There’s something I want to talk about and I’m going to try to articulate it as well as possible.
Here’s the background of this post: I am not pro eating disorder. Mine formed when I was young, before I even knew it was an eating disorder. I didn’t know until I almost went inpatient.
It took me two years to consider myself fully recovered with some tiny relapses. This is my first huge relapse, where I’ve once again found myself underweight, in a very long time. I never wanted this.
So, being the type of blog I run, sometimes I see posts that are in the tune of “Imagine finally waking up, seeing your hip bones, feeling tiny, wearing cute clothes, and reaching your goal” and other’s that are like “The reality is you lose your hair, your motivation, your friends, everything. This isn’t glamorous.”
I want to offer my perspective. I genuinely believe eating disorders are a mix of both. I think all of those posts are so black and white. It’s either “You’ll finally be the fairy you want to be!” or “That’s false. You’ll be dying.”
You will be both. One day you’ll be who you wanted to be. One day you’ll lay in your bed and wonder if you even have the energy to get up.
Being that people with eating disorder’s usually think they look better thin, and I am also one of those people, I’ll say it. I’m capable of putting my outfits on and I can admit it’s much easier to get dressed. Sometimes, though, hours after thinking an outfit looks great, I’ll look in the mirror and think “Wait. I actually look fat. Oh my god. Oh my god. I’m so fat” but I can also sometimes acknowledge that yes. My clothes do look better. I do look better. I can make a tee and jeans fashionable in ways I couldn’t before. But I can also decide I can’t hours later.
I can wake up in the morning and feel the bruise on my knees from them hitting together. I’ve got knobby knees. I think “I’m tiny. This wouldn’t happen if I wasn’t.” I feel my laptop resting against my hip bones right now. It’s comforting. I stare at my wrist bones as I drive. I like it. I can wake up and feel good. I wake up and feel like a different person.
On the other hand, I can wake up and think “God, I feel so fat today. I must be retaining water, or maybe it’s when I overate 2 days ago, maybe it did make me gain weight. Oh my god, my stomach is so bloated. Oh my god, I look the same as I did 30 lbs ago. Oh my god.” and the entire day is bad. I’ll debate staying in.
Weighing in in the morning effects my entire day on both sides.
I’ve kept my friends. We go out often. When we take pictures and now, I think “Wow. I might be the skinny friend now.” but other angles I’ll think “I’m still fat.” Going out to eat is a nightmare. That social situation is ruined. But I still try to go and pick at something. It’s ruined certain situations for me but I’m not in my bed depressed 24/7
Boys do look at me differently. But it’s a mix of both. One boy didn’t notice me in class until I was skinny, at least as far as I know. Perhaps I’ve convinced myself of that. Another boy is overly concerned for me. I used to think he thought I was cute, but recent things make me think he feels sorry for me. It’s a mix of “I’m skinny and that’s why he likes me” and “I’m skinny and he thinks I’m weird.”
Lastly, once people start commenting, it never feels good. When I started losing again I was offended nobody noticed. Then they did and I regretted ever thinking I was upset nobody seemed to notice because “I must look the same then.” Now it’s a constant flow of people telling me to eat, asking what I’ve eaten. People have seen me and asked when the last time they saw me was, then I watched them mentally count. They mention how quickly I’ve managed to look like a different person. People ask how you did it and you want to die. You shrug it off with stress. People’s comments have never made me happy. They make me feel ugly. They make me feel like I look weird. They make me feel like a spectacle. Nobody is going to watch you drop excessive weight in one month and think you did well. Nobody is going to watch you drop excessive weight in one month and think it’s admirable, or you’re so pretty and tiny now. They’ll just be concerned and cautious.
This post is very long and I’m sorry if you’ve had to scroll past it and didn’t want to. But I wanted to in depth share my opinions on these posts. They’re all so black and white. The ones mentioning the good things get written off as promoting eating disorders. The ones mentioning the bad things are considered the only reality and what should be done. But eating disorders are a weird, sick, mix of both. I’m not even sad. My eating disorder is about control and an obsessive thing. I just wanted to share my opinion and my experience over the past what’s been years of my life now
And one last thing. It’s okay to have an eating disorder that’s not anorexia. Just because it’s the most acknowledged doesn’t mean it’s what you have.
