in honor of barbie movie, i dug my Midge ™ out of my parents’ shed so i could show you all just how she worked if you’ve never witnessed it in action

as you can see, Midge has a magnetic pregnancy belly that contours to her unpregnant body

now inside the pregnancy belly of course is the barbie baby. it comes right out, no vagina to exit through. and if you look closely you can see that her underwear is also painted across the bottom of the belly. there is no mistaking this for a woman with any genitalia. just underwear.

here is the baby within the belly. i don’t think either of these is the correct way a baby should sit in a uterus but do i look like a fucking doctor to you?

the clearly very happy mother and child. and discarded magnetic belly. with underwear band.

unrelated but i also found my louis tomlinson doll

fuck it. pregnant louis tomlinson

No, but this is actually crazy in the most dystopian sense.

Still feels weird that the same band made "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" and "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)"

It's like if Smash Mouth and Fall Out Boy were one band.

The Offspring are honestly a contender for the funniest punk band ever, made even funnier by the fact that Dexter Holland is pushing 60 now and has a PhD in virology.

Like imagine being on an academic committee and reviewing a dissertation on HIV protein-encoding genomes and it's from a guy with frosted tips whose greatest legacy is the Crazy Taxi soundtrack.

That's the Offspring.

Playing Pretend (Part 10)

Two fools in love waste no time.

Roy Kent x Reader

2.1k words

Warnings: Language, suggestive fluff & allusions to smutty things, one instance of violence that is very well-deserved

Author's Note: Ahh, I'm kind of sad to be done with this! But I'm so glad y'all enjoyed it. Might do a little epilogue down the line... we'll see! 😘

Series Masterlist

Playing Pretend (Part 8)

Roy is a bit distracted during the wedding ceremony.

Roy Kent x Reader

1.3k words

Warnings: Language, Roy pining, pining, pining

Series Masterlist

ppl are so annoying “you can’t paint ur bedroom pink you’re an adult” i did not spend my entire life waiting to grow up and control my life to paint my bedroom beige

I had a sales woman in furniture store try and tell me not to buy a hot bubblegum pink loveseat because she wanted me to “think about the future”

Bitch, I am thinking about the future. I already got a hot bubblegum pink couch at home and now I need a loveseat to go with it.

when I first bought my house, I announced my decision to paint my bedroom purple. I had wanted a purple bedroom for thirty damn years, you fucking bet I was gonna have one now. My friends decided, for some reason, that I meant what one of them referred to as “14 year old girl purple” (through what’s wrong with the colors a 14 year old girl chooses, I don’t know, even if they’re not what I want as an adult). They didn’t believe me until they saw the color on the actual wall, even thought they helped me pick out paints. My mother, meanwhile, decided to get worried that if I painted my bedroom a “dark purple”, it would be “depressing”. As if, with an entire house to live in, I would spend all my time in the bedroom, which I wanted to be dark because I would be sleeping in there. In the damn dark.

I had like one, maybe two friends who were all like FUCK YEAH YOU PAINT IT WHATEVER COLOR YOU WANT, PURPLE BEDROOMS ARE AWESOME.

But when they actualy saw the finished bedroom, every single one of them was like, “Oh yeah, that’s really pretty.” (Well, the ones who supported me from the beginning were more like WOOHOO.)

And the moral of the story is: Fuck ‘em, please yourself. Either they’ll come around, or you can safely ignore every question of taste they opine about for the rest of time.

This applies to other adulting activities, too. When I was a kid, I decided that I wanted to have a wedding cake made of doughnuts. When I got older, I figured that I would be “mature” about it and get a traditional cake, which the older adults approved of. Now that I’m 25 and facing the possibility of actual marriage in the near future, I’m just like “marriage is a social construct but it comes with tax & insurance benefits, so just give me that goddamn doughnut cake.” If they don’t like it then they don’t have to come to my wedding.

https://xkcd.com/150/

I would like you all to view my office. I’m thirty and my rainbow room is awesome, people can fight me

I’m thirty and my first big furniture purchase was a custom coffin shaped coffee table that opens up and is lined with purple crushed velvet. I would have loved it at 13 and I love it now. Growing up doesn’t mean you have to abandon what makes you happy.

GROWING UP DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO ABANDON WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

the infantilization of color and decoration in the home is so bizarre to me- and such a new phenomenon

the world over, our ancestors painted their homes bright or deep or rich colors for centuries. they brought beautiful textiles into their living spaces, and made their utilitarian objects ornamented, or colorful, or shaped like whimsical things. in all cultures, at all class levels and ages, to the best of their ability. and we’re just supposed to throw away centuries of the basic human desire for beauty and visual interest because some asshole decided like 40 years ago that anything beyond a Pop of Color and an IKEA fake plant was “childish?”

fuck that

i would like to add to this wonderful post that this applies to stuffed animals/plushies too!! if you’re an adult/older teen and you still sleep with plushies, good for you!! i have about eight plushies that i sleep with, i’ve been doing it since i was an infant, fuck the press, and enjoy your giant pit of squishmallows.

I would sell my soul to be able to paint any of my rooms. Landlord Beige and Eggshell are the worst colors. To each their own but the fact that some people have the ability to make their house colorful and then don’t for the sake of like modern minimalism is just mindblowing to me

albatrosses will wipe the floor with any species of bird you choose to compare them to. they’re the Most, or at least Extremely, by almost every metric

wingspan. lifespan. intricacy of mating dances. devotion to monogamy. investment in offspring. ability to circumnavigate the globe. literary symbolism that is flexible but not to the point of meaninglessness. eyeliner quality. I could go on

muppetness of said offspring

A lot of people don't seem to know that a bunch of older stars end up in poverty. Fame is fleeting. The glamorous role often doesn't pay as well as you think.

Tales of Angela Landsbury insisting ageing stars get roles on Murder She Wrote so they could retain their medical insurance.

Every worker needs unions. Bit-part workers need A-lister solidarity. Being an A-lister doesn't last forever.

Also it's incredibly weird to be like "the most powerful bargaining chips shouldn't get involved". Like what is the logic there. The point of a union is that everyone stands up for each other. Why would you not want influential voices and in-demand service providers being on strike and talking about it. It's like if a bunch of soldiers show up to defend a town and people are like "no, they moved away from that town for a while so they shouldn't be on the front lines, they should go away and let the town fend for itself". I do not understand the 'too rich and famous to strike' logic at all.

Sadly, there is a large part of the human race that thinks the goal of life is "amass enough money and power to stop getting fucked and start doing the fucking", and they can't wrap their mind around the concept of someone who isn't getting fucked anymore* caring about the people who are still getting fucked.

*as if Disney didn't deliberately and flagrantly violate their contract with ScarJo. Or Robin Williams, at the height of his career, for that matter. A-listers have stakes in this fight worth millions, and yes, they earned that money.

Even if success did make someone not care about fairness in their industry I don't see why that would matter. Boots on ground is boots on ground. We want practical achievement in securing fair pay and treatment, not a sincerity contest.

all goofing aside I genuinely don't understand the urge to reimagine Taylor Allison Swift as a secretly queer icon when the pop music scene(TM) is like. literally overflowing with women who actually like women. Gaga and Kesha and Miley and Halsey are right there. Rina Sawayama and Hayley Kiyoko and Rebecca Black and Kehlani and Victoria Monét and Miya Folick if you're willing to get slightly less top 100. Janelle and Demi for them nonbinary takes on liking girls. like what are we doing here. like I'm not even saying you can't enjoy Taylor but why would you hang all your little gay hopes on her.

Isn’t Lady Gaga bisexual?

yes that is indeed why she's on the list of famous women who like women

why have multiple people reblogged this with some horse-assed "um actually most of these people are bi or pan" did I fucking stutter I said they like girls. what is your point. I'm going to kill you.

#op probably has this post muted but the icon is too real.

the icon is because of this post

POV: you make a good post and then encounter tumblr reading comprehension

btw to just clarify for anyone who sees this reblog of this post

op is basically saying something along the lines of "yea ik taylor swift is bi but like. why is she y'all's only lgbtq+ pop icon when there are all these other lgbtq+ people in the pop scene???"

i might have worded this badly but hopefully i got the main point across

hi op here I certainly did not fucking say Taylor Swift is bi

i hate it when you ask people to treat fat people with just some semblance of decency and you get hit with "stop promoting obesity" -_-................. just because you said that im promoting obesity now.

People are fretting about the "sexuality" of people riding bikes naked at pride and as someone who was once at the Farmer's Market with family without realizing it was World Naked Bike Ride day I have to say: who the fuck sees that and gets horny instead of thinking about how awful it'd be if they crashed. I know I'm ace but if you look at a dicks out bicycle rider and think sex thoughts instead of FRETTING for that dick, being CONCERNED about the lack of safety precautions for that dick, thinking with horror about the pavement beneath, I don't know what to say

Saturday Mornings

MASTERLIST

🤸‍♀️ Well , well, well, didn't take long to get me back on my bullshit, did it? 🤣 I bring you a Roy Kent smutty one shot. Enjoy the gorgeousness of this man 🥵

Roy doesn't have a thing for Phoebe's dance teacher. Until he does. 👀

For @littleesilvia 😘

Saturday Mornings

Saturday morning had always been for Phoebe. From the day she was born, Roy had dedicated every Saturday morning to her. In the first weeks of her birth, he'd let himself into his sister's house and picked up a squawking Phoebe from the moses basket and taken care of her from 6-10 am so his sister could get more sleep. In those early days, he'd spoken to her in his deep, gruff voice while she drifted in and out of sleep. Then they'd go for a walk to the shop, the neighbours peeping into the buggy until Roy had growled at them to "Fuck off and stop gawping at her, she's trying to fucking sleep." As she got a little older, it became cartoons and cereal - devoured together on the sofa, and then a trip to the park. He'd arranged everything for 9 years around his Saturday mornings with Phoebe. Even away matches with a midday kick off didn't stop him, it didn't matter if it was an hour, or five hours - match day or no match day, rain or shine, if he was single or not, Uncle Roy would be there. Their time alone together moved through her swimming lessons phase, gymnastics phase, and morphed into his coaching her kids team. He wanted to be on board with this next phase - really, he did. 

Red Card

MASTERLIST

Roy Kent x F!Reader

It's the first time in 135 years that the Premier League has allowed a female referee to official a match... Remaining neutral is absolutely key. Plenty of fluff and smut and flirting 😏

The anticipation was at a whole different level. For the first time in history, a woman would referee a Premier League football game. The FA had played a blinder from a marketing perspective - a local girl from Richmond itself - refereeing a Richmond vs. Man City match - the top two finishing teams of the previous season. Sky Sports, BT Sport, Match of the Day, ESPN… every single football broadcaster or news outlet was on site. It couldn’t get any more high profile. It had been all anyone had talked about for weeks on end. Roy was sick of hearing about it, talking about it, and reading about it.

y’all kids are weird for being like “i’m a smut fanfic writer no one follow me over 29😖😖” like show some respect to your elders. those bitches paved the way for a possibility of fanfiction apart from wattpad style. don’t be fuckn weird

I was once in a fandom that was so small the entirety of fanfic output was carried by a total of 5 women over 40, and when I tell you that fandom has by far the best fanfiction and smut content out of every single community I've ever been in. These women are prolific and experienced and have a grasp on sexuality, both as a literary device and general life experience, that you only get from age and love of the craft. Old women form the very basis of sexual fanwork, shoutout the Trekkie housewives. People should be so lucky to be under 29 and writing smut that really interests older women in fandom.

Also when Keeley says “don’t you ever get tired of only spending time with people who don’t know anything about you” re: the yoga mums… I think it’s important to note that it’s perhaps only the yoga mums, actually, who have seen Roy in his truest form….

Phil Dunster warms up during the Game 4 Ukraine match at Stamford Bridge on August 05, 2023 in London, England

There’s so baby girl coded