would you free this beast knowing it could cost your life?

She’s too good at this

FedEx: shits on my box, stomps on my box, kicks it, dumps gasoline on it, throws one of my chickens into the back of the van UPS: whispers at my front door “is anyone home” as quietly as possible before leaving a “we missed you!” note, tries to gaslight me into thinking my address doesn’t exist USPS: sets my package down gently where it’s not visible from the road, knocks on the door and kisses me directly on the mouth

Is this…shipping discourse?

Amazon once threw a package at my door and then took a photo while it was midair. Not sure where that fits in this schema but I did want to tell y’all about it.

“Please don’t tell mom”🔊🎤sound on

Source

$6 SRIMP SPECIAL

Jfc

The choice of music was all but inevitable.

“ yOu wAnt a PieCE of ME?” “YES!” *bites a bitch*

Elmo commits murder

Elmo off the shits

guy who installs an adblocker and forgets about it and lives in a beautiful world where online ads have become much less frequent

lalala world so beautiful advertisements so extinct (opens website on mobile)AAAAAH!!!!!!! OH GOD MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!

[seductively takes off glasses]

wow you’re fucking blurry

I love tumblr bc i can be so pathetic and annoying on here and it’s fine

ilove homosexuals i  love bisexuals  i love trans !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yayy ayyayy ayy Weare all sooo ocool

your silence on fresh basil pesto is deafening.

old guys say the coolest shit like “boy if I have another one of these peanut butter cookies theyre gonna have to lock me up and throw away the key”

i asked my dad to make me a hot chocolate and he’s literally sawing something in the kitchen rn

i think killing an elderly fruit tree should be some sort of religious crime

why is the most relatable teenager in this book the alien

This is literally how I make conversation