i keep getting notifs of neil gaiman liking good omens related posts and always thought that he was just a fan. i opened his profile today AND FOUND OUT HE WROTE IT????

Thanks for hanging out with me! Was I cool? did you like me? What do you think of me in detail? Do you hate me?

high voltage

#good news: this is how you make more of them and it doesn’t hurt them#bad news: i checked the tags to see if that had been said and someone called this ‘grinch meat’#and now i want to crawl into a hole (x)

GRINCH MEAT?!

Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me.

I know there is a lot of discourse (tm) around this right now but listen to me

sometimes you do just have to lie to children.

If, when my toddler is, you know, toddling around saying “mama? Big ball?”

If I were lean down and say “unfortunately the big beach ball for some reason fills you with such an unadulterated rage that is beyond human comprehension that you scream until you pass out, so mama had to remove the beach ball from the premises until you can better regulate your emotions” she would simply stare at me like I had 3 heads full of equal betrayal.

So, for now, instead “big ball went night night!”

Please understand when I say “removed the ball from the premises” I mean I popped it in a fit of exhausted confusion. I murdered the beach ball.

See I’ve lied to you all too and it was better this way.

you can’t just leave this in the tags etc.

You can’t be funnier then me on my own posts, I’m in tears from laughter

For the record I clicked yes and it crashed my game

sorry it was too much for me man

it’s O.K. giant rat

HOW?

Apparently someone left a lighter in their pocket and all of That is from the gas released when the lighter ruptured

So there's slightly more to it than that, that dryer is a natural gas dryer rather than a purely electric one. So when the lighter went off (the initial small explosion) it damaged the sealed drum enough to get to the gas lines in the heating element of the dryer which then allowed the natural gas and oxygen to mix, hit the fire from the lighter, and result in the second MUCH LARGER blast.

This is one of the many reasons why you always check your pockets, and also why I've never owned a natural gas dryer, even though they're way more energy efficient than an electric one.

Also the choice of music is... Something

A cute prince in the sugary lap of luxury~ (Attacking puppyhonk on twitter)

Either you're frolicking in this field with me or you're frolicking in this field against me.

The peanut butter in Reese's cups has the taste and texture of like a vitamin enriched paste you squeeze from a tube directly into your mouth when you've been living in a bunker for 30 years bc aliens invaded and it's your birthday treat. I say this with love

You and your best friend wont be able to go to each others funerals.

False, imma haunt the shit out of her funeral

Me when I see Yoshi

what the fuck is wrong with these hamburgers

people keeping sending me anons says these are “macaroons”. you guys are stupid, that’s not macaroni. they’re moldy ass hamburgers

It’s not tainted meat!

It’s painted meat!

PRETTY PATTIES!

Available in six designer colors.

this nigga sound like an out of breath Luther Vandross

LMAO THAT NIGGA WANNA LAUGH SO BAD

Lmao he sound like he using a Shake weight 😂😂😂

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Get this man outta here lmaoooo

He goin through it!!

Soccer Dad Gettin His

Turn up at the Hyundai dealership 

Why must the peach symbolize the booty?!

Every time I eat a peach, feel like I’m chompin on some ass

Bringing this back because I just ate a peach and I feel wrong

Bikes = Bicycles, so therefore Yikes = Yicycles

Mike=mikecycle

So hike would be hikecycles?