this is immensely funny to me

Dog people don’t quite understand that well-cared for indoor cats regularly live into their late teens, some into their 20s. Also cats don’t tend to show visible signs of aging like dogs do. A 10-15 year old medium/large breed dog is usually visibly old and often slowing. Cats at that age who have good genetics and have received good care look completely like their younger selves and still have play drives and energy and their personalities. Not my cat though. She’s only 5 and she’s looked like roadkill since birth. People often think she’s a senior cat because her body type is weird and she doesn’t groom herself. This is because she is just a little weirdo.

I love her so much but that just doesn’t negate the fact she looks like the Pet Sematary reanimated evil version of someone’s beloved pet. She looks like she’s decomposed just enough for her skin to start slipping. She has cat dandruff. She never cleans under her claws so they’re often black. Her face is crusty and she tries to kill you if you clean it. She’s just built DIFFERENT.

nope! here are her baby pictures (from 2017)

she went through an almost normal cat phase around 3 months of age but reverted back to being yucky

yes she is the toe biter and also the little cat that messes up all the pillows

This is my boy, who is nine, with his grampa, who was 19

I like how Al began with a short psa about how indoor cats age like fine wine, unlike dogs, who age like milk on a warm summer evening. But then decided to dunk on poor little Tommy for daring to have some personality

Tbh I got halfway through the post about cats aging gracefully and remembered my cat was the scruggliest being on earth and I didn’t have a leg to stand on.

shoutout to the guy in charge of the train station at my hometown, who doesn’t limit himself to announcing trains but also:

(tags via @savefrog)

despite what popular opinion may lead you to believe, some rocks actually do have scientifically-proven auras! Unfortunately, those rocks are uranium and the aura is cancer. 

PARENT BUS PARENT BUS

WHERE ARE THEY GOOOOOING

ON A FAMILY VACATIOOOOON

The last picture is, in fact, a duckling! The parents lost their baby and adopted an orphaned duckling and raised it.

FAMILY VACATION

this is a joke with no audience but I really wish there was a Wii U game that told you to look at the gamepad but then the gamepad just said "psyche" while simultaneously an enemy on the TV screen attacked you

u guys will watch anything wtf is wednesday

its tomorrow innit?

Kevin is the real villian in Home Alone

The movie establishes that the phone lines to the house are down, that’s also why nobody is able to call Kevin at home. The movie also establishes that all of his neighbors are out of town which is why he couldn’t borrow their phones. The movie ALSO BEGINS by introducing the main antagonist as a “police officer” which is why Kevin doesn’t trust the cops. I’m so tired of the ignorance. The slander.

FINALLY we’ve reached the time of year for home alone discourse

#he did what he needed to do to survive. then he did a bunch of other stuff he felt like doing (via @hotcrossedfangs) 

home alone is just die hard for kids

He also stole that toothbrush so was even more scared to call the police in case they arrest him for theft too

Kevin knew that ACAB ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Keep in mind that the robbers could have turned around and left at any time. Kevin set up the traps, but they didn’t have to walk into them. They could’ve left and robbed an easier house, but didn’t because they wanted to get the 8-year-old who was beating their asses. At some point, it stopped being about stealing the McCallisters’ stuff and started being about killing Kevin, at which point Kevin was justified in doing whatever the hell he wanted to them.

Plus if he just scared them away, they would have gone to rob his neighbors’ houses (if I remember correctly the neighbors were all gone except that old man who he couldn’t go to for help because he was convinced he was a serial killer)

Not if, he did scare them away, Kevin drove off the bandits through non violent means 3 times before he resorted to traps and Rube Goldberg shit, Kevin gave them 3 chances to walk away, after that it was fair game

Kevin McCallister gave them three chances like a fae giving a mortal three chances to survive. After that, those fuckers deserved every prank and act of terrorism they received from the eight-year-old menace.

"never trust how you feel abt ur life after 9pm" is a spring & summer & fall rule. for winter it's never trust how u feel abt ur life after 4pm

(via @arianwells )

I’m paying to force seven thousand strangers to see a photo of my late husband having fun with his dog. Tumblr Blaze is totally worth it. XD

Thank-you to all of my new Internet stranger friends for being so gracious about having my post shoved onto your dashboards. I loved reading all of your kind tags and comments! Both Martin and Bosco have been gone for several years now but for 24 hours, they felt very present in my life. I greatly appreciate this gift. ❤️

Reblog to have your dashboard be visited by the spirit of joy that death can end but not erase.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

My toxic trait is that I truly believe I could win a fight against anybody if I was mad enough. U might have the strength and size but I have pure, unfiltered rage.

me, reaching into my dresser drawer for black pants: I hope this isn’t the pair with big holes worn in the inner thighs

Marie Kondo, gently over my shoulder: why is a pair of pants you find unwearable still in your dresser drawer

me: oh shit that’s right!! The dresser is for clothes that under some circumstance I might conceivably wear!!

Marie Kondo, beaming proudly: Yes, that’s correct!! These pants must have been your favorites. How wonderful that they were so comfortable and practical that you wore them out. But now since they no longer function as pants, you should move them from the drawer where you keep your functioning pants!

me: Yes thanks I got it they’re in the fabric basket now

Marie Kondo, fading back into the darkness: I love what you’ve done with the kitchen!!

The notion of KonMari as some creepy semi-embodied but entirely benevolent spirit, like a well-intentioned Bloody Mary, is so perfect and wonderful.

Marie Kondo has the same powers but the exact opposite energy of the Duolingo Owl.

YES.

Marie Kondo: Your room isn’t very clean, but that’s okay, I love mess! Does this spark joy?

Duolingo Owl: I wrote the ransom note in Spanish, and if you have to use Google Translate to read it, your kid gets it. You broke your streak. I’ll break your neck.

Marie Kondo holding your child, while standing on the remains of the Duolingo Owl : The Bird did not spark joy

yall ever be losing your fucking mind but chilling at the same time

opposite of impostor syndrome where I do deceive my way into an industry and I enjoy it

>:)

He dropped a dime on his boy!

this site has one setting

I’m laughing, but there’s a super useful corollary, which my husband calls “the Red Balloon.” He was a defense lawyer and had a fair number of drug addicts come through, and there is a thing where if you’re like, on your first offense, they’ll do a thing where you can go to treatment and if you complete it they’ll take the conviction off your record.  And he would tell his clients, “Look, everyone’s going to tell you not to do drugs. They’re going to say it over and over again. And it’s like, if people tell you not to think of a white elephant, you’re going to think of a white elephant. But the trick to not thinking about a white elephant is to think of a red balloon. So you need to find your red balloon. For some people it’s yoga. For others it’s woodworking. For some people it’s scrapbooking or gardening or any of a long list of things to do. They focus on that, it’s a lot easier to succeed in ignoring the white elephant.” So yeah, “watch yourself” is one thing… but the better idea is to watch something else. (Even if it’s fanfic about werewolves fucking.)

It’s a form of productive dissociation, and is super, super helpful. It’s easy for me to get bogged down in how much pain I’m in… but some of the most painful periods of my life have also been the most productive, writing-wise, because writing is one of my red balloons. 

There is a phrase I use A LOT in my parenting and my son gets very sick of it, but it’s true:

The thing you practise is the thing you get good at.

You may not intentionally be practicing “being grumpy” but if you don’t put effort into practicing “not being grumpy” then I’m afraid that’s what you’re doing. It’s hard! It’s really hard! Sometimes, for some things, it’s pretty much impossible and that sucks!

But being carefully aware that you are going to get good at the things you do most of is a good way to be more careful of what those things are. If that makes sense.

You gotta appreciate sometimes how tumblr works in such a way that everyone who wants to reblog this interesting or useful psychological advice is also forced to reblog the thing about werewolf fucking

Because we want to feel better but also think fucking werewolves really might help.

have you considered werewolf fucking as an alternative to drugs