thefemalewarhol

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thefemalewarhol  

Working on your mindset is important, but recovering fully also includes having access to resources like a safe environment, loving relationships, money, therapy, medical treatment and time. And there's no shame in not being able to think yourself to recovery without receiving all of the above.

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Sometimes you just have to say ‘okay brain, that’s enough’

Ain’t nothing cute about hating on another persons come up. Sit the fuck down and take notes

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hlep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you ask for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hlep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hlep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it helps reinforce the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hleper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Rest if you need to! Stay aware of what time it is. If you’re staying up late, it might be time to head to bed! A good night’s sleep is important to your mental and physical health. :)

Art by 1-newstart

You don't owe other people a coming out. There are a lot of very good reasons to choose to come out, but feeling obligated shouldn't be one of them.

Never give up. You deserve better.

Sending you all the love in the world right now 💞

Daylight Illustrations