“if you take medication for that, you’ll be taking medication all your life!!” yeah, and?? bud, i already put on my glasses every morning. it’s like. a condition of mine, not a side hobby i’m pursuing irresponsibly. 

I had a dream I saw you last night. We were on a train together, not speaking. Just sitting next to each other, our hands in our laps.

At the start of 2020, I had many dreams and goals and stupid ideas about things. I went back through all the pictures, watching the light in my eyes come back to rest. I find a note that I wrote myself - more friends! More YES!

You and I on the train don't speak. In a life before this, I would have been angry, maybe. Instead I am sad to my core about things. I try to shift people more tenderly these days. I actually turn out to be shit at setting boundaries, but I'm getting better about being open. About honesty.

I probably owe you an apology. I don't actually know if I do, or if you owe me one, or if it matters at all. There has been a lot of endings this year. I have killed about a third of what I planted. I have learned how to find the gentlest places. My new resolutions are simple and strange - to allow myself space. To take more joy in waiting. To share more moments. To hold nothing sacred except each other.

In my dream, the light shifts through the windows and the handles swing and neither of us are crying. In the real life, I keep getting messages from my students; thank-you notes because I actually treated them like people and told them to take my class less seriously than a pandemic. It feels sort of agonizing - I'm glad I could do something for them, but I don't understand how my bare minimum was more than the respect they're getting elsewhere.

I didn't pick up any hobbies. I haven't really been productive. I will be mad at myself about it, in due time - I am always historically mean to myself about terrible things. But right now I feel sort of at peace. I am just here for a ride, like you are, and the train is moving.

sometimes it’s like. i’m going back to my house. sometimes it’s “let’s go back to…” and you don’t know which word to use to sum up the building. sometimes you wake up to a text from your mother and have to shift all your plans to run home and sometimes you wake up and you are home. two nights ago i was confused about which bed i was still in. i sleep upside-down still, like i do at the house where my parents live. i don’t have as many nightmares as i once did. 

sometimes you’re in the car and you’re wondering - where the fuck am i going? what am i doing? why don’t i just go do anything else?

and sometimes you’re in the car and you’re wondering - how did i get so lucky? how is this real? am i grateful enough for all that has been done for me?

sometimes you type the text you shouldn’t send and you send it. and sometimes you don’t send it but you do have a full conversation with your dog about it. and sometimes you aren’t really sad yet but you can feel it percolating under the surface, hissing like it knows it will overcome you if you let it. and sometimes you aren’t really happy yet either but you get the same kind of something; a beautifully fine edge like the hair on the back of her neck. like if you reach out you could brush against a meadowed life. and sometimes quiet is just comfortable and sometimes it’s what isn’t being said and sometimes it’s a horrible exit. 

and you want to tell your past self - we made it out and we found a home! but you know she wouldn’t understand, because she doesn’t know what home is yet. and besides, you still say “im going home for the holidays”. you mess up and call the hotel home when you mean safe. sitting around a campfire, you find a warmth inside of their laughter, you mess up and call that feeling lovely when you mean belonging. 

and sometimes you’re like - wow! i’m really glad i’m alone for this. and sometimes it’s like. fuck thank god im not alone anymore. and you aren’t alone anymore. or if you are alone, you’re okay with it, because you are someone else now, and can be alone and happy about it. 

and sometimes it’s like. my childhood ended. i don’t know when. but i’m about to go close another part of it. i am aging, or i did age somewhere and forgot to notice it. the spoons are where we keep them, but the back of my hands have new scars and my sense of time is different.

i type - hi! i’m sorry to reschedule. i have to run home for a moment - and then go back and type i have to run to my parents’ house and then type i’ll be out of town. i don’t know where i am or where i’m going. i write home in the fog of my windowpane, and watch as snow starts falling.

Was anyone gonna tell me Vincent Martella, voice of Phineas Flynn on the Disney Channel original show Phineas and Ferb is on some absolute king shit on his twitter or did i just have to see this amazing series of tweets myself?

There’s more just go fucking look yourself

BOY’S ON SOME REAL KING SHIT LEMME TELL YA

I have to add this gem

This student emailed her philosophy TA after getting her wisdom teeth removed and it’s one for the books

Love you, bye! Read it and weep.

“I will most likely not be normal again until at least Thanksgiving turkey” is now my favorite sentence to use in the future

“please sir” and “i will buy you expo markers” killed me

Thanksgiving turkey and the casual love you bye killed me dead

you hate me because you know i am funnier and sexier than you. when i jingle my little clown bells and do my silly little jester dance it fills you with anger that i can be so funny and also so sensual in my big, big clown shoes

…you have too much time on your …HANDS.

what compelled you to do this

Humans have been compelled to do this for thousands of years

I was asking myself just now why they have “16 and pregnant” but not “16 and impregnated a girl” but I realized it would be pretty boring to watch a 16 year old boy play video games and go to school and live life as normal

Whoop there it is

i really dont mean this in like a bad way but sometimes when people on here talk its incredibly obvious that they've never lived in a conservative area lmao

and thats fine! really! i wouldnt wish that on anyone. it's legitimately terrifying. but sometimes people who spent their whole lives in the rich part of LA or whatever will tell me that "most cishet people are totally cool with the lgbt community" or that "q***r is NEVER used as a slur anymore" and I just wonder what the hell kind of alternate universe they're living in

yea i be knowin about art i kno about paula picaso henry maltese all dem dudes

sometimes i watch youtube videos and halfway through i’m like you know what i don’t care and then i close it

I had a dream abt weed

executive dysfunction is legitimately physically uncomfortable. i’ll be trapped between two things, weirdly caught on how-much-time-it-might-take-me. i take hours worried im going to take hours doing things. i’ll sit on the floor for the entire day, caught up in the middle of not-doing the chores i actually do want to be doing.

& the amount of mental energy that goes into it. & the legitimate amount of anger and discomfort and self-hate. is not “being lazy”.  it’d be a lot less work if i didn’t have to fight myself to just get up and do it. 

i just need you to understand it’s not effortless. it’s never effortless. it’s not “okay let me just get up and finally start doing this.” it’s more like. i am slamming my foot on the pedal but the car is in neutral and nothing is moving. it’s more like shouting instructions into a dying telephone. it’s more like being trapped in a small electric box, and someone who hates me is administering shocks. 

im trying. im trying. please help me get up.

This is the easiest way to piss a conservative off though… Like ask for a specific source and they FLIP

That boy short-circuited

Volume/headphone warning.

Wanted to try and pay homage to perhaps the best tweet in existence. Any and all credit goes to Patricia Lockwood for the original post and picture. And, of course, to darling, affronted Miette.

the writers of supernatural and the writers of voltron need to get together and make a show. i know that this sounds like a literally horrible idea but my god would it be so funny