“The Bat and the Cat. It’s got a nice ring to it.” — The Batman
The toxicity that ran through the veins of our relationship was bound to bleed out at some point. We were just waiting for it, waiting for that one scream, word, argument, touch, the final pin drop that would destroy us. We had it coming. I had it coming.
What’s ironic about a toxic relationship is it’s not all bad. Two people can look madly in love but hide every thing wrong about each other below the light surface of their skin. I knew it, I knew in the back of my mind for months that something wasn’t right. There was thick silence between us too often, too many nights I felt so far away from you although you slept on my chest.
But I ignored it. I ignored it when you smiled at me on Sunday afternoons looking up from your notebook or when you fell asleep with an upturned lip because I couldn’t stop saying ‘I love you’. I brushed it to the side when you bought me sunflowers and apologized for the things you said. You shut your mouth when I said too much instead of telling me how you felt, even if I was to blame.
I still know you better than you think because you haven’t changed much. You can’t act like you don’t glance at me walk by in the clothes you never took off my body. Or that last weekend when I took my sunglasses off to ask you if my pupils were big, that you did a double take at how blue my eyes were. You hesitated but asked me to take my glasses off twice to look. I looked at you too, I looked at the freckles I once knew on your nose and your pupils shrink in the heavy sunlight. I felt a strange feeling in my chest looking at you so close, but maybe it was just the drugs.
Toxic love and real love are not the same thing. We unfortunately had both, but the problem was that I confused the two. Both of us did, and even after the realization that we were slowly falling apart, it took both of us too long to let go, making the exit wounds deeper. Making the healing more painful, making it slower.
We bled out together, and part of me knows there’s still hidden wounds in both of us that need cleaning.
pieces i forget i wrote.
okay but waking up in the middle of the night to soft rain and knowing you’ve still got hours to sleep, when you’re toasty warm and comfortable & sleep has made you forget all your worries and responsibilities and u go back to sleep feeling as content as ever
you ever been 2 seconds from a psychotic break because you cant get a necklace hooked
sometimes u just gotta say “okey dokey” and just like.. rely on urself.. take things as impersonally as u can.. love and let go.. move on.. try and find all the good things, soak those in. and that’s all u can do! and sometimes, that’s enough
at some point you gotta be tired of going through the same shit
are you gonna choke me for valentine’s day or like what’s going on
“I always thought the end of us would be the end of me, but now it feels like sweet release. Now it feels like I’m free.”
— MK Ireland #213 : the end feels like my beginning
The distance keeps growing and the pain inside me continues to get deeper