I overheard two people at work today saying how stupid suicide was. They’ve never been that tired or that hurt to just want it to end. I envy them.

I wonder, if I were to die tonight, how long would it be before someone realized something was wrong and found me? I bet it would be over a month.

21 August

So there I was, at the gym, when two very attractive women started their workout behind me. And all I could think of was that they had nothing on you! I really am a dumbass.

I miss you

22 July

It crushes me when I think about everything you won’t experience. LYLC

You calmed my broken spirit. I miss that

So I saw dad today. He’s hurting from the surgery. He told me he doesn’t think he’s gonna make it. He’s just never had surgery like that. I told him he’s going to be ok. I told him he’s going to outlive me. I don’t think he’s gonna appreciate that joke when I’m gone. But I chuckled on the inside. If I got what I think I got, I’m going out like a champ. I’m not crying and whining! I have you waiting for me! LYLC

I think I’m gonna be seeing you again sooner than later, sweetheart. I am a little afraid. That surprises me. I’ll go see the doc as soon as I can. If it is what I think it is, I’m not telling my family. There’s no use getting them worked up for the inevitable. I am a little afraid, but being with you soon brings me peace.

3:00 a.m. I wake up missing you. I say a little prayer for your happiness and try to go back to sleep. I just realized right this moment that I never pray for my own happiness. I guess I don’t want to ask for too much!

I got lucky, not just once, but twice, in my life. It’s more than anyone could ask for. But it just wasn’t meant to be. At least not on this plane.

It is the guilt that is destroying me. Losing you is unbearable. It is an unexplainable hurt that never heals, but rather multiplies with every day...but knowing that I could’ve saved you, should’ve saved you, but I slept. I let you down when you needed me, makes me feel like I should be damned. Like I lost the right to be with you again.

He doesn’t let me dream of you because He knows I won’t let go of you a second time. The night I dream of you is the morning I won’t wake up

All I did was put the shattered pieces of my soul in a box, shove it in the back of the closet, and throw a blanket over it. I tried to lose my pain and guilt in a set of brown eyes. I guess it doesn’t work like that. I’m back to daydreaming about ending this journey and making my way back into your arms. If I truly believe what I believe, then why am I still here. Because I don’t know if I deserve to be with you. Because I’m ashamed of myself for letting you down. Harley, let me know it’s alright and I’ll come home without hesitation. I don’t fear death. I only fear disappointing you. LYLC

The heart is just a muscle, right?

My heart hurts so much. I just want it to quit beating.LYLC