Pimp

I can’t believe that the two greatest party songs of all time (I Gotta Feeling and Party Rock Anthem) came out within two years of each other and mankind will never create a better party song

Some people have been defending various other party songs in the notes, and while I respect all of your opinions, the only song that can qualify as a POTENTIAL exception is Tik Tok by Ke$ha

What about Allstar, great for every occasion

All Star is, in my opinion, the Greatest Song of All Time™ and while it great for every occasion, the three above are the best suited for parties. Like rich chocolate is good for every dessert, but milk goes better with Oreos than more chocolate, ya know?

I was not ready for such an educated response but completely agree

I come prepared for this discourse

“Money won’t make you happy”

Yeah, financial stability is just horrible

If I had to see it, y’all have to see it too.

A few years back, I was a waitress at a breakfast diner. On the menus there are pictures of omelettes. The omelettes pictured are yellow.

It’s 11 at night, I get the last table before closing, and it’s a girl my age. She asks for tea and an egg white omelette. So I bring over her egg white omelette, and she starts screaming. Why? Because it’s not yellow like in the picture on the menu, it’s white, so something must be wrong. I explained that the yolk is what makes omelettes yellow, and she didn’t want egg yolks. She’s still mad, and yells again. And then realizes she could eat while she’s yelling, so she does, and I get to watch her chew with her mouth open while she rants about eggs. I’m exhausted and dying inside. She finally stops. I ask if she wants a refill of tea, and she says yes. She’s quiet for the rest of her meal, for which I am very grateful.

After she paid and left, I collected her receipt. On it, she wrote in all caps “I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW EGGS WORK BUT IT WAS YUMMY.” She left a $20 bill on the table as a tip. She also left some pills in a bag that my manager sent to the police, which were identified as some sort of amphetamine. 

Don’t do drugs kids, you’ll forget how eggs work.

HE RUINED MY DREAM JOURNAL!!!

Ｉ ｄｉｄ ｎＡＵＧＨＴｔ！ Ｍｉｓｔｅｒ Ｅｌｅｃｔｉｃ ｓｅｎｄ ｈｉｍ ｔｏ ｔｈｅ   ｐｒｉｎｃｉｐａｌ＇ｓ ｏｆｆｉｃｅ ａｎｄ ｈａｖｅ ｈｉｍ ＥＸｐｅｌＬｅｄ！

when u try ur best but u dont succeed 

You’ll never be this cool. Nibbler at Corgi Beach Day!

Invite them in

theyre vampires

so invite them in

Ant-man bathing in hot sauce for bonus damage (2019)

I hate that you don´t have to give extra content because everyone on the internet already knows what´s going on and why hot sauce would be considered “bonus damage”

if ur having a bad day, take this

(´ ｡•ω•｡)っ⌒♡｡

and this

(つ≧▽≦)つ〜♡

it’ll be ok! you can do this

(^人<)〜☆

i think the most wholesome prank i ever pulled was with a friend who had a polaroid camera and we were out one evening walking around the neighbourhood and this one neighbour had a garden gnome and we kidnapped him for the evening and took a bunch of polaroids of his wild night out: gnome on the swing set, gnome climbing a tree, gnome laying down next to an empty bottle of vodka, gnome just causing an absolute ruckus and then we took all the pictures and put them in a little see-through food storage bag to keep them dry and put them under the gnome who we left on the doorstep of the house we got him from 

anyway a few nights later we walked past again and wondered if the photos had been found and what the person must have thought and then we saw the gnome in pride of place balanced on the window ledge, and stuck to the inside of the window behind him were the polaroids with a sign saying “The Boy On Tour” 

lady maria: *lying in a chair “dead” in the astral clocktower* 

the good hunter: 

Old people can"t understand when younger people are willing to cut a whole relative off. They have lived their entire lives in guilt or based on some sense of loyalty to someone based on blood. People will abuse you betting on that fact, just because ya’ll are blood that means you have to accept it. No, you don’t.

Person: I know it’s hard because he’s your dad-

Me: It’s not

Person: But you love him deep down-

Me: I don’t