being with me would also mean jumping into parenthood right away. There is no sitting on the sidelines here. Yes, there is a learning curve. But I consider him mine. My sister considers me one of his parents. We co-parent him together. It takes all hands on deck. And no they wouldn’t be his dad/other mom. He has both of those. He calls me AJ. He’d call my partner(s) by their name or whatever title they’d want him to call them. Just not aunt/uncle cuz that’s ridiculous.

Dealing with that is rough and a lot to ask of someone. I mean just to hang out with someone outside of my home they have to isolate for at least a week before testing so that the COVID test is accurate. And only if it’s negative can we spend any time together.

And they’d be moving in with me once the relationship got to that point. I am not moving out of my house where my family and the child I help raise lives.

Who wants to put up with that? Who can afford to? That’s a lot to ask of someone.

I have a small number of loving relationships. All are online tho. And will more than likely not ever be anything more than that. And as sad as it makes me, I’ve accepted that. It breaks my heart but that’s the reality of it and clinging to hope that any of them will be more than that isn’t fair to either involved. Doesn’t make me love them any less tho.

I miss being held. I miss forehead kisses. I miss having someone who will take my glasses off my face when I inevitably fall asleep wearing them. I miss tight hugs and couch cuddles. I miss deep mental connections with physical intimacy. I miss info-dumping with someone who has mutual likes in shows movies books and comics. Someone who will encourage me to finish my fanfictions and actually enjoys when I talk about plot points in my stories. They don’t have to read them if they don’t want to but it would be nice to be honest if they actually wanted to. At least some of them anyway.

I just… I don’t know… I’ve been so depressed lately cuz it keeps hitting me how much I will not have these things. At least not before I’m too old for it to even matter anyways.

I realize there are people in the world who are much sicker than I am who are much more disabled than I am who have loving and loyal partners and healthy relationships that will last them for their lifetime. But I just don’t see it happening for me.

I hate that I can be both happy for someone and also very deeply sad because of them.

:(

I have more than one type of anemia. If I’m developing a sensitivity to meat I’m gonna be very upset right now and then VERY sick very soon 🤦 and I don’t mean the 🤮 way I mean the ☠️ way

I worry that COVID took a lot of the people I follow cuz the blogs who are fandom based are still on my feed. A lot of the chronically ill are not and it makes me sad.