once, just once can I PLEASE get a home invasion horror movie where the victim is the one yielding a chainsaw? I mean it’s their basement, they know where the power tools are kept. they know which kitchen knives are the sharpest. hell, a bunch of us own functional katanas for no reason. being in your own environment gives you an edge, i know exactly where i keep all the weapons in this household 

with easy grasp no matter what room I’m in, I have access to: a meat cleaver, several butcher knives, a metal closet rail, a crossbow, a fucking real swept hilt rapier, six hammers, two barbells, a shotgun, a cast iron skillet, and a candle in a glass jar that weighs about 20 pounds. Not to mention three big dogs.

Home Alone was the more realistic home invasion movie all along

prompt: a group of tired disenchanted adults who saved the world as teenagers are asked to do so again.

Please leave me alone I already did this shit once.

We will never die not while GAUD protects us.

GAUD GAUD GAUD GAUD GAUD

Humans are unstoppable...Until they aren’t.

I’m not the most eloquent writer, but I’ve had this idea kicking around for a while and figured I’d put it out into the universe.

A lot of the basis for the “humans are space orcs” stuff is the idea that we’re pretty durable compared to many species, yeah? When it comes to physical trauma, we can bounce back from most things that don’t kill us outright, especially given the benefit of hypothetical space-age technology, and adrenaline is one heck of a drug when it comes to functioning under stress. 

But that doesn’t make us unkillable, and even though we can survive debilitating injuries and not die from shock, it doesn’t mean it’s fun. Dying of shock sucks, but at least it’s probably quick.

So - Imagine a ship, adrift in space, slowly being drawn into a star or something. In order to save the ship, someone has to repair the hyper-quantum-relay-majig on the hull or in the engine or whatever. Bit of a problem though- there’s a ton of deadly, deadly radiation (Wrath of Khan style) or poisonous fumes or, I dunno, electrical current, between the crew and the repair. Like, enough to kill most species instantly, so the crew is just like, ‘welp, guess we’ll die then’. But then.

BUT THEN

They ask the human. Because everyone’s heard the stories - you’re basically unkillable, right? Could you survive long enough in there to fix it? And their human goes real quiet for a second, but still says ‘Yeah, I could fix it’. And the rest of the crew is like, ‘Whaaaaaa, it won’t kill you?’ and the human repeats “I can fix it” (which isn’t an answer, but no one catches that, not yet at least), so they send ‘em in. And the human fixes it, they come back, the ship flies to safety, and the crew is thrilled to survive. If the human is a little quiet, well, they’re entitled after pulling off a miracle. Everyone else is just excited to get to the nearest station’s bar to tell their very own human story, cuz, ‘those crazy humans, amiright?’.

The good mood keeps up until the human is late for their next shift. At first it’s just faint unease, but- but they earned a bit of a lie-in, right? No reason to begrudge them some extra rest, even if it is a little weird for them to oversleep. They’ll be fine. Humans are always fine. 

(Right?)

(…Wrong.)

- What is… help. Help!-

- ake up! You have t-

- been days. You need sleep, you-

- nother transfusion. We could-

- out of sedatives!-

A week later, the crew finally reaches the station. They stumble into the bar, haggard and haunted. And over the next months and years a new rumor about humans starts to make its way through space. A rumor unlike any before.

‘Be careful with your humans’ it whispers. ‘Their strength is not always a blessing. Be sure they don’t do something they can’t come back from, because when a human dies… they die slowly.’

The thing is, humans can be tricky. And if they’re sufficiently pack-bonded with a ship’s crew? And that crew is in danger? They’ll willingly offer themselves up to make sure the crew survives.

They won’t tell their crewmates that whatever danger it is will just kill them slowly, that they can endure the exposure but not the long-term effects.

But the idea that humans can be fragile? Can die later from exposure to radiation or toxins or electricity or even smoke inhalation?

It seems preposterous!

There are too many stories about humans surviving all sorts of conditions that would kill their other crewmates. A human dying slowly, later, lingering and in agony? It’s a creepy story but of course it’s not true.

But then… another crew shares their own story. Their human volunteered to go into the danger zone to fix what needed to be fixed. Or maybe she had to retrieve a critical component or resource. And she lingered. Wasted away. Later the human doctors told their medical team there was nothing they could do but make sure she was comfortable, ease her pain before the end.

And yet another crew, whose human plunged through smoke and ash to make sure his crew could escape. He choked and coughed and couldn’t get enough air. Their medical commander performed an autopsy and found his lungs and throat and sinuses all coated in black soot and blackened mucus and red blood.

So the stories spread. Just because they don’t die of shock, just because they don’t die right away doesn’t mean it won’t kill them. They linger in agony or unconscious or waste away slowly.

But what’s most horrifying of all?

When other humans hear the stories from the traumatized crewmembers?

They aren’t surprised or horrified.

They say “Of course”

They say “I would have done the same”

They say “it was the Right Thing to do”

And they’ll smile (what the crew’s human would have called a sad smile) and toast to the dead. For making “The ultimate sacrifice for the folks they loved” and every human listening will say the name and drink a shot of liquor.

These are the real reasons I like “humans are space orcs” stories. Not because it’s “humans are such action hero badasses,” but because they include the hope that, when we do finally join the galactic community, we’ll actually share the best parts of ourselves, the willingness to help and love even when it’s hard. I feel like that’s what’s really important for us to share.

“You humans… wrote fiction about this? You actually wanted to be these highly resilient idiots that sacrifice themselves in impossible situations?”

“Well, not wanted to, but look, *wheeze* you’re a biologist. You’ve observed lots of pack and herd animals across the galaxy, right? Their strength is in their numbers. We’re willing to keep our pack members alive no matter the cost, even if it means self-sacrifice, because that’s when we’re strongest.”

“But you fight and kill each other all the time!”

“Yeah, that’s kinda part of the same thing. *wheeze* If we don’t have a pack formed for us, like the crew of a ship, we tend to invent our own packs, and our packs can get a bit… territorial. But packs will merge to answer greater threats, and that’s all our nation-states are, larger and larger coalitions. *wheeze* We’ve always known that our real greatest strength is our bond to others. Even before we left our planet, we had this idea that no matter how strong we are as an individual, there’s always someone stronger, and no matter how smart we are, there’s always someone smarter. But together, we can be more.”

“And sometimes that means doing something incredibly stupid like exposing yourself to flesh-eating microorganisms?”

“To save your big purple ass from the same? Every bloody time, mate. *wheeze* Speaking of, would you mind making sure this message chip gets back to my family on Earth? You know, just in case the Doc can’t cure this in time?”

“… It would be an honor.”

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…

John: “Is there a problem officer?”

Cop: “You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?”

John: “ahhhh, why don’t I spare you the trouble, officer? I don’t have a license, so I shouldn’t be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk”

Cop: “Holy shit!”

The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.

Chief: “Sir, may I see your license?”

John: “Sure”

John had his license

Chief: “May I see the vehicle’s owner registration?”

John: “Sure”

It was his car

Chief: “Could you open your glove box?”

John: “Sure”

There were no weapons

Chief: “Could you pop open your trunk?”

John: “Be my guest”

There were no bodies in the trunk

Chief: “Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner’s dead body in the trunk”

John: “Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding”

Jeff, it’s really not a bad joke…

Jeff we've talked about your URL

i feel like we, as a global community, don’t bully england enough

I’m offended

not nearly enough but you will be

We probably deserve it but I will still hit you with a kettle

BOIL ME IN THE KETTLE

Gaud tea anyone?

For some reason were scared of looking into the abyss of the ocean when its only a few miles deep, but we’re completly fine looking into the nearly infite abyss of space. In fact, most of us find is calming.

Gravity doesn’t drag me upwards into the unforgiving maw of the cosmos.

Not yet.

ravenclaw common room is papered in post-it notes that people keep leaving as reminders and then completely forgetting about

It actually would be but they'd be floating around in a cloud and no one can find the reminder that they wrote

Sometimes I’m tired of being nice. One day your femur will be mine

WRONG BLOG WRONG BLOG

GUYS STOP REBLOGGIING THIS

No

In WW2 the British turned s Spitfire fighters into mobile beer kegs.

size of the donut hole through the years (Via keepfilming)

Interesting. Reverse the chart and it’s my asshole through the years.

why would you comment that

Because it's Tumblr @hyperboul

Not a dream

Quick

Does anyone have a picture of those birds that look like they have a bowl cut toupee

What are they called

These gnarly little dudes

Gloster Canaries

Thank you!

I just noticed that your profile picture is Crowely from Good Omens.

Good afternoon here’s a picture of me

Is that Great Wolf Lodge in Atlanta, Georgia?

Great wolf lodge? Yes Atlanta Georgia? No

Arizona?

Nope

washington?

Nah

Ohio?

favorite part of the witcher is seeing all these self-identified heterosexual men on twitter thirsting over henry cavill.  put henry cavill in tight leather pants and suddenly a lot of men are learning something about themselves

I mean it is THE Henry Cavill.

it’s really dark in here & i keep bumping into furniture 

sounds like ikea

u know you’re only supposed to shop when the store is open right

That is when Ikea is open. It's worse at night.

One of my favourite things in this film is Loki’s response to Hulk smashing Thor in exactly the same way that Loki got smashed.

This? Wasn’t? In? The? Movie????

Deleted scenes exist, roomba

If it’s a deleted scene that means it wasn’t in the movie

Oh I remember this. Im pretty sure it was in the movie!!

What country do you live in because I’ve watched ragnarok religiously and I know I’ve never seen this

Isn’t this when they’re fighting in the arena? I think it’s when he’s sitting up in the skybox, it might not look familiar because of image quality or something. I feel like I remember that Loki was cheering because Thor got smashed into the ground by hulk in the arena.

It’s definitely not in the american version

Really? That’s weird, I’m American. I remember him saying something like this.

Apparently it’s in the directors cut

This is a wider shot and it's facing him head on but yes it was in the movie