funny little (deranged) maglor pov fic about the two bard cryptids having a divas championship professional disagreement that leads to Maglor stealing Daeron's fanciest flute (obligatory innuendos incuded) and only with the last line do i reveal that we are in Hamelin, 1284, and mags, in addition to pissing daeron off, has aquired 130 children offscreen,,

poorly drawn italian greyhounds

INFORMATION I WAS NOT PREPARED TO LEARN. MAYBE WE *ARE* ALONE. BECAUSE WE ARE SO *EARLY*. IF THERE IS EVER GALACTIC CIVILIZATION THEY WILL NOT REMEMBER US AT ALL. BECAUSE WE ARE NOTHING. CELLS, JUST BEGINNING TO FORM LIFE. SORRY FOR SCREAMING. BUT ARE YOU LISTENING. ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT IT.

The planet was nothing special.

Well, there were some quirks. It was carbon-based, which was mildly interesting, and Arc’s shuttle readouts told her that it was the plants that had developed photosynthesis, weirdly. The atmosphere had a massive amount of oxygen, and there was all that water, too, more than she had ever seen in one place before. And every planet was, as her trainers had told her, its own unique jewel.

But one thing they had not told her was that all the jewels started to blend together after a while, and after a little longer each one became just another assignment. So the planet was just another assignment. A little ball of water and tumbled stone and flora in a cul-de-sac of the galaxy. One more stack of paperwork for Arc to get through before she could go home to her marital partners and offspring.

Arc aimed her shuttle in the middle of one of the larger continents, away from the mountain range and near a smaller body of (oh, gosh, more) water. As she got closer to the ground, though, her shuttle readouts changed. There were irregular smudges of radiation on the surface, and chemical evidence of constructed materials. Arc squinted, and her tertiary limbs started to shiver in frustration. There were ruins down there. Nobody had told her she’d be surveying a formerly inhabited planet. Great, she thought. Now I’m never getting home.

Arc sent a note by ansible to Ecba, her dearest marital partner. A few mins later, as her shuttle settled on the ground, she got back the image of a hand-sculpted message. “My little machine,” it said, Ecba’s sweetheart-name for her, and she could see all the love that went into the lettering. “Does it have to be you?”

Arc put on her enviro-suit and got her surveying monitor. “Maybe not,” she sent. She didn’t have the same skill in sculpting that Ecba had, so she just had to trust that her love was conveyed in the digital lettering. “Wish me luck. I’ll try to come home to you all soon.”

Then she stepped out into the world.

in an interesting case of linguistic convergent evolution, the english words scale, scale, and scale are all false cognates of each other

scale as in „to climb“ comes from the latin scala, for ladder.

scale as in the measuring device comes from the old norse skal, for a drinking vessel sometimes used as a weighing device

scale as in the dermal plating on the skin of some fish and reptiles comes from the old french escale, for shell or husk.

Anyway the thought about Christianity was a tangent, I was actually thinking about ranking Fall Out Boy songs by how far back in time you could go before the lyrics were completely unintelligible due to untranslatable cultural differences.

"Uma Thurman" is partially unintelligible even to me (I have next to no idea who Uma Thurman is) but I feel like it would be a good example to help explain what cultural Christianity is, because the amount of song lyrics that would make zero sense if you didn't know what Christianity was is always way higher than you think it is

This is also a good exercise in estimating just how much we, as modern readers, are missing in ancient texts

Imagine explaining this to an ancient Sumerian. They don't have July, let alone the Fourth of it, and the significance of that date and the connection to fireworks requires you to explain everything from gunpowder to the concept of a nation.

I like "This is a black, black ski mask song" from Novocaine because even a historian that knew what skiing was might not necessarily know what the significance of a ski mask is here.

"I Don't Care" is almost timeless though. I'm pretty sure an ancient Roman would "get" most of it.

Same with "Alone Together." "My heart is like a stallion, they love it more when it's broke in?" Perfectly understandable for someone a couple thousand years ago.

"The Mighty Fall" is an interesting case because you could envision trying to explain "Your crooked love is just a pyramid scheme" to an ancient Egyptian

Trying to do this with Owl City makes you appreciate just how MUCH clever wordplay is in Owl City lyrics, because you're like "SO MUCH would definitely get completely lost in any attempt to translate, but I can't even break it all down"

owl city lyrics have a habit of punning on idioms, which probably is the worst for historical longevity. In "Plant Life" there's the lyric "new leaf turns over, unwilling to fall" which is referring to the speaker's reluctance to let go of the past and move on. this is both playing with the idiom "turn over a new leaf" meaning to start something new, and creating the image of a literal leaf reluctant to fall from the tree (as leaves do in fall, as part of the natural progression of seasons).

Also from the song Plant Life

so, there's "spirit" and "ghost," but neither actually mean in context the same thing that they mean when they do mean they same thing, and "pull off your sheet," which is a reference to sheets being used as a ghost costume. then there is the concept of a "teddy [bear]" and "grin and bear it" which is punning on "teddy" referencing a bear. this is kind of brilliant but incomprehensible

Would the wordplay in "Get me out of this cavern or I'll cave in" in "Cave In" necessarily be intelligible when translated for a future historian or person from the distant past

By the way, Cave In is at the top of my minecraft themed playlist because it mentions the largest number of things that are in Minecraft that I have found in a song

You'll have the most fun if you assume that what technology is and does can be explained to your listener, and focus purely on cultural and linguistic barriers

In the song "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga, knowing what a garage is and is for does not help you understand what it means to be "garage glamorous" at all.

Sometimes the barrier isn't not knowing what something is, it's knowing what something is like.

Speaking of Lady Gaga, Poker Face is great for this

Listen, *I* barely know how poker is played. But I still know that the first line references a variant (?) of poker called Texas hold 'em. There are so many double meanings here. "After he's been hooked" probably references gambling, and "I'll play the one that's on his heart" references the fact that "hearts" are one of the four suits in traditional playing cards.

Imagine not knowing any of this. Now imagine knowing all of this—does that actually let you understand what a "poker face" is?

I go back in time, I try to show an ancient Sumerian some bangers from the future, I end up stuck explaining the complex legal and cultural status of gambling in the United States, fuck time travel honestly

Songs that make roughly the same amount of sense to nearly everyone regardless of their position in history

It helps that most songs throughout history are about roughly the same things:

See this is fascinating because we're already leaving the time in history where people understand things like "meaner than a junkyard dog" but the Archetype still works

"You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC has some specific cultural references, but people throughout history would Get It okay

what's being highlighted here I think is "technical meaning is understandable, but emotional/thematic meaning is completely obscure" untranslatable things vs. "technical meaning is obscure but the song still Hits" untranslatable

I think "fast car" by tracy chapman could make sense to someone who doesn't actually know what a car is. Like, it's clear from context regardless that the car is a symbol for the opportunity to escape the circumstances you were born into and feel trapped in

The best notes written in manuscripts by medieval monks

Colophon: a statement at the end of a book containing the scribe or owner’s name, date of completion, or bitching about how hard it is to write a book in the dark ages

what does oh d fuckin abbot even MEAN

an abbot is the head of a monastery so it just means “fuck my boss” basically, an abbreviation of “O damned fuckin Abbot”. this is what it looks like:

Brasenose College MS 7, f.62v 

yep

I would just like to pop in again after all this time and offer some sources, as I know there has been discussion for a while. A good number of these initially came from an infographic from Lapham’s Quarterly Magazine, which I don’t have access to, and I’m not sure if sources were cited. Some of these, however, have been confirmed by scholars, particularly a group at the University of Leiden who had a blog going for a while on the subject of medieval writing. Not everything mentioned was documented with photos, but here are a couple:

“Ale has killed us” (translated as “massive hangover”) in Ogham x

“Cursed be the pesty cat that urinated over this book during the night“ x

(please note the helpful finger pointing to the pee stain/cat doodle)

“This work is written master give me a drink; let the right hand of the scribe be free from the oppressiveness of pain” x

“Whoever translated these Gospels did a very poor job” x

“If someone else would like such a handsome book, come and look me up in Paris, across from the Notre Dame cathedral” - we even have the scribe’s name, Herneis le Romanceur  x

“I shall remember, O Christ, that I am writing of Thee, because I am wrecked today. It’s now Sunday evening “ x

The “don’t @ me” scribe x

The source for the poor scribe complaining about his awful salary was linked to from the University blog as well but the page about that text seems to have been removed.

The scribe who hates Thomas Aquinas x

“Let him be broken on the wheel and hanged” x

astronomy club sent up a weather balloon w a gopro in it last friday. put in three packs of fruit snacks so they could have a giggle over eating fruit snacks that had been to space.

balloon went up into inner space, about 90,000 feet. came down right near the dinosaur park. a few physics teachers drive out to get it, crack it open on the way home to start watching the footage.

fruit snacks are missing.

multiple sources confirm that fruit snacks were put in balloon and sealed in with duct tape. physics teachers check entire balloon. no fruit snacks.

physics teachers watch footage. all 7 hours of it. right in the middle of footage, there are about 8 minutes of visual and audio static when balloon is in orbit. no other interference with balloon recorded.

conclusions: ???????

aliens stole yo fruit snacks

I’ve been a UFO enthusiast for 2/3rds of my life and this is the most convincing alien encounters story I have ever heard.

Tolkien Fandom?

Out of curiosity, how many of us are there? Feel free to reblog if you read the books/watch the films :)

Seems a small fandom on tumblr, relatively?

naaaah 

we show up when we’re needed the most

We are neither late, nor are we early. We arrive precisely when we mean to.

Are there enough of us to break the notes?

If by my life or death I can increase the notes, I will. You have my reblog.

And my reblog

We’re still strong!

Aurë entuluva!

We have not yet gone into the West ;)

One does not simply NOT reblog this post

Good to see us all unite here. But where was the Tolkien fandom, when the Westfold fell?

favorite bits of the cast interviews in the LOTR special features:

I swear I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe

My fav LotR extra is Peter Jackson and Christopher Lee talking about how Peter was trying to coach Lee to be more vocal during his death scene, and Lee straight up was like, “That’s not the noise people make when they die to a knife in the chest. It’s *this* noise,” and while he’s demonstrating, Peter remembers that Lee was a special forces guy in WWII and back away slowly and lets him do this thing.

I think we should talk more about how Finrod, the Fair and Friendly one, the one who decided the best way to introduce himself to a new race of creatures was sneaking into a camp of sleeping humans and performing a harp solo, that Finrod- killed a werewolf naked with his teeth.

If you lined up all the grandchildren of Finwe, and asked me to rate each of them by their likelihood to die while killing a werewolf naked with their teeth, I think I might have put Finrod dead last. Maybe second to last behind Turgon, who has the least feral energy.

But he just. Canonically does that. In an episode of the story that prominently features Celegorm (the run away leader in the “likely to kill a werewolf naked with his teeth” polls), FINROD FELEGUND is the one who rips out the throat of a werewolf with his teeth.

We don’t talk about it enough. He hauls a ton of gems across the ice because he is so connected to civilization he looks at the helcaraxe and says “when I get to the uncertain future on the other side of this, I’m gonna need to pay for things.”

And then-

naked

WITH HIS TEETH!!!

please tell me i’m not the only one who sees it.

the Real Housewives of Tolkienverse as explained by me, whos only seen their names mentioned in passing

A moment of appreciation for C.S Lewis.

Silm fandom, this is for you.

i want a nerdanel with unspeakable hubris too, actually

i want that nerdanel/fëanor “power couple that fucks shit (up to and including their own marriage) up” energy

i want them both to raise their children with such love and pride that their sons will follow them anywhere with heads held high. nerdanel depicts the great king of the valar as a fairly plain statue no taller than herself? maitimo, who she always encouraged to follow his own craft and fuck what anyone else expects him to do, shuts down indignant murmurs among the reverent with his now-mastery of diplomacy.

nerdanel wishes to undertake a very costly sculpting experiment against the wishes and funding of her crafting guild? moryo, who she gave his first set of beautifully carved toys to play market with by himself instead of pressuring to go make nice with other children, will take care of the bookkeeping and secure the funds she needs through any means necessary.

and I want nerdanel, many years and deeds later, asking - begging - for once, for once, for humility and temperance… and watching the pride she raised their sons with consume them, unable to sway them from the parent still burning with it. she can do nothing but say her goodbyes as they follow the path she so lovingly set them on to ruin, with devotion in their eyes and oaths on their tongues

I love the general consensus that Glorfindel, the mighty balrog-slayer of the first age, sleeps on Elrond’s couch

Elrond (left) and Elros (right), star gazing

Till Valhalla

There is no word for gaudy in Noldorin Quenya, the same way fish have no word for wet.

The Vanyar and Teleri have words for gaudy which translate roughly to “something a noldo would like.”