— things I told my friends

Cat snaps

O.O

HOW DOES OLIVER HAVE THUMBS

— J.T. Barnett

wish i was snuggling not struggling

Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: “Jim’s whore house. You got the dough, we got the hoe.”

Why does this not have any notes?

lol no “Nashville sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it. how may I help you?”

“Henderson’s Morgue, you stab em, we slab em, this is Eight Ball speaking.”

“Texas crematorium you kill ‘em we grill ‘em how can I direct your call?”

Pro tip: Don’t do this if you recently applied for a new job.

bolded. just in case.

i feel like that pro tip is told from experience

How to make succulent babies!

Step 1: Pick leaves Gently twist the leaf near the base, it should snap off the plant cleanly. Good cuttings will be slightly rounded at the ends, and have no ‘open’ wound:

Bad cuttings will not grow, you need to make sure the whole leaf comes off in one go. Bad leaves are jagged, torn, or cut:

Step 2: Lay all cuttings inside on a piece of cloth. I usually put a piece of old scrap material down on my desk and lie all the leaves out in rows. I try not to pile up the leaves, as this tends to promote rot. Do not water at all. AKA no misting the leaves, no watering the leaves, nothing. Everything the baby succulent needs to grow is stored in the mother leaf, watering may rot the leaf before the new plant is big enough to survive on its own! Make sure the leaves aren’t in direct sun, as they will wither before they form new plants. Filtered light from a window is strong enough!

Step 3: Waiting After about 4 weeks you will start to see the first signs of life. The leaf may send out roots first, it may start to grow with no roots. Both are okay! 

Step 4: Planting (Start watering once a week at this stage) After 6-8 weeks the baby succulents will be big enough to plant outside! I do this by placing the leaves on top of loose, sandy soil that has not been compacted. I do not bother burying the leaves, as it tends to do more harm than good (you may snap roots/damage new shoots in the process):

I place all the plants together, they don’t really seem to mind! These is how they look after about 10 weeks:

When the plants are big enough, the mother leaf will shrivel up and start to die off:

TADA! You’ve created baby succulents :)

I’m sorry, this is a very beautifully illustrated, informative plant post, but every time I read “Make succulent babies” I put the emphasis on the wrong part of the phrase and expect something.. very… different.

By January 1st, 2018, everyone born in 1999 or before will be an adult. In effect, there will be no more 90s kids.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

Depression is like a background app that drains your battery

The Post-Breakup Playlist

Thar stingray that killed Steve Irwin is probably dead now and got a hug from Steve himself in animal heaven because Steve’s a good guy like that

i thought steve irwin died from an alligator or crocodile or whatever the fuck the big lizard is

A scar covered heart that is now stronger than ever (via methed-up-samurai-is-a-ghost)

(via so-pale-girl)

The bigger your shoes the bigger your dick, the bigger your car the smaller your dick. No wonder people are so afraid of clowns.

My way of flirting is looking at the person I’m attracted to and hoping they’re braver than I am.

when you try and improve yourself but you’re still the same

would anyone like to idk.. treat me right