I want what you have. I want that relationship with God. I don't know how to let go of all the things holding me back. How did you do it?
here’s a journal entry i wrote two days ago:
Can you do something with this reluctant obedient surrender? Can you change my desires? And be patient with me through the hurt, broken, painful phase? I thank you for my thorns, for my social anxiety, my insecurities, my depression, my loneliness - it would be so easy to reject you and indulge in what I want but I literally can’t go without you. I can’t do anything. I’m so empty without us and nothing else satisfies. I constantly think, “what would be so bad about doing my own thing, dating ___, following what I want, and ignoring God. I want what I want so badly. I don’t care about leaving God.” and then I imagine what it would be like without you and I’m just this lonely, pathetic, anxious, bitter, insecure person. I can’t do it even if I want too. It’s human instinct to survive and I only survive with you, so even though my flesh doesn’t want anything to do with you, my spirit is running and clawing and fighting past my desires and right to your arms.
i don’t know what to tell you other than let God do all the work. i had no desire for God two days ago. i was praying with the faith that He’d ignore my wants now and listen to my spirit. i’m still fighting it but every day gets even better and better. i find myself smiling for no reason. He takes you as you are and works with it.
the only thing keeping me from forgetting all of this faith business was knowing where i am without God. from past experiences, i know i am so numb and empty and anxious constantly. i can’t go to a cashier without praying for strength first. i can’t talk to my family or friends without a pit in my stomach. i’m an actor because God called me to do it - i can’t walk away from Him now, i’d be such a mess.
so no matter what i want now, i sucked it up because i can’t do it without Him. i gave Him a reluctant obedient surrender that my spirit knew was right even though my flesh couldn’t have cared less about God. that was two days ago, bro. i was considering throwing in the towel two days ago. you’re saying you want my relationship with God but this relationship is messy, much more messy than what a tumblr blog suggests.
my advice would be to give God your reluctant obedient surrender, even if you have things holding you back. i feel you. i had to write it down because my pride wouldn’t let me speak it. yesterday i had more boldness and was able to really pray it, but if you need to write down what you know is right compared to what you want ( ^^^ ) first to find your bearings, do that. God’s patient. He hears in all sorts of ways. He loves you :)
p.s. the same day i wrote that journal entry, i asked God for opportunities to start speaking about my faith. i feel like if i were to proclaim it more verbally, (not just live it internally but really have chances to speak it), my faith will be stronger. the next day, i ran into a coworker at my church, the last guy you’d expect to see sitting in the pew. and i just know that was one door of many God plans on opening for me. it was like a little thumbs up from Him. like a “i heard you”. it felt so nice. it was the faith booster i needed. all because of a reluctant obedient surrender, where with every “here i am, God” i was thinking to myself “but i couldn’t care less and i’d leave you if i could lol”.
- C
Dang preach.
