*ascending slide whistle*

*descending slide whistle*

*several xylophone notes*

*wet “splat” noise*

“There!”

звуки секса с моей неудачной женой

THIS!!

THIS IS AN AMAZING WAY TO THINK OF CHRONIC PAIN

I wanted to point out that Nurse Hadley, the woman in this video, is a hospice nurse. This is what people say to and about patients who don't have long left to live. The fear of addiction and dependence on pain medication is so strong that people deny their literally dying family members proper pain management. You're never going to please the "but what about addiction" people, ignore them and take the meds you need to function.

hey everybody my cat wants me to tell you all that she's starving and has never eaten before ever in her life, and despite this I'm refusing to feed her for no reason other than that I'm the worst meanest owner ever. plus I deserve to go to hell and also to jail. she wanted to make sure you're all aware who you're supporting this by following me.

I’m in a pretty terrible mood. Tell me some funny stories, you guys!

Another story, same restaurant.  Most of the time, I wasn’t actually a server, I was the dishwasher (which for those of you who have never worked in a full service restaurant, means that I was the dishwasher, busboy, prep cook, fill-in line cook, bar back, janitor, and once, I shit you not, electrician).

My best friend at the time was working with me, and we were they type who could finish each other’s sentences, and we enjoyed messing with everyone’s heads by carrying on conversations while we were not in the same place.  Like, I’d be at the sink, he’d be bussing tables, and we’d just carry on our half of the conversation, pausing to fill in the gaps where the other would respond… and then turn around and reply to a response that we could not, in fact, hear, but knew what would be said.  One waitress actually hung by the kitchen door to verify that we were, in fact, having one conversation.  We were known as Thing 1 and Thing 2. 

This particular story takes place during a music festival where they blocked off a huge part of downtown and put literal concert stages in the street.  We were expecting a really busy night, and had a full staff… and of course, nobody showed up.  They start sending people home, including me.

I decide not to go straight home… I futz around for a bit, and realise that hey, I’m kinda hungry, and I don’t actually have much food at home, nor a whole lot of money. But if I go back to work, I can order something and charge it against my next cheque. 

Meanwhile, back at work, the entire city of Birmingham has showed up at the same time.  They’re slammed, and regretting sending people home.  The manager tried calling me, but I wasn’t home.  So he turns to Thing 2 and says “Hey, can’t reach Thing 1 at home.  Do you know how to get hold of him?”

Now, Thing 2 is kind of irritated at being asked how to contact a person who isn’t home in the days before cellphones, so in complete sarcasm, he puts his fingers to his temples, acts like he’s sending a telepathic transmission, and says “He’ll be here in five minutes.”  The manager takes it as the sarcasm it was intended to be… for exactly four minutes and forty-five seconds, when I walk in the door.  I could see from a block away that the place was slammed, and I don’t even need to be told that I’m going Back to Work.

The hostess just dropped her jaw and was like “HOLY SHIT HE REALLY DID IT.”  It’s not hard to guess reasonably close to what happened, so I just keep a straight face and say “Yep.” and walk back and get to work. 

god forbid 5000 year old girls do anything

potatoes and molasses season

Hotel Transylvania

im sorry the what

this one

the current meme is based on the following which is based on that one

which i assume is from tumblr based on how one of the panels is lifted from that "its ok i am a lesbo" picture

So the timeline is

- I am lesbo

- I'm stuff

- i am lesbo x I'm stuff fusion

- transfem Jonathan and transmasc mavis

as far as anyone can tell this is the original “I am a lesbo” image, for the record

I'm sobbing oh my god

I heard...now don't shoot the messenger but this is the og I am gay tho

Why the fuck is it woody and bolt

WHY THE FUCK IS IT WOODY AND BOLT

Wait why does Dracula refer Joanne as *his* daughter?

if your child marries someone, that partner becomes your daughter-in-law or son-in-law. 

There is

So much going on here

This is like an archeological dig site but the philosophers are still alive and talking

@hellsite-hall-of-fame

me when i'm happy: i deserve a little treat

me when i'm sad: fuck it i deserve a little treat

me when i'm neutral: you know what'd make this day so much better........a lil treat

"nothing is real atoms never touch each other youve never touched anything in your life" ok. well when i pet my dog he is soft and when he licks my hand it is wet and that is far more real to me than whatevers going on at an atomic level

you WISH you were eating sweet mulberries from a stranger’s overgrown tree at twilight in a silent neighborhood

Ask not for whom the gurdy hurds. It hurds for thee.

"You can't be a lurker on tumblr." Yes, you absolutely can. I've been quietly reblogging things since 2014 and I haven't interacted with anyone in years.

Certain words can change your brain forever and ever so you do have to be very careful about it.

hey. don’t cry. crush two cloves of garlic into a pot with a dollop of olive oil and stir until golden then add one can of crushed tomatoes a bit of balsamic vinegar half a tablespoon of brown sugar half a cup of grated parmesan cheese and stir for a few minutes adding a handful of fresh spinach until wilted and mix in pasta of your choice ok?

PEACE AND LOVE!!!!!!!!

everyone avert your eyes [expresses a standard human emotion] [illogically experiences shame even with only myself as witness]

i am begging this brown bear sanctuary to rethink their phrasing

outta my way, straight boy