It’s been a while since I posted on here. Things are going okay and I am really proud of myself for how I’ve coped with recent challenges and work stress. DBT is going well in the sense that I am using the skills more but also hard in that it doesn’t feel like much has changed emotionally and every day is still a struggle. But I’ve stayed out of hospital and with the help of my therapist, I’m slowly moving forwards in my recovery. I’ve been pretty much eating intuitively and even though I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, I am learning to feel comfortable in a bigger body and losing the food freedom and newfound energy is not worth losing weight. I hope everyone is well. For those of you who know from my old blog, I think Katie from a few years ago would be proud of how far I’ve come. Things can get better ❤️
“why are you reading/watching/listening to the same thing again, you’ve already seen it before”
also
Me when there's Too Much™ happening
I like the idea of fashion, but clothing? My autism says no.
Concept: Although people with BPD struggle with intense emotions, I am in some ways okay with that. I get to love things and people more passionately than most can. We may have really low lows, but no one can take away how passionate and caring we really are. Sometimes love can balance out the pain.
I’m having a hard day. Woke up late and had to leg it to work in a massive panic. Dragged myself through a long shift on the verge of tears. Cried down the phone to my CareCo about how things might seem okay on the surface but inside is a different story and I am so done with BPD, I hate being like this. Like I’m using skills but it doesn’t always work and it’s not a fix all solution. It’s about managing the symptoms which just sucks. I have really strong sh urges right now but I’m going to get home, have dinner and spend time self soothing with Lucky and a film. I know that ultimately I have to radically accept that this is the way things are right now and fighting reality is taking up energy I don’t have.
This was just posted in my DBT group, and I had to share it here because it just opened my eyes to all the maladaptive coping skills that I have been employing over the past month. Namely: wishful thinking, minimization, passive withdrawal, denial, defiance. I say this isn’t hurting me but the truth is that yes, this is hurting me and I know it I just don’t want to admit it because I like the feeling. Maybe like is a strong word. I’m comforted by the feeling. It’s familiar.
I need to choose more skillful behaviour: finding acceptance, staying in the moment, getting enough sleep, eating nourishing food, set priorities, consider your values.
I’m going to stay stuck unless I get up and start walking out of this rut.
Figuring out Opposite Actions
Sometimes it’s hard to figure out your initial emotion that you know you need to act opposite to, and once you do, it’s still hard to figure out how to act opposite. This post will deal with common emotions and how to act opposite to them.
1. Fear: Fear fits the facts when there is a threat to your or someone else’s life, health, or well-being. However, when it doesn’t fit the facts, it’s important to act opposite and do what you are afraid of doing over and over again. Seek out opportunities to act opposite to your fear. Keep your eyes open, take in information, breathe deeply, and keep a confident posture and tone.
2. Anger: Anger fits the facts when a desired goal is blocked, you or someone are attacked, hurt, insulted, or threatened. When it doesn’t fit the facts, opposite action would be to avoid the person making you angry, take a time out, do something nice, imagine empathy for the other person, keep your body from being tense, and breathe deeply.
3. Disgust: Disgust fits the facts when you are in contact with something contaminating, someone you don’t like is touching you or someone you care about, you are around a person or group whose behavior could be damaging. Opposite action to disgust is to move close to the disgusting thing, be kind to those you find disgusting, imagine empathy for the person or group you find disgusting, take in what feels repulsive instead of tuning it out, and keep your body relaxed. Also, distract from disgusting thoughts and refocus on sensations.
4. Envy: Envy fits the facts when another person has what you don’t have or has something you need. When envy doesn’t fit the facts, acting opposite involves not destroying what the other person has, counting your blessings, stop exaggerating what others have, keep your body from being tense, and breathing deeply.
5. Jealousy: Jealousy fits the facts when something in your life that is very important to you has the danger of being taken away. When jealousy doesn’t fit the facts, acting opposite involves sharing what you do have, letting go of others’ controlling actions, stop snooping/spying, don’t avoid, keepy a relaxed posture, and breathing deeply.
6. Shame: Shame fits the facts when you will be rejected by a person you care about if something about yourself, like a behavior, is made public. Opposite action when your behavior doesn’t violate your morals is to make your behavior public with people who won’t reject you, engage in the behavior in public repeatedly, don’t apologize, and keep body posture proud and innocent. Opposite action for shame when your behavior does violate your own morals is the apologize publicly, repair and make things better, don’t use the behavior in the future, and accept the consequences. The final way to act opposite action to shame is to forgive yourself, acknowledge the causes of your behavior, and let it go.
7. Guilt: Guilt fits the facts when your behavior violates your own morals. Opposite action with guilt is not justified and you will not be rejected if found out are to tell people who won’t reject you, engage in the behavior publicly over and over Don’t apologize, keep a proud and innocent body posture. Opposite action for guilt that will lead to you being rejected if found out is to hide or use skillful means to stay in your group, join a new group that fits your values, and do what makes you feel guilty over and over in your new group. Validate yourself and recognize why you feel guilty. This of course does not apply to dangerous behaviors.
officially diagnosed with bed too cozy disease
This is my absolutely gorgeous girl Lucky 💜
Update in case anybody was wondering…
- Got nearly all of my uni offers
- Adopted an adorable rescue cat called Lucky
- Making progress with DBT although it’s still really hard
- I’m working part time in retail which is stressful but it’s good to have income and routine again
- I’m starting to explore my autism diagnosis a bit more which has been very helpful. I finally feel like I’m starting to understand more about myself and finding new ways to manage day to day stuff
"I hope this email finds you well!"
How the email finds me:
this is the recovery bee popping in, gently booping your nose and landing on your shoulder to remind you that things will be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. you’re loved, you’re worthy and you’re important.
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