ME FUCKING TOO.

I don’t post on tumblr often. In fact I haven’t in a really long time. YEARS. Said anything about my life. But I am at a loss of how/when to go about saying these things that have been on my chest for so long. So here we go. I was sexually assaulted. I was sexually assaulted by my BEST FRIEND. A girl. I was drunk and she forced herself on me... I didn’t want to lose my best friend. I wanted to ignore it. And I did that for awhile. But it ate at me. It bothered me. It worried me. I texted my now fiancé the morning of but after that moment, I didn’t tell ANYONE for awhile cause I was afraid of not getting support, I was afraid people wouldn’t protect me or be on my side. I guess I shot myself in the foot regarding that. This girl that assaulted me started dating my best friend that was a guy. I was pissed and this is what made my uncomfortableness more apparent. I’d think “why should she be happy” “why should she get this good guy that has always been there for me, after what she has done” ..... but again I victim blamed myself and stayed shut up. Finally one day my now fiancé (the one person I told) pointed out what I was doing, and where she was wrong. He reminded me assault is assault no matter the gender or apparent friendship.... I stopped hanging out with this person....... eventually she and her boy friend. My two ex best friends moved in with my brother. My family still had no idea what she had done... Eventually one night I told my mom. I tried to not sound “weak.” I tried to be “strong” by brushing it off and acting like it wasn’t a big deal. Begging my parents not to hate my assaulter because “why ruin her life after all this time” Everyone told me to tell my brother.... everyone. I refused. For a long time I kept it to myself. Mostly because I was terrified my brother would take my assaulter’s side.. mostly afraid that I’d tell him and he wouldn’t care. Months past and angry texts were sent. Everyone that knew BEGGED me to tell him. So I did. I explained it in a way that just gave excuses as to why I don’t come over. And that I can’t be around her. I didn’t tell him not to hang out with this person, he lived with her. I cried but I said I just wanted him to know.. .... I missed my brother... I missed my friends. They’d get together EVERY Sunday. There’d be parties all the time that we’re awkward and painful to attend or not attend. So I decided, “wouldn’t it be better to be friends” I decided I’ll be the “bigger person” and try to move past the assault. So I talked to her. I said we could be friendly. We reminisced about old times and high school and of course I FUCKING MISSED that friendship. I never said I forgave her.. but I wanted things to just BE OKAY.. I’ll tell you something, when someone has assaulted you there is no just “being okay” they’ve taken something they shouldn’t without your permission... and there’s no getting it back... I finally realized this on a night I was at my brothers. I got drunk with her and called my boy friend (now fiancé asking him to pick me up) he was MAJORLY concerned I was with my assaulter, drunk again... he told me to get away from her so that I’m safe.... She took the phone from me and cussed my boy friend out saying she never “raped me”.... She didn’t rape me because she didn’t get the chance. But the assault did happen.. I realized then that she wasn’t remorseful. She, like me, wanted the friendship back. But she had not acknowledged what she had done. The friendship died the night she forced herself on me.... I defriended her and haven’t spoken to her since. She is at my brothers events. She hosts parties with him. But as everyone reassured me “it’s okay cause they are moving” everyone is apparently happy they are moving away and that THEN I can start going to these events..... until then I sit at home during these events knowing that they are having fun with my assaulter and I miss out. At the chance of sounding like my 8 year old “ It’s not fair” I realized I still never gave my side of the story to my ex male friend. Her boy friend. They were moving states away together and I really never told him what she did.... he was already moved, and I felt comfortable in calling knowing she wouldn’t be there. so I called him. I called him and told him and honestly I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, I know he would have had another version of the story in his head, but I can say what I wasn’t expecting... He told me that he was sorry about what happened to me. But that wouldn’t change how he treated her. That he knows what she did was wrong but that it was his job to make her feel better about her guilt.... this didn’t sit right to me. This was a guy that used to care what happened to me. I figured he would at least care that his girl friend has sexually assaulted not just me but ANYONE... and he wasn’t denying that she did it. He already knew she did it... so I asked him a question I didn’t even consider before. I asked “Have you ever sexually assaulted someone?” He was quiet for awhile until I repeated the question and that’s when he confirmed the answer yes. The conversation ended there. I cried the rest of the night. I felt betrayed. He didn’t assault me I don’t know who or how or why or when... but that this man that I had trusted is a sexual assaulter, and because he shares this shame with MY assaulter... they’re going to live their lives comforting each other. Telling each other “it’s okay” WELL AS A VICTIM. I WANT TO SAY. IT IS NOT OKAY. IT IS NOT OKAY. IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY. And as long as cowards support each other and keep their secrets that they have taken away someone’s safety and security and trust in friends IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY..... Anyway that’s my story. I’m done protecting them. I’m done telling friends and family it’s alright if they want to be friends. I’m done keeping the secret to protect their lives. I was annoyed looking at the me too movement and seeing the same people that condemn the celebrity assaulters hang out with my assaulter... and then realized, we’ll not all of them know. And the ones that do I paved the way for them to feel like they could. I didn’t want to “make waves” I’m done with that. VICKIE AND PATRICK ARE SEXUAL ASSAULTERS AND ITS FUCKING TIME YOU ALL KNOW.

Snow day!!

Both Josh and I have the day off (well he has to work from home)

But we’ve cozy in our PJs enjoying the beautiful frosting.

Got a Laptop

So I guess it’s back to tumblr! 

If anyone still follows me haha or is still on here.

I’m trying to reconnect with some people. Figured social media is the first step. Next will be the actual human interaction! 

If friends are on here and read this.. hit me up!