I just sat there. I let myself take it. There was nobody else around, these people were not people they were monsters. And all I could see were monsters.

What would compel others to mistreat you so terribly, besides them being monsters.

Lonely, decrepit, wandering lost souls.

They never found their way they only helped me in losing my own.

I blame myself first and foremost.

I allowed this to Carry on for too long.

All I want to do is lie down on a blanket in a field and have a shimmering silhouette smack the mosquitoes off of me.

All I want is to feel physical pain and deal physical pain.

I don't want to drink or use drugs.

I want the force and power of a grown and athletic man to try his damndest to hurt me. So I may hurt him in return.

I want a piece of my mind a peace of mind. But I want it covered on blood, I want my body cowering in exhaustion and agony.

I need sweet release from this prison.

Death does not call me, they bellow and beckon out mindlessly.

I am an angry little man who can only go so far to stroke his ego. And will never do what's necessary to succeed.

As the weight begins to Set in I notice fear and apprehension fill in the cracks. There is no persona of these thoughts. They are inhuman in nature and vile to their core. But they come from me. How can that be? Why does this keep happening? Why am I lost in this realm? Why do I need help to live and love and gain joy for my life? What is wrong with me? And why cant this all come to a peaceful end?

All the times before this, before this moment; these moments bear more weight than any others in my life. I have lost hope and gained bitter helplessness. In all actuality, I'm sure this will come to an end one way or another and I pray it isn't the way I want but need.

Help me please I cannot pray anymore I just beckon to eternity and want to hear the echo. So long as it is the only words i can hear..

Help me help me

Maybe one day I can begin to help that poor voice. Maybe one day, I can begin to help myself.

I think for me a defining moment will always be how I was obsessed with being alone and how I suffered so much from it.

And also another defining moment was suffering abuse by the mother of my son.

These key moments, or weaknesses, truly made me feel as if this life was all meaningless.

It brings me to tears and brings me fatigue. I am not capable of a virtuous life or a life lived with the collective in mind. Who ever is in my priority is my priority. I can't seem to escape my sadness. I can't ever seem to find happiness. I can't ever seem to find happiness. I can't ever seem to find happiness

Until happiness finds me.

How long must I wait if years are destined to go by.

Before, the planets had aligned.

But now, I'd be lucky if even the cosmos could beckon to the cold indifference of humanity.

Death awaits us soon ferociously.

Utter sadness

Utter sadness

Sadness for the sake of lack of vitality.

I am in my zone and no one is around me.

I am alone.

How wonderful, for my whole life

I'll have children with different women

I'll die a ripe old age of 60 to 70 years of age

I will work hard, hard meaning, overbearing days.

Sleepless nights caused by stress

Stress caused by lack of money, lack of money caused by buying essentials needed for life

Also marijuana

...

...

...

...

Here, lemme show you...

Next thang I see, is a bald headed mother fucker coming at me, shit was crazy

...

That's crazy bro, how'd you make it out bro?

...

I ran as fast as i could not gonna lie

All I hear is him breathing harder than a motherfucker, see cuz you can't be hitting a motherfucker running especially someone like me who knows he's got that thang on him. So I was like running side to side he was already out of breath so i just out ran that motherfucker

...

Bro, you got angels bro. Someone's watching out for your ass.

You literally like, literally escaped death O.G

...

Yeah

...

Damn lemme write about that

...

What you asking fo?

...

oh shit you're right

My spirit has anger

All I know is anger and pain

What else is there when all never bears fruit.

Rage and indifference I reckon.

I know how sad I am. It is right and it feels. It has a meaning and vibrato to it. The very presence of life. Is all I feel when I get sad. It is a fire burned. There is just nothing left for it to consume. My light is fleeing. And apparently not everyone is adjusted to the dark. If only this all was figment of my imagination. So I knew I never ruined the lives of so many around me. I love you baby boy. I'll be strong it just hurts so bad right now. I'll be strong baby. I love you.

Seems like the only love that makes sense anymore.