my soul mate is most likely a grilled cheese

once a boy let me borrow his jacket and after i gave it back i heard him gushing to his friends bc it smelled like me

nice to know boys do that too

(via jubasaabtehtud)

Please do not stick your dick in someone’s ass and then put it in their pussy without wiping it off. That will cause a bacterial infection to the likes of which you’ve never seen. Love yourself as I have loved you.

YEA

People still reblogging this but for real do not do this shit. That bacterial infection can turn to a blood infection and your ass will die. All for some dick. You wanna die over some mediocre bootyass sex? Love yourself.

Change condoms when changing holes mkay loves?

Important

And for the love of all that is holy, don’t switch back and forth with your mouth either! *shudders*

Kill Bill (2003) Dir. Quentin Tarantino

Kill Bill (2003) Dir. Quentin Tarantino

had to go to the ER. a triscuit got lodged in my windpipe

you know what they say

a triscuit in the throat is worth two in the box

blue whales are the largest animal ever recorded, like you literally need to be in a helicopter to actually see one in from a perspective with zero distortion. idk i just feel pretty lucky to be alive on earth at the same time as them and they don’t even want to kill me. they just wanna use their toothbrush mouthes to filter the ocean of smol ocean bugs. they have communities and they sing to each other to communicate. work is slow im sorry happy friday whales r so cool

GOALS

Bullets are the only thing that do their job after they have been fired.

You know what I can’t wait to wake up to? My career.

I don’t even think you miss me and I don’t blame you

*meets u at a party* small talk is for posers, rate yr current level of existential dread from 1 to 10, let’s be emotionaly intimate forever starting now

sure, I don’t get a “healthy” amount of sleep like SOME PEOPLE do but can they do THIS *stands up, blacks out for a second*

I just want someone who’s excited to make out with me and text me all the time.

absolutely nothing, in my eyes, will ever surpass this in terms of sheer comedic value

I have a bath bomb from lush but no tub so I guess I’ll just have to eat it