FM

so the thing about my family is that we have two ancestors on my dad’s side who were buried in france, where I currently live. one died in the spanish civil war, and one died prior doing…we don’t know what. but he somehow managed to get buried in père lachaise. 

so anyhow, my gran sends me a message like “pls put flowers on ur uncle samuel’s grave because he’s gone over a century with none and it will make the ghost mad if he hasn’t already” because my family spends time in europe but never long enough to go all the way to père lachaise and give ya boy samuel jr. his death rites. so im like “ok gran I can do that” bc im a good grandson and you do not fuck with gran she doesn’t DESERVE THAT 

i figure out which plot he’s on and ask someone specifically where you can find uncle samuel jr. and they tell me where and so I arrive at the junction and. 

HE GONE. 

WHERE DID YOU GO UNCLE SAMUEL. 

*celine dion’s smash hit “my heart will go on” playing in the distance* 

in other words either someone stole my entire great great uncle samuel or he has risen again, ready to party in paris for all of eternity. 

You’re pretty chill about a corpse disappearing.

My guy, my dude, he’s been dead since 1851. He could be anywhere. He does what he wants.

What a way to learn you have a Vampire in the family.

Uncle Samuel

He destroyed his grave

yes

YES

The uncle is out

fun fact: the reason that the plural of goose is geese but the plural of moose is not meese is because goose derives from an ancient germanic word undergoing strong declension, in the pattern of foot/feet and tooth/teeth, wherein oo is mutated to ee. however ‘moose’ is a native american word added to the english lexicon only ~400 years ago, and lacks the etymological reason to be pluralized in that way.

Oh baby.  Keep talking dirty to me.

Gnomes don’t have internet because if they did they’d send death threats to everyone they know and strangers as well

When I was a kid, I regularly lost reading privileges for "having an attitude" and "acting out".

It wasn't as simple as being told not to read during other activities- one of the first times it happened, I remember being six years old, watching my stepfather pull fistfuls of books off my bookshelf and throw them to the floor in a heaping mess while I cried and asked him to stop.

It was weird. Every other adult I knew described me as exceptionally well-behaved, but at home, it was the opposite, and it was blamed on "learning bad habits from that shit you're reading".

Because I couldn't read at home, I spent all my free time at school in the library, reading with my friends.

When I grew up and moved away, I realized that my family life was toxic and abusive, and the "attitudes" I was being punished for were standing up for myself, standing up for my younger siblings, and resisting actual, real-life psychological abuse. Because I'd learned from what I'd read that my family wasn't normal, not like my parents said it was, and in my stories, the heroes were the people who spoke out when it was hard to.

It is insane to me that there are students right now who can't access books. It is insane that books are being outlawed. It is perverse that we are stealing away an entire generation's ability to contextualize their lives, to learn about the world around them, to develop critical thinking skills and express themselves and feel connected to the world or escape from it, whatever and whenever and however they need.

That is not how you raise a compassionate, thoughtful, powerful society.

That's how you process cattle.

It's fucking disgusting.

Fb find.

you, reading this. you're a creature now. reblog to creature your followers

get creatured idiot

@danwylds PLEASE tell me what other businesses you think are made up I'm so curious

He has children in his basement

once in college my friend asked me to come along on a date she wasn’t comfortable with because she knew that I would step in and ruin the mood on purpose if she gave me the signal that she wanted out

I came along, it was awkward, she gave the signal, and I immediately dumped a glass of ice water over my head and said “oh no looks like you have to drive me home immediately to prevent hypothermia” but then she and her bad date thought this was so startling and funny that it broke the tension and got them talking. and then I had to sit around for the rest of their date dripping water and shivering because she decided she was enjoying herself.

i WILL make lump fish a Trendy Animal like axolotls and isopods. no one can stop me

So the Monterey Bay Aquarium has lump fish in their deep sea exhibit, right? And they’re lovely little fellas. So, I feel it’s very important to mention that of all the fish at said wonderful aquarium, the lump fish there were some of the most soulful creatures I’ve ever met.  They’d follow you in ways the other fish won’t, deeply cognizant of your presence, and seemingly happier for it. They are lovely creatures, and dear, dear friends.

The lumps stack!!

people on tumblr can never say “i have anxiety” it’s always gotta be some shit like “obbghhhg the scaryfulness persists”

I’ll never forget the time I was sitting with this guy, nice kid, didn’t know him well, I think we must have had a bottle of wine or some questionable hashish or something, and in response to an awkward silence I just started talking and ended up going on a long meandering rant about how ugly American robins are. I’m talking a full monologue. I had an intro and conclusion. It was pointlessly vehement. I have never been so mean or loquacious about anything in my life.

Consider my horror when this perfectly nice guy wordlessly lifted his shirt to reveal a full-torso prismacolor tattoo of his spiritual soul animal, the American robin.

Their scientific name sounds like "Migrating Turd" but otherwise I find them charming if fairly derpy and mundane. I don't know if I'd get a tattoo of one though. They're like the potato of American birds.

I have no actual animosity towards them. They’re fine. I like them. They remind me if my college roommate and beloved friend. I don’t know why I said any of that—I was grasping at straws for something kind of provocative to say and failed so catastrophically that I was catapulted into a Seinfeld skit.

eerily similar to the time in college someone tried to make conversation by making fun of a silly book a former high school teacher of theirs had written only for me to just pull out a physical copy of the exact book because i’d realized he was talking about my dad

the foot seeks the mouth like leaves seek the sun

also i got a tiny rubber baby for 95¢

my son

Mary Cooper is a bad parent.

She loves Sheldon, but virtually ignores her other two children.

While she allows for his idiosyncrasies, she does nothing at all to help him learn to function in real life. The boy has never experienced a consequence and allows him to become an ass to his friends.

Missy is right when she said that her mom always takes Sheldon's side.

Sheldon is allowed to run roughshod over everyone and everything. Not saying he needs a spanking or anything, but he needs consequences. Parents do not help their children by never telling them they are wrong or disciplining them in anyway.

There’s this thing I like to call social responsibility

It’s basically the ability to know when to apologize

I’m aware that Sheldon is autistic. (Even if they never say it) that doesn’t mean he gets a pass here.

One of the reasons why Young Sheldon is hindered by being a prequel series to BBT is because it limits Sheldon’s growth. He still has to a selfish little shot by the time BBT starts, so he can’t learn better here.

Instead the kid is taught that his emotions are the only ones that matter, and that everyone else exists to make him look better.

This is exactly right. I realize people with autism may have challenges in understanding other people's feelings. Hell, everyone does. But a parents job is to help their kids learn how to understand other people.

We really let those rich elites convince us golf is a sport. You let them get away with it too, you fucks.