I love you

never forget you : Zara Larsson, MNEK

Cedric:

Before

You are such a sad person and I feel bad for you. I really do hope you allow yourself to be genuinely happy instead of just trying to convince yourself you’re alright. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t miss you, because I do. But the thing is, I’m happy. It makes me a little bit sad to admit that without you in my life I’m just as happy as I was when you were in it. Someone told me you’re going to Montana and I’m excited for you. I wish I had been able to congratulate you on getting in, I know how worried you were about getting into college. I think it’ll be good for you to figure out who you are. I know it’s been a good thing for me.. 

After

I do want to say that I know what you did to her. And I think you are quite possibly the most selfish person I’ve ever met in my life. She was nothing but good to you, and you ruined her. Honestly, you need to stop taking good girls. You want so badly to be good that you attach yourself to good girls in more ways than one. But you do not want to be good enough. You always let the bad win just because you get tired. So go find a girl that is already bad, and bitter, and broken like you are. You are taking the broken happy girls and telling them you’ll put them back together then instead taking pieces and leaving, hoping their pieces will fit in your cracks but you already know they aren’t the piece of the puzzle you’re missing. Don’t imply you’ll fix someone unless you are willing to put in every effort to do so. I screamed and hurt myself when I heard what you did. I had so much faith in you. I thought maybe you had changed. I thought maybe you’d found the girl you were supposed to be with and that made me so happy, because then I could convince myself there was a reason it wasn’t me. 

Additionally

I listened to this song on repeat for an hour the night I first got drunk. (Yes I got drunk and it was for all the right reasons and I don’t regret it and I only thought about you because a friend showed me his favorite books: Looking for Alaska and Perks of Being a Wallflower, he had annotated them. Like I had for you. I doubt you ever even read them.) I don’t think I’ve ever found a song I can relate to this deeply. I guess that makes sense because I hadn’t found a person I could relate to that deeply till you. I see myself in other people, and I guess the part I see in you is the part in me that I hate. But I love myself and love you. Fuck I don’t even know what I’m saying that doesn’t make any sense.

There is so goddamn much I want to say to you, but there’s nothing left to say. I wish you had talked to me and told me everything that was bubbling inside your twisted mind that night I told you everything, but I guess you’ll be fine. I know I am.

we haven’t talked except to say to change your profile picture. you saw my message and still haven't.

You said you still wanted to talk. I told you to text me if you wanted to, you didn't.