hiya! hey! welcome to my bog! my name is
Theodore Haiz Heartsword-Thyme
tumblr please implement "only i can reblog" function
is it really plausible that i, a bundle of neuroses barely held together with duct tape, could have Anxiety for real
idk there's something about like. when i was a teen they were slowly undoing the stigma of mental illness and seeing a therapist. but ALSO there was this attitude of "omg there's so many fakers who say they have X illness just for attention/to be lazy/to be special, REAL X illness is MUCH worse SO terrible you would NEVER see them at the mall" which did nobody any favours tbh, like i have very few qualms about Asking For Help and Being Open About My Feelings but that doesn't help if *i* don't think i need help or *others* don't think i need help either - last time i asked for therapy (only after several people suggested i did, presumably because i kept bursting into tears anytime they asked me how i was doing) was during The Worst Time Of My Life and i got. i got rejected at first. because i wasn't miserable enough. i was so stressed at the time i could barely eat food and lost weight and i was crying all the time everywhere, but i didn't want to die so clearly, i was doing just fine!!! (the worst part is that i know many people who do don't get the help they need either, so what are we even doing here!!) but between the choice to Handling My Garbage As Best As I Can To Hold My Head Above Water, and Be More Miserable Actually, i'm going to keep my head above water every time!!! i refuse to get worse just to get seen!! i don't even know how they WOULD help!!! anyway yeah i think it makes it harder to accept that maybe i have some brain symptoms sometimes.
#i dont think a formal anxiety diagnosis would do me good right now anyway#but i would love to find a good therapist for me someday. sometime#when i have the option to shop around a little and find someone who can actually help me with stuff.#until then there's always using the Everyone's Gay Anxious And Depressed website as a journal
is it really plausible that i, a bundle of neuroses barely held together with duct tape, could have Anxiety for real
#Surely Not#idk im still ruminating on the possibility#i think i really badly internalised the 'anxiety is a very real and debilitating illness and not just a cutesy thing to add to your brain C#and went Ok So I Definitely Don't Have It Then despite having anxiety as a feeling deeply embedded in my entire body my entire life#i also think our elementary school teacher read us a book about a kid with a mom that had anxiety so bad she never left her room#and that was my exposure to it#along with the general autism experience of 'the thing you're describing doesn't sound so bad you can definitely handle it'#i personally think i handle all my brain garbage just fine#but there's a lot of it. i just live like this?#every time i hear someone kick a ball i flinch a little because i expect it to hit me in the head. that's maybe not normal
i'm doing a thing where i'm gonna draw my most important ships just because i Wanna, so here is haiz otp #1 - gregor hartway/zalvetta, thrilling intent
haiz otp #4 - kyprian and elliot grant from tattered world. what's being a little star-crossed when you're already traversing through space?
haiz otp #2 - lalli and emil from stand still stay silent. congratulations on your cat
birthday gift for @growing-magic!! their OC violet with olgavy and rosé from drawtectives!
I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!
:D :D :D
i am SO close to having a chill vacation time where i won't have to worry about anything at all but first i must go through... the STRESS GAUNTLET (packing for big trip & temporarily move out of my little house)
#did i not suffer enough last summer.#my body does this fun thing that doing the stressful thing is harder because it gets so paralysed from the stress#there's a very clear solution to this problem. which is getting the things that stress me out done. and yet#no wading into the lake will not get the things done
I feel like listening to Ninja Sex Party might be real fun to farm for S and D Tier ideas though. Like, the song First Date feels very Alex for example.
probably! i just don't enjoy that kind of music At All personally! more power to those who do!
Leighton Night with Brian Wecht really is an outlier podcast for me, since it's a talkshow-y podcast with leighton gray (worked on video games dream daddy and the newly released horror game homebody)(i have played neither) and brian wecht (former astrophysicist and current member of comedy band ninja sex party)(which i don't listen to), since my usual fare is like......... Let's Untangle Some Complex And Maybe Depressing Topics..... so maybe it's vital for me to have a chill podcast with lots of cool creator guests and hear about brian's adorable daughter hyperfixating on legend of zelda once a week. ANYWAY something that comes up every now and then is how traumatizing the release of dream daddy was for leighton. like the backlash to it caused her to have a one year long mental breakdown and to this day she can't watch streams or reviews of the game. she was 19 at the time. i'm just........... i LIKE to think it's fallen out of fashion to harass indie creators (or any creators! or anyone!!) over """Problematic Representation""" because holy shit!! that kind of experience will literally traumatize people for YEARS, and for what? for wanting to share a labour of love with other people? and not only that, it makes other creators, especially marginalized creators, terrified of creating and sharing works that are diverse or complex. it's astounding to me how much harm people would cause in a crusade to reduce it.
on a much nicer note, the release of homebody (horror game. linking here for people who like horror games. who are not me) has been a very good one for leighton and it sounds like she gets to have a much better experience sharing her work this time around and i am genuinely so happy for her
#i feel like harassing indie creators was a very 2010s era thing#but then again i have not been very much on twitter for the past couple years.#i think im preaching to the choir and lots of people agree that yeah harassing and dogpiling creators is Bad Actually#but i also feel like. people don't realise how traumatising that shit is
so the reason all the people are on the beach and nobody is in the water. is because the lake is very very cold. Now I Know.
thermoregualation can be standing aroumd in the bitingly cold shallows. i 👏 am 👏 valid 👏
new icon! wanted to draw heartsword in the style of starlight brigade, though i ended up mostly using my style of shading for it :') i do like how it turned out, i hope it works as an icon as well!
sharing this video (also available in podcast form) because dan olson is one of the few people i trust about these topics (= blockchain stuff, metaverse, "AI") and i'm so so so tired all the time and this was a very grounded discussion