Ballad Forest

I reach for warmth,

hand extended.

my plant and I have that in common,

leaning towards the sunlight,

leaning towards the window,

for a gasp of air,

for a moment of warmth,

of sunshine.

yearning bites,

it sinks its teeth so deep.

it is a slow ache,

like the cold of winter,

how it seeps in, seeps in,

little by little,

but all at once you notice,

you feel it in your bones.

I imagine someone's comfort so oft,

it feels more like rememberance.

fingers in my hair,

at my spine,

gentle touches,

fingers between mine.

the nights are hardest,

always have been.

won't you lie beside me?

I could touch your cheeks,

your hair,

I could share my body heat.

won't you be my sunshine?

the wind is high on the storm front

don't tell me I have to stay

my sail has been filled with air

I must now sail away

there are journeys to be had

the clouds are cotton candy sky

and all the world's undone come night

beneath orion's belt

I'm going now

flying away

don't let me see you cry

it's not farewell forever

it's simply a goodbye

you're dear and precious to me and I hope I can show you the volume of my affection for you, though it is as long as all the roads ever paved or ever cut, laid end to end

time slows, one breath

two steps

from the precipice

you take my time away

you take my breath away

listen to the symphonies

I hear them calling

across the distance

two hearts beating

rhythm

one song

I sing into the empty ballroom

my voice bounces off the walls

this is a sleepy lullaby

this is a funeral song

I sing til my last breath

a song about the days

and the nights come calling

loom over where I lay

there is sweetness here still

a warmth like fire and flame

there is goodness here

my woes all fly away

please don't cry now dear one

I'm in a better place

a place where all the songbirds

sing me to my grave

the cherry blossoms are blooming

the first harbinger of Spring

and I feel the year closing

it will be Halloween soon

with every step I carry myself closer, closer

to the close

goodbye weary Winter

it is time for the flowers to bloom

the snow is melting

time is melting too

powder blue

cable knits

pastels brushed against the sky

fluffy clouds

white as snow

naked trees

lightning storms

puddle ponds

pumpkin soup

baked dinner

pie

rainy windows

candlelit baths

the wind a dreamy sigh

winter presses inwards

against the window pane

I draw chill air deep, deeper

into my chest

it sits there

swirls inside me

I am colder with every passing moment

the ice is forming around my heart

I'd be alright, I insist

if only someone took my hand

linked their fingers with mine

I'd be alright, alright

winter bleeds in

through the cracks

flows in

under the front door

I go out into the rain storm

glasses streak with dewy drops

water rakes its fingers down my back

my clothes cling

my hair droops

it is cold here

colder, colder

I take a breath

get ready to scream

like a howling dog

let it escape me

I imagine touching you so oft

it feels like I've already done so

I imagine your laugh so clearly

it feels like you are beside me

I imagine what it would be like

to hold you

to lie with you

to stargaze on cold nights with you

my dreams telescope

kaleidoscope

my breath catches in my throat

just thinking of you

oh, if only you knew how I long for you

I could take every star from the sky

bottle it

each one a time I thought of you

write you an endless symphony

I'll show you how every note bleeds for you

oh, how I wish you knew

how I care for you

it's August and the chill bleeds in through the window

it brings crispness to the air

the room is spinning, spinning

I barely dare to hope

deep breaths I take into my lungs

cool air so cold it stings

bring to me those final verses

this final melody

I feel I could die here beneath your wings

Time collapses,

Telescopes,

Time stretches.

I feel I'm two breaths away,

From my mortality,

Yet death will take its eternity,

Creeping closer.

I can feel the sand escaping the hourglass,

Like coffee through a filter,

Like rain from a cloud,

Pouring.

Time is like a river during drought,

It narrows.

Looking back over my shoulder,

Five years,

Simultaneously feels a lifetime and no time,

Ago.

Still it marches forward,

The world is spinning my Dear,

So don't you dare stand still.

The storm clouds pass overhead

So fast

I wish I could jump atop one

Float away

I wish I could lay there

Feel the spark off the lightning as it arcs below

I feel myself sinking

Into the sadness

Can't I just fly away?

I just want to fly away

The storm washed streets

Fluffy bedsheets

I could drown in this storm

I could go under

I should swallow the tears

Like the Earl Grey tea pressed between my palms

It's some comfort, that warmth

Though there is little comfort better than a heart beating mere inches from your own

Chest to chest

Breast to breast

I could pull someone close

Like a step in life's endless dance

Let them go

Watch them twirl away

Haven't I?

I've done it many times before

Oh, it's hard to breathe

And I can't sleep lately

That's not new

Days like these just remind me of my grave

Not in a fearful, or dreadful way

In a peaceful, final sleep way

Sometimes it feels easier to just sink down

I think about how I'm always wound up so tightly

Like a spring

About how I need to learn to let things flow

Like the rain

And let the water wash, wash away the pain

I think about how I need to let things go

I find these things are so often easier said than done

But I want to get better

I will

Gale

Let the blade lead

The storm rides mere moments behind

Gaia

Let the blade lead

Daybreak in the dark of night

You know when someone plays a chord on a guitar but they've misplaced one finger in the chord formation, so it's just this unsettling, discordant noise? Now imagine that as an emotion- that's how I feel today

There was a melody I heard played once

On a guitar

It was written for me

And every note was a testament to us

To how united we were

My friend learned to play the drums

Just so he could be in a band with me

I remember the time I was sad

Crying, world heavy on my shoulders

Two strangers stopped and talked

Until I'd finished with my tears

The applause at the end of a show

The symphonies

The human moments

"I picked this flower for you"

"I chose this gift"

"I made this for you"

"I love you"

The unanimous support from everyone when I told them I had been sexually assaulted

The comfort

The words of advice

Of consolation

The beauty in the world

New parents meeting their child for the first time

Stained glass windows

Aquariums

Church choirs singing

Oh, I've seen the scary parts of it

I know the world is cold

Humanity is harsh

There is heartlessness

But wherever I stumbled

There were people around me

Lifting me up

Being grown is scary

But I'm fortunate after all

To have so many people to help me when I fall

At the end of the day

When the waves meet the moon

As she rises

At the end of the year

In the darkness

Before the fireworks

In the moments before dawn

In the sound of the rain

In the darkness

In my final dying breaths

I'll dream of you, Darling