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since the 'do not reblog this reblogged post' is dead. feel free to reblog from this acct. who cares anymore! run on a queue.

in recent years, there's been a push in therapeutic circles to shift the language from "attention-seeking" to "connection-seeking" behavior.

i was an attention-seeker. i was the textbook example of an attention-seeker. i was a troublemaker. i would self-harm. i destroyed my own relationships. i was uncontrolled, dramatic, sensitive. i took everything personally. i had "nothing" to be depressed "about," but made a big show of how sad i was nonetheless. i was really unsafe about myself in a lot of ways.

the strange thing about that is: it meant others could ignore me. the prevailing wisdom behind knowing something is "attention seeking" is to say: well, since you want it that bad, you're not getting any. it meant i was lower-on-the-list of concern. it meant an eye-roll.

the belief was that: since i was obviously doing these things on purpose, it would be bad behavioral training if i was "rewarded" for it. it would "teach me" that i simply had to make enough fuss, and i'd finally get all that missing attention and love. no, it was better to ignore that stuff.

i was suffering. and it felt like - oh, it doesn't matter how loudly i am in pain, nobody gives a shit about if i'm living or dying.

awhile ago, i went through my journals from that time. a lot of them read the same thing. in them, i am convinced i am invisible. that nobody wants to hear me, to see me. that i could die or vanish and nobody would even notice. i didn't even want attention - not really - because it was always dismissive, mocking. nothing i ever did would be good enough to get someone to actually-worry about me.

that's a terrifying thing for me to read as an adult. that is a child who fully has no problem committing. that is a child who has no concept of feeling loved. the most basic human instinct is missing from her life.

i needed help. i didn't know how to ask for it. i was a kid. i was a kid in a bad home, and whenever i thought things couldn't get worse there - they almost always did.

and the ways i showed that - the ways i tried to deal with that - they made others dismiss me. i wasn't suffering prettily. after all, if i was really in trouble, why wouldn't i just march into the first counselor's office and ask someone to help me? i had the opportunities, right? what did i think would happen, exactly? that someone would finally stand up and do something? who even wants that kind of responsibility?

i heard connection-seeking for the first time about three months ago. my therapist mentioned it when we were talking about my history. it rang some kind of horrible bell, deep inside me. i don't know what she said in the rest of her sentence. i just started... crying.

"oh no", i said to her. "i think i just realized: i have no idea how to forgive them for minimizing the ways i was hurting."

how many other kids, though. how many other kids were out there drowning, snatching around for a lifevest, some kind of rope - how many were straight-up ignored.

how many of those kids aren't gonna get old.

new kinsey scale just dropped tag yourself

I used to be a 5 but now I’m a 3

[ Text ID: An image of a table with two columns. The headings are Rating & Description. The Ratings are from 0 to 6, with an X being the final Rating. The table rows are a gradient from Purple to Green, and the gradient transitions back to Purple. The final row is white. The table reads:

0: Exclusively coffee-drinker.

1: Predominantly coffee-drinker, only incidentally tea-drinker.

2: Predominantly coffee-drinker, but more than incidentally tea-drinker.

3. Equally coffee-drinker and tea-drinker.

4. Predominantly tea-drinker, but more than incidentally coffee-drinker.

5. Predominantly tea-drinker, only incidentally coffee-drinker.

6. Exclusively tea-drinker.

X. No coffee or tea.

/end Text I.D. ]

HOLY SHIT THE BAG TH SHAVE THE DISGUISE IS GONEvvvv????

YOU TELLING ME THIS WAS ALL FUCKING JIM MOSS I KNEW IT I TOLD YOU GUYS I SAID WHAT ABOUT JIM MOSS DIDNT I SAY IT DIDNT I????

NAH I MEAN THEY SHOWED THE HOUSE? THEY SHOWED THE NOHOBAL HOUSE IN THE END CREDITS SO IT MUST.

IT MUST ALL HAVE HAPPENED JIM MOSS JUST SHAVED BARRY’S FACE AND PROGRAMMED HIM TO BELIEVE SCRUFF IS RECOVERING ADDICT AND CLEAN SHAVEN IS DOWN FOR BUSINESS LISTEN :(