i love the news. this is from a real article

This is skewed by scots, irish, and welsh whose grudges are all against the english

#grudges seòrsa is an outlier adn should not have been counted (via @beturass)

yeah that checks out

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

I always need this on my blog.

I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning. 

Yes

I hate how white people invented the we don’t owe each other anything mindset

Someone from the Uk Here!

Maybe it was just how I was raised, but I was taught to clear off when dinner was being cooked like it was rude to hang around and expect to be fed by another person’s family unless you’ve been invited round specifically for dinner/lunch

Hi person with common sense that isn’t from the uk here i think the english are demonic

there's an alternate universe where the loser of the election is the new president's vice president. in this universe, Trump won the 2020 election and Biden is his loyal vice president. there's tension. they're deeply opposed on many things. but at the end of the day they're both rich white men, and in time they find common ground. the tension now is something else. Trump swears Biden is looking at him funny. he trusts the man now; Biden has comforted him following three different assassination attempts. but there's something about his gaze. something hungry. one night, Trump is working late, Biden sitting next to him idly reading the report on the deteriorating state of the climate. they've worked together for three years now, and feel more at home in each others' presence than anywhere else. suddenly, Trump can't breathe. Joe has wrapped a wire around his neck and pulled it tight. his vision's turning black, he's panicking. he manages to choke out a single question: "Joe... why?" Joe just smiles, eyes unreadable behind his sunglasses. "Guess I was just... Biden my time"

target audience

also i think it's funny how tumblr was like "you can pay to see someone's posts" and we were all like FUCK you and they were like "... pay to... inflict your own posts... on others?" and we were like

first post I've seen making use of the new function to pay to promote ur own posts is feeling like a good sign. the site is healing

things are returning to how they once were

I haven't seen hobbit love yet i'm so mad

everyone’s debating posts of the decade, best and worst, and i have yet to see anyone mention moon moon

for those who were not on here to experience this ridiculousness

Seriously. It caused so many memes.

Truly the greatest meme of our generation

I'm dying. I saw the original, but I've never seen any of the others. God bless you, Moon Moon.

MOON MOON WAS THE BEST

@thatotherentity

did not expect to see moon moon today

Dammit Moon Moon! About time you came back!

I love this post so much

me showing the doctor where to amputate my leg as i ready the tourniquet 

Warning: never do this. If you use publicly available information to find an inconvenient time for a cop to attend your court date, then they might miss it, which would result in your ticket being thrown out, potentially costing the state hundreds of dollars of your fines.

[image: a cropped Tiktok screenshot. text reads "one time I got pulled over so I got the cop's name from the ticket and used it to find his Facebook then his wife's Facebook—she was pregnant—then found her due date and rescheduled my court date for the birth of his first born child".]

we’re deleting all anime blogs that aren’t naruto

when girls like horses we call them ‘horse girls’ and mock them for their bond with giant nightmare leg-finger creatures

but if boys like horses we call them ‘future cowboys’ and ‘rugged outdoors men’

I’m just saying, I’ve met a lot more horse girls than horse boys so when the dystopic breakdown of society hits us, it’s not going to be roving bands of young men on horseback (they don’t know how to ride, they haven’t B O N D ED)

it will be Kelly from elementary school and her band of fifty midwest girls in pink cowgirl boots who have come for your resources

Wanna know a fun fact?

When they were filming Lord of the Rings, they needed A LOT of extras to be able to ride horses into battle. They couldn’t find nearly enough men with horses/ riding skills, so they hired just like a crap ton of women who were expert riders, slapped some beards on ‘em, and called it good. The VAST majority of the riders in that film are horse girls. Horse girls win battles.

Horse girls win battles.

one of those horse girls didn’t have a horse, so she roped a wild one, rode it to set, and did the battle scene on it

that went hella left

The full story is here btw [XX]

A) i was a church organist

B) i made cereals w beer instead of milk

C) i can hold my breath for 40 seconds

Which one is a lie

First one to answer right gets a free shitty drawing

@antifamutantdown what do u want me to draw shittily

This is too much power but I’ll go with a Pikachu trying to murder Winnie the Pooh, and thank you.

FUCK

Op, you said SHITTILY

You said SHITTILY OP

THIS IS AMAZING

Acceptable use of 'Boys will be boys'.

I would like to apologize to polo shirts for not appreciating them sooner

Do they look good? Not usually. Do they feel good? Occasionally. Do they communicate "chill out bro I only just work here?" Absolutely. And sometimes that's what an employer needs to hear

I'm not even going to button the top button. Physically I may be in this cubicle but mentally I am enjoying a tropical drink on the beach. I am responding to your unnecessary email with nothing but cool ocean breeze. If you have any problems you can swing by my desk with another tropical drink and maybe I will consider doing analysis on that spreadsheet you sent to me in jpeg format. Maybe.

Who the fuck jpegs a spreadsheet

Would you believe me if I said "people employed by the federal government"

Unfortunately

HOW the fuck do you jpeg a spreadsheet?