i had a twisted dream this morning when my alarm tried to wake me up where jeff goldblum said 'Actually if you sleep a bit Longer you'll have More time to get ready It's called the Goldblum's Law and it works just go back to sleep' and i believed him and i overslept

hey boss sorry im late. i got Goldblumed

Your 30s aren't too late. Don't let nobody tell you that stupid shit.

Your 40s aren't too late. Don't let nobody tell you that stupid shit.

#as long as you're alive it's literally never too late

it doesn’t matter how perfect you were; it matters how far you go.

If this happened to me I would never shut up about it. Nobody would be able to criticize me ever again bc I'd know in my heart that I am a good bird — the crow said so.

looks like october is…. octover

i’m queueing this for next year

Its nowvember

FOOD HUBRIS BY COUNTRY america: believes their shitty local burger chain is a once-in-a-lifetime culinary experience because their mayo includes onion paste canada: if your poutine tastes better than the styrofoam plate it comes on you will discover the cold rage that lies under the canadian's polite exterior united kingdom: despite thriving and unique fusion cuisines spreading from the UK to the rest of the world in recent decades, when asked to think of 'british food' the average UK citizen will start a fight over whether cold beans with a modest side of white bread is haute cuisine france: McDo Ortolan Bunting italy: extremely mad about american versions of italian food. blissfully ignorant of what happens in brazil brazil: if the scientific genius applied to making cronenbergian pizzas were applied to anything else, brazilians would all be commuting to jobs on the moon. They have pizza that can feel pain russia: obviously mayonnaise is the perfect topping for all foodstuffs, this is solved. The question is what to put on top of mayonnaise, and it might never be answered germany: less a joke than a fact: the single most produced numbered Volkswagen part is a standardized currywurst

VOLKSWAGEN CURRYWURST IS REAL IM FLIPPING OUT

Y'know I was gonna make a comment about German "Mexican" food, but that Volkswagen thing genuinely takes the cake. What the fuck.

coming up with an au were a dead character lives but shaking my head while i do it so everyone watching knows i support the role their death played in the narrative and consider it a legitimate writing choice

"there is no way you're not using chatgpt for at least a few things here and there no matter your stance on it" what the FUCK are you talking about

Government shutdown on October first, you know what that means!

coming up with aus for your own ocs is so funny like yeah these are my guys i made up but in a different circumstance. yeah no i also made that circumstance up

*pays you with my 1 yucky dollar*

"if being hard on yourself was going to work it would have worked by now" okay well being soft on myself isn't working either so what the fuck is left. medium? I gotta be medium with myself? I gotta ask the fucking ghosts for help? is that it?

the ghosts have recommended a prescription for wellbutrin

I love asking friends, without context, "what are you really into this week?" I'll go first. this week I'm really into mouthwash and sudoku. Last week I was into peaches.

we used to be a society on here!! reblog, don't like! I want to hear what you're into!!! I'm literally looking into the nyt game Pips!!!

Love when Gringos, specially from north America approach the Bolsonaro trial with "I can't believe Brazil has more democracy than us" like we're a bunch of savages with no laws and it's somehow surprising to see Brazil jailing a man who attempted a coup.

It just shows you see Latinos like they're somehow less civilized than yourself, really and it's not the compliment you think it is

Did you know Brazil has set chairs for black people to study in college or get jobs in the public sphere? Did you know Brazil have the biggest universal healthcare system in the world? Did you know we have solid labor laws in place? Did you know gay marriage has been legalized since 2009, 5 years before it was legalized in USA? Did you know we have social name in place since 2016 so trans people can be called by their chosen names before they change it legally? Did you know we have free universities and colleges that are considered the best ones in the country? Of course not because all you guys think when you think about Brazil is gangs, drug smuggling and getting robbed because y'all think that all of Latino america is some kind of criminal paradise

Brazil went through a dictatorship backed by USA from 64 to 85. A lot of our problems nowadays happened because of that, and USAmericans have the gall to think were less civlized than then from a lack of our own instead of being systematically killed, oppressed and taken advantage of

guy in the corner of a party meme voice: they don't even know that the dangerous crow boy whose job it is to destroy plastic is in a 10-book series about a post-nuclear apocalypse world where fae are at war with a bunch of humans who just woke up from 2000 years of cryosleep

Changing the relationship status to "Stalemate"

Changing the relationship status to "Uneasy truce"

Changing the relationship status to "Mutually assured destruction"