anon / anon / @mountainqoats / bygones, Keaton Henson / Invitation, Mary Oliver / better in the morning, birdtalker /

healing involves a lot more grieving than you’d expect. progress hurts. you’re moving on from things that happened but also things you wished would happen and never did. mourning does not mean you are not getting better.

Feeling a little overly perceived by Dr. Dodson right now, not gonna lie.

I'll throw a transcript under the cut, but both reading the transcript and listening to the video can be difficult as it's quite long, so here's some highlights. As always, these are the opinions of a specialist but only one specialist, so take with a grain of salt, and if you have research to add to this, please feel free to comment or reblog with it. I believe this presentation is from sometime in 2022.

Anyway, here's the transcript of the first half. I did this by copying and cleaning up the auto-transcript on YouTube, but I stopped at Question Time, so this is only the first half (the presentation). Transcription of the second half is available at YouTube.

shoutout to slow growers, late bloomers, people whose plans got derailed by circumstances beyond their control or their own choices, people who never had a plan to begin with, people who have had to start over when theyre too old to feel like theyre supposed to be where they are, people who cant pretend theyre built for the environment theyre in, and everyone who's not living the life they thought they would. im proud of you for making it this far and i hope you keep going until youre happy ♡

every time i ask people if they do any new years resolutions its all ooooo i dont like making them bc i fail or ohhhhh no i couldnt keep up wiht that and then when they ask me and i tell them about Pasta Quest (i am eating as many different pasta shapes as possible in the space of a year) or when i did Fruit Adventures (every time i saw a fruit i had never eaten before id get one and eat it and read the wikipedia article about it) theyre like hang on i forgot you can make Fun Ones i want a fun one

Your challenge this year: Make a FUN resolution!!

“stop traumadumping to your friends tell this to your therapist” my god they paywalled human connection

“If a friend of mine gave a feast, and did not invite me to it, I should not mind a bit. but if a friend of mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me to share it, I should feel it most bitterly. If he shut the doors of the house of mourning against me, I would move back again and again and beg to be admitted so that I might share in what I was entitled to share. If he thought me unworthy, unfit to weep with him, I should feel it as the most poignant humiliation.”

Oscar Wilde

Okay, yes! But also:

If you cannot handle hearing about your friend's trauma, it does not make you a bad friend.

One of my triggers is problems with insurance. My roommate frequently has problems with her insurance. I finally, apologetically, asked her not to tell me about them because it was making me unbearably anxious. She kindly agreed, and now when she needs to vent about her insurance, she does it to another one of our friends while I'm not in the room.

And that's just a minor trigger. Hearing about someone else's actual trauma can traumatize the hearer. Sometimes therapists get traumatized from listening to their patients. Not being able to handle someone else trauma-dumping on you, or talking to you about something that triggers you - or just being constantly pessimistic about everything! - is totally valid and a thing that happens. It's not your fault, and it's not theirs.

If someone else's trauma or troubles are too much for you emotionally/psychologically, That's fine!!!! But also, it is on you to (kindly) state that to the friend and request that a particular topic or kind of conversation be off the table. It wasn't your friend's obligation to read your mind about it, and it's also not your obligation to listen to something that is seriously upsetting to you.

(Also, if you have genuine trauma, please do go see a therapist if possible.)

getting older can be so amazing? you get more familiar with yourself. learn tips & tricks for troubleshooting your own brain. trial & error helps you build routines that minimize discomfort, maximize reward. your preferences/interests don't get set in stone, but you do find out which ones are going to stay with you in the long-term, and which ones are fun but transient joys to appreciate in the moment.

you learn that the world is so much more complex than you were taught, and that that's okay, and that there's an endless supply of things you can learn or watch or experience or think about if you want to. if you're lucky, you loosen up, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. if you're lucky, you learn to recognize that negative inner voice, and whack it with a baseball bat until it hushes up. if you're lucky, you learn to treat yourself gently, not because you are fragile but because you are worthy of gentleness. (i hope you are lucky.)

and some things will change. some things will get better. some things will get good. and maybe you start to recover from the dehumanizing stress of childhood/education. maybe you learn the power of your own autonomy. maybe you learn how to walk away from bad situations (which is a superpower even if you don't realize it yet). and you get to choose your own clothes. and your own food. and which relationships to pursue! and what you do with your free time. and with your life (but don't worry you get to choose that gradually). and that's crazy! and sometimes scary. and extraordinarily, indescribably precious.

bitches needed to hear this huh ♥ (you're bitches)

i am no longer available for things that make me feel like shit

beep beep sometimes when you have been in survival mode for a long time the parts of you dedicated to Wanting Things atrophy and you forget how to envision a future that feels rewarding because you are busy with the business of staying alive, and it can seem like your life must be pointless because you can’t imagine any long term goals. sometimes even when you leave survival mode you can’t remember how to Want Things. that doesn’t mean you need to give up on having a good and fulfilling life, it just means that Wanting Things is a muscle you need to gradually strengthen. the part of you that has dreams and aspirations is still there, it just fell asleep, but if you wiggle it enough it can and will regain feeling. it’s okay to start small

#okay but how

I’m going to speak on this even though I’m not OP because survival mode stripped me of everything “non-essential” and I’ve put in a lot of work, so here’s what I got:

You probably know people who have desires and plans. Buddy system the fuck out of those relationships. Ask about their gardens, projects, and the new recipes they are trying out. If they are thinking about painting a room, volunteer to help them. Go to the hardware store, let them talk about this and that shade. While you are preparing the room to be painted, think about how the new paint color will look in the morning sun, or at sunset. 

Go to places where others have invested and planned. Community gardens that need watering volunteers. Neighborhood associations looking to fill potholes. Pet rescue centers that need blankets washed. Libraries looking for bodies to hand out summer reading rewards and T-Shirts. Hang out there, watch people care. Maybe lend a hand if you are able.

Allow yourself to be curious. Curiosity is the spark that leads to investment, and planning, and passion. “I wonder what hyenas sounds like” - “Huh, has anyone ever used hyena noises in music?” - “How does a person go about doing that?” - “Could I do that?” It is okay if the curiosity is easily satisfied. You are encouraging yourself to be interested, I promise that eventually you’ll hit on things that then interest you.

Buy candy bars in flavors you haven’t tried and are dubious about. Chips with unholy flavor combos. If it is tasty, share it with a friend. If it is awful, share it with a friend. Put sesame oil in milk to taste, like I did two weeks ago. Because I was curious, because it sounded disgusting but what if it wasn’t, because my friend laughed when I said I would. 

I keep a journal, more of a bulleted list collection. At the end of every day I write down things that I liked, or things I accomplished, or a simple pleasant moment. On my worst days I usually can still find something. Often it is “saw a bird” or “tea”. Just to write down anything, anything other than “survived”. I saw a bird today, so there must be something more to life, maybe.

"or monsterfucker w/ her mom later" WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY I SWEAR TO GOF

There are 50K notes on this post and every variation of this response makes me very proud of myself as a writer.

My dad and I once had a disagreement over him using the adage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I said, "That's just not true. Sometimes what doesn't kill you leaves you brittle and injured or traumatized."

He stopped and thought about that for a while. He came back later, and said, "It's like wood glue."

He pointed to my bookshelf, which he helped me salvage a while ago. He said, "Do you remember how I explained that, once we used the wood glue on them, the shelves would actually be stronger than they were before they broke?"

I did.

"But before we used the wood glue, those shelves were broken. They couldn't hold up shit. If you had put books on them, they would have collapsed. And that wood glue had to set awhile. If we put anything on them too early, they would have collapsed just the same as if we'd never fixed them at all. You've got to give these things time to set."

It sounded like a pretty good metaphor to me, but one thing I did pick up on was that whatever broke those shelves, that's not the thing that made them stronger. That just broke them. It was being fixed that made them stronger. It was the glue.

So my dad and I agreed, what doesn't kill you doesn't actually make you stronger, but healing does. And if you feel like healing hasn't made you stronger than you were before, you're probably not done healing. You've got to give these things time to set.

Did anyone else's family do this thing where they just had to come up with some sort of way to disagree with you, no matter how far out of their way they'd have to go in order to find some sort of an angle in which you are wrong? And then they'd act like you are being the unreasonable one for being annoyed about them doing that, insisting that whatever wild conspiracy fanfiction they just came up with about the situation in which you were an eyewtiness and they were literally not there is just as plausible as your account on it.

Like you could go "I saw a woman kick a stranger's dog at the train station completely unprompted today. That was unsettling and I think that was a fucked up thing to do."

And your family would go "well how do you know that they were strangers? Or that the kick was unprompted? What if they know each other and three weeks ago the woman saw this dog writing a post on facebook about how the dog thinks that the armenian genocide was entirely justified, and she was completely right to kick the dog?"

And you are the unreasonable one "refusing to see the whole picture" like your subjective opinion about something that you were literally there to see is only barely as valid as whatever they just pulled out of their ass.

Yes.

My family did this thing where whenever i was factually wrong about something they would MAKE FUN OF ME (my brother was the worst) and made me feel terrible. So now I have a phobia of EVER BEING WRONG. If I tell somebody a fact and then realize later it was incorrect I get SUPER anxious.

Hey, you are not an embarrassment for not knowing how to do certain household chores/basic self-care. They do not come naturally to us. A lot of it takes practice! Maybe you had a neglectful guardian. Maybe you had one that was very coddling and never thought to teach you. Maybe you haven't lived in a place where these things were available to you or needed. Doesn't matter. It's okay to not know and far more common than you might realise.

That said, this website provides very simple instructions on how to do everyday tasks such as making your bed, using a washing machine, cooking different foods, washing dishes, taking a shower, etc. All you have to do is use the search bar to find the task you're struggling with, and it'll come up with what you need + other related how-to's:)

If you're having trouble navigating it, let me provide you with some examples:

It's also perfectly okay if these don't help or aren't appealing to you. Unfortunately, nothing helps everyone.

The Best News of Last Week

🌍🌡️ - Climate Prophecy: The Forecast Is 100% Chance of 'Cool'

1. No cases of cancer caused by HPV in Norwegian 25-year olds, the first cohort to be mass vaccinated for HPV

Last year there were zero cases of cervical cancer in the population that was vaccinated in 2009 against the HPV virus, which can cause the cancer in women. The HPV virus is extremely common, basically everyone comes into contact with one version or another of the virus in their lifetime.

The vaccine was given to girls only out of an abundance of caution, they were the most likely to contract cancer from the viruses, and because there was limited supply.

2. ‘Every square inch is covered in life’: the ageing oil rigs that became marine oases

Built decades ago, California’s offshore oil platforms are home to a huge diversity of marine life. According to a 2014 study, the rigs were some of the most “productive” ocean habitats in the world, a term that refers to biomass – or number of fish and other creatures and how much space they take up – per unit area.

3. Vaccinations may have prevented almost 20 million COVID-19 deaths worldwide

Vaccinations estimated to have averted 19.8 million COVID-19 deaths worldwide in their first year, according to the latest Imperial modelling study.

In the first year of the vaccination programme, 19.8 million out of a potential 31.4 million COVID-19 deaths were prevented worldwide according to estimates based on excess deaths from 185 countries and territories.

4. Global climate policy forecast predicts ‘well below 2°C’ Paris Agreement climate goals will be met

They report only a 10% probability we exceed 2°C by 2050. Temperatures are expected to peak between 1.7°C and 1.8°C, which is consistent with the “well below 2°C” objective of the Paris Agreement in Art. 2.1c.

5. Young driver fatality rates have fallen sharply in the US, helped by education, technology

Crash and fatality rates among drivers under 21 have fallen dramatically in the U.S. during the past 20 years.

Using data from 2002-2021, the report says that fatal crashes involving a young driver fell by 38%, while deaths of young drivers dropped even more, by about 45%.

6. A Virginia woman was feeling sad. Her doctor prescribed her a cat.

7. Remote workers report saving $5,000 to $10,000 a year

What value would American workers place on the privilege to work from home?

In a 2022 survey by FlexJobs, 45% of remote workers reported saving at least $5,000 a year. One in 5 reported saving $10,000 a year. The savings average out to about $6,000 a year. The poll reached 4,000 workers in July and August of last year.

Three years into the remote-work revolution, research increasingly suggests that telework is a commodity, a job descriptor worth thousands of dollars in potential savings and improved quality of life.

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That's it for this week :)

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I’ve been thinking about this daily since it crossed my dash

little mans is 100% correct.

I'm gonna put I AM BRAVE OF THIS MEETING on my cubicle wall at work and never explain it.

Think about the donuts of your day!