Criminal Minds as things my friends have said

Emily: "Derek you have beautiful eyes. No homo though."

Derek: "What?"

Emily: "No homo, but in a straight way."

Reid: "I think she deserves to be happy."

Cat: "I think she'd make a good rug for my room."

Reid: "w h a t t h e h e l l ?"

JJ: "I don't drink caffeine. If there was enough caffeine in the world to make me happy, I'd drink it... I have nothing to live for."

Luke: "Don't you have kids?"

JJ, dejectedly: "Right, yeah, them."

Rossi: "I should probably be more professional... unfortunately for you people, I'm not going to be. Sorry. But not really."

Emily: "If you're not dragging everyone else down with your uselessness, you're doing it wrong."

Morgan, as Reid is bleeding out: "If you die, I'm going to drag your soul back into your body. You don't get to leave us here. Not with Emily."

Emily, to JJ: "I'll ride with you, if you don't mind."

Morgan: "When have you ever been polite enough to say 'if you don't mind?'"

Emily: "Shut up bitch." *turns back to JJ* "is that okay? :)"

JJ: "I don't know what it is about Hotch, but I can't look at him for more than like two seconds. For the first few months I worked here, I didn't know what he looked like, because I couldn't look him directly in the face."

Emily: "Where would you have a blood fluke?"

Morgan: "The liver, I think."

Reid: "Guys, I love you, but you are SO stupid."

JJ, pointing at Will across the room: "That's my new boyfriend."

Emily, trying not to laugh: "One word. Drugs."

Hotch: "Emily, be nice. JJ likes him."

Emily, shamelessly laughing now: "Tell me you can't see the meth in his eyes."

*everyone talking about Spotify wrapped*

Morgan: "What about you Reid? What was your top song?"

Reid, quietly: "...the periodic table of elements song."

Rossi: "If you say you like oreos, that isn't self-disclosure. But if you say you like to do kinky stuff with oreos, that is."

JJ, stunned: "How did he come up with that highly specific example on the spot?"

Emily: "It's Dave, do you really want to know?"

Emily: "Wait, guys, if the toxin from the mushroom gets people high, how does it not get the mushroom high?"

Reid: *becomes catatonic for a whole minute because of her stupidity*

Morgan: "Hey Reid, how did they walk on the moon? Wasn't it too hot?"

Reid: "No?"

Morgan: "But it literally glows."

Reid: "It doesn't produce its own light, it reflects the sun."

Morgan: "Ha! I know that isn't true, because the sun isn't even out at night!"

Reid, sighing: "Derek, no, the--"

JJ, placing her hand on Reid's arm: "They made special moon shoes. That's how."

Morgan: "Ahhh, now that makes sense!"

So within two days of each other, Fox News writes an article comparing aromanticism and asexuality to pedophilia, and then Matt Walsh releases a video saying asexuality is a mental illness and asexuals are tricking teenagers into having depression.

Not sure what’s going on right now over in Conservative World, but it’s a hell of wild U-turn for them to suddenly switch from “Oh no! The left is sexualizing our children!” to “Oh no! The left is asexualizing our children!”

It’s a reminder, I guess, that they’re coming for all of us. The fash and the white supremacists will not make nice distinctions between the queers when they put us up against the wall. There is no gatekeeping, no label-policing, no purity-purging and no assimilation that any of us can do that will save us. They want us dead, and while they’ll start with whoever is most vulnerable at any given time, they’ll get around to all of us eventually.

Queer solidarity means all of us because the fash are coming for all of us.

I've rarely seen a more validating sentence in my entire life.

We are receiving unconfirmed reports that it is bedtime. Citizens are advised to get into their pajamas and remain on high alert

you guys’ fake edits and aus of neil dying are becoming really convincing lmao at this point ppl are gonna start thinking neil actually died at the end of the movie fjdslkfjadslkf

bitches be like “time for a bedtime story uwu” and then log into ao3 to read some of the most unimaginably horrific shit anyone could possibly come up with (it’s me, I’m bitches)

yells

A ghost stegosaurus visiting their newly discovered bones. They’re so happy you found them!

Give ‘em hell, Rydell! GREASE (1978) dir. Randal Kleiser

"my otp didn't even hug once :("

I'm very sorry but mine DID

anderperry au where mr perry doesn’t want neil dating becuz that might make him happy distract him 

but the andersons are a family of money and influence (i mean im guessing) and after hiding their relationship constantly from eyes that might report back to mr perry and almost being caught becuz of his random visits, neil and todd decide they need to do something

and todd remembers back when jeff got a girlfriend, todd didn’t know her name, jeff barely knew her name, but their parents had gushed about her family name and the potential business deals (they’d broken up not long after adn they had switched to ‘well there are better families’ and ‘you should focus on your school and you’ll find a better family in college’ though jeff had just looked bored adn relieved) 

and todd’s like wait that could work

adn so the poets hatch a plan to let mr perry think that neil pursuing todd is his idea for the sake of a potential partnership with the andersons (idk what the families do but its probably boring and compatible) 

the first step is putting the idea in his head

so when mr perry comes to yell at neil for one thing or the other one fo the poets just happens to come and complain about being worried about being set u with another poet because of family business

and then to put todd in the list of potential candidates they have lookout watching mr perry come see neil just in time to ‘accidently overhear’ todd ask neil if he wants to come with todd to visit his brother, JEFF ANDERSON at harvard or wherever the fuck jeff is at (did he or did he not blackmail the fuck out of his older brother to convince him to this plan ? mayhaps . could it still have been done if he just asked ? mayhaps .) 

to sweeten the deal, todd calls neil during thanksgiving break to invite him to some get together his parents are hosting 

of course, there’s the added bonus of the andersons thinking that someone who’s set to harvard being in a relationship wtiht heir son will be good for them

(if u got this far adn are still thinking ‘wait the andersons and the perrys are pieces of shit why r they so accepting’ have i ever written an au where anyone is homophobic)

so anyway

all this and mr perry finally tells neilt hat he should consider getting closer to the anderson kid while teh andersons probably imply the same and have todd blink at them and say ‘what, like married? i don’t think we can until we’re like 18’ because he kinda forgot that his parents didn’t know about him and neil because he was so focused on the perrys

anyway

on the other side, neil tells his dad that him and todd are already really close friends

and mr perry is like ‘have you considered pursuing a relationship’

and neil’s like ‘im not allowed to date dad’

and mr perrys like given the circumstances, that rule is no longer important, in terms of todd anderson

and neil’s like ‘well i’ll try, but ill have to convince todd that im interesting beyond just like school stuff’

and mr perry’s like jsut do whatever you think you need to do, an in into the anderson family could be good

and neil’s like of course dad and then he goes back to todd to kiss him senseless because yayyyy it worked !!

and yeah

were there less complicated ways to get the same result ? probably, but todd and neil asked charlie and meeks for help planning, and it kind of spiraled

but like i want a 293458298523 words fic of the poets gaslighting mr perry into thinking anderperry was his brilliant business idea while neil adn todd, already planning their future because theyre fucking saps, are making out in the background

i am a big fan of being in bed.

the bed fandom is dying. repost if youre a true sleepyhead

i made this instead of practising for my french speaking exam

This was so dumb it cracked me up

Humble king

The reason Goncharov (1973) is such a hit is because it allows Tumblr to unironically participate in its national sport:

Lying

Dare I say this is Tumblr's greatest bit of all time

frederic vasseur giving kevin´s daughter laura a flower 🥺

This is adorable