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I Have Fish

@ceo-of-pigeon-milk

my mother said something really interesting about this episode (yes, she also watches the show and is a huge fan of dani rojas just like me) and it’s been stuck in my head ever since. she said: “it seems to me like this whole episode was about intimacy”

and like… yeah! that’s exactly it! the amsterdam trip set the perfect scene for it too, because people are normally a little more lax on vacation, a little more adventurous, a little more lenient and able to put themselves out there.

you have the pretty obvious contenders for this point: rebecca having her little fling with that nameless bald man and learning to open herself up to real connection and intimacy again, to be able to envision for herself a life and a love that is unmoored to her past with rupert and is able to exist in its own little intimate pocket. you’ve got jamie and roy learning to trust in each other, to be intimate and vulnerable about their pasts and about their present situations too (especially for roy, who is still right now a man who would rather break up with the woman he loves that admit, that he doesn’t think he’s good enough for her). and you also have, of course, the true soul of the episode, which was colin and trent’s discussion, and how colin feels that ache to be able to show the more intimate parts of him to the world the way heterosexual couples do, to be able to merge his intimate personal life with his fun if not a little reserved professional life. how to achieve a balance between intimacy and privacy.

and then you have the less obvious ones maybe, like higgins and will going to the jazz club— which isn’t really that hard to decipher when you think about it. it is, after all, where higgins opens up about an intimate detail of his love for jazz, and then gets to share his previously very intimate and private activity of playing the bass with the crowd. he even starts the night complaining of how exposed their seats feel, and ends up standing on the stage by the end of it. and, of course, will potentially had a threesome. so there’s a kind of intimacy for you. the one that truly isn’t obvious is the team pillow fight which honestly, I think is just a way of showing that sometimes a more intimate, fun yet indoor activity makes for better memories than something like a sex show or a club, which are both very grand and exciting yet impersonal and detached kinds of activities.

then of course you have ted, who is sort of lacking what my mother called an intimacy with himself. he’s been feeling a little lost, a little “stuck” as he put it. and I don’t think he understood why until this episode, until this adventure he went on with the museum and the american themed restaurant. it was a way for him to spend quality time with himself, to be alone with his thoughts while still not totally unable to absorb his surroundings and learn something. and in exploring his more intimate thoughts he was able to think of something really good! something that will make him a better coach!

and yeah, when it’s framed in this way I think this episode was sooooo killer. I love seeing people open up a little bit, to show these deep and intimate parts of their being. it’s so so so good.

i’m still reeling about the fact we all headcanoned trent, colin and keeley as queer and then it was actually just canon like??? when has this ever happened before?!?

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"What the fuck did you mean, flattered?"

Jamie glances at Roy on the bike behind him. "What?"

"Look where you're fucking going," Roy snaps, and Jamie looks back ahead just in time to dodge someone wheeling a pram. "I said, what the fuck did you mean when you said you were flattered that everyone thought you were gay? Why is that flattering?"

Jamie is confused for a moment that he's bringing this up now, then remembers Roy wasn't in the room for that. Someone must have mentioned it to him. "Always wanted to be gay," he explains.

"Why?"

Jamie shrugs. "Better clothes. Better clubs. Way better hookup apps. Plus, men are dead sexy."

There is a very long silence. Jamie glances back again just to make sure Roy hasn't fallen off the bike.

"You think men are sexy," Roy says flatly. "As in, you would like to have sex with them?"

"Yeah," Jamie sighs. "I think about it all the time."

Another long silence, then: "Have you ever heard the word bisexual?"

"Oh yeah, that's people who get to bang both! The fucking dream, innit. Wish that were me."

The rope around Jamie's waist starts to jerk rhythmically. He looks back to find Roy banging his head against the handlebars of the bike. "I don't—even—get fucking—paid for this," he's mumbling, and that's all Jamie catches before he crashes full-on into a streetlamp.

also. i could scream at how real it was when beard said other people in the room might be gay and every. single person. immediately clocked jamie. no hesitation. even ted looks at him. which means that every single one of them at least once has looked at jamie and had some variation of the thought “huh jamie’s kinda gay. okay then” and moved on with no further thought. also jamie was flattered but didn’t deny it so imo confirmed bisexual jamie tartt