reminder that i'm hot.
when i start dreaming in foreign languages, its time to worry. some shit is finna go left.
every single fucking time
let's see.
i don't have a girlfriend anymore. we ended things about 2 months ago (it'll be 2 months on my mom's birthday). it was her decision. essentially, she doesn't want to share me with my husband. and to most that would feel flattering, but it just crushed my heart. i did everything i could to make sure she felt prioritized in my life. but for her "exclusivity" and being my ONLY person was something she couldn't reconcile at this time. so she chose herself. sent me into a bit of an emotional tailspin. thank goodness for therapy
um, not going to get into the details, but it was an intense night. we drank wine. we talked. A LOT. we cuddled. we watched *our* tv shows. we slow danced. we had sex. we also had to spring my car from the clutches of the Philadelphia Parking Authority. she was so amazing. she held my hand so tightly with both hands in the back of the uber-- almost as if i would fly away if she let go. as if she was trying to imprint on both of us how it felt to hold each others' hands. and then we had sex again. then we cried. then i left. then when i got home, i called her to let her know i was safe and we had phone sex. then we said goodbye.
that was details.......lol
taking time apart to heal so we can maintain a friendship. also, she has an amazing relationship with my little girl and we both value the connection they share and want it to continue-- so i sent her photos of Young Toothless (she's lost 4 teeth in the last 2 weeks... who told my baby to grow up?!) and she was so appreciative. i love how she loves my daughter.
she's seen me at work and around campus since her return from medical leave. she admitted to me through email that she has a hard time not staring at me so she just tries to avoid my gaze. but in her words "i saw you, i always see you. you look so good"
i'm sure she's caught me looking too. she's fine as FUCK.
i miss her? i miss her.
all of this is so fucking strange.
Adventures in light and color therapy https://www.instagram.com/p/CWPRsNwFPJoH9AdRdUhcvfNAVk5JQfKzdFkkvY0/?utm_medium=tumblr
you can hurt me. i'm an adult and i will get through it.
but you hurt my kid? well now i have to end you and your bloodline. because you are not going to disappoint her. you are not going to make her feel like she is not worthy. you are not going to break her beautiful little heart.
therapist said i should draw a boundary for myself about spending money when i'm sad aka retail therapy
i told them "nobody spoils me like i spoil me. i know exactly what i want and give it to myself"
they didn't really have a rebuttal for that.
so things are going well.
I LOVE ME A WALL.
i feel safe behind my walls and i retreat the instant shit feels off or energy is weird.
i wish i didn't love my walls so much, but safety be lit... even if its lonely
when i start dreaming in foreign languages, its time to worry. some shit is finna go left.
the thing i am most proud of is my child. she is.... amazing. i can't believe she came from me.
she is so smart. smart as a whip. i love watching her explore and learn about the world, and tell me about it. i love watching her imaginative play. her brain is a wonder.
she is so loving. she covers me in kisses every day. she is a baby empath so she has an intuitive way of knowing when i need extra love and she gives it so freely. she hugs and kisses the people she knows so much, sometimes her love can be aggressive. she just throws love at you.
she is also kind and has an innate sense of justice. she is very keenly aware of when a wrong has been committed and needs to be righted. she is going to be a force for good in the world and i can't wait.
her openness to new people is wonderful but also scary. when i was out with her today, she would just happily say to people "hello! i'm ______! what's your name? i gotta start teaching her about strangers. i don't want to make her scared of people, but i also want her to know she can't trust everyone who smiles at her.
when everything else in life beats me down, she is the thing that reminds me that i'm not a total fuck up. i'm grateful to the universe for that.
this has become like my internet journal. when i don't want to actually write on paper, but need to get things out of my head
i'm 14 months into this relationship with this woman and once we hit the 1 year mark is when the "testing" of our mettle began. the month of May was shitty to me. not internal mess with us per se, but external pressures that just tested our connection. i will say, she did something that eroded my confidence in my ability to trust her fully. i tried to communicate that to her but i think i failed. i don't know if she knows that me trusting her fully has become harder for me. i don't think she would hurt me intentionally, but she has hurt me accidentally. i know people in relationships hurt each other-- its part of being human. and i'm trying to move in grace and compassion for both of us.
when things are good between us, which is more often than not, they are wonderful.
chronic pain is a theif. it is stealing her away from herself.... and me.
i realize i had no "formative' dating experiences in my youth. i had to learn through high stakes adult dating and it is so much more painful when shit goes left.
i'm still healing. every time i heal from a large wound, a smaller festering one makes itself the focal point of my self work. i feel like i i will be doing this until i die.
it felt good to get this out of my head. it was all rolling around in there making me feel crazy
i miss when tumblr was a thriving community of miscreants much like myself.
now the dash is all aesthetics and reblogs
boo.
k bye
reblog this if your blog is a safe space on april fools and won’t have any jumpers, screamers, or anything scary or anxiety inducing
processing your trauma and its triggers is interesting. and by interesting i mean it fucking sucks.
someone hurt me deeply over the course of a few of years and i finally cut off all contact with that person about 2 years ago. and while i really have complicated feelings about all of it, the part that ANGERS me is how their treatment of me-- the gaslighting, the neglect, the abandonment-- has seared itself into my consciousness such that anything that even remotely looks or feels like that treatment sets me off.
i dont get angry when it happens. i just cry and shrink and want to hide away from the world. i want to put up high stone walls and keep everyone away from my soft and bleeding heart. my instinct to protect me by shutting people out is so gotdamb reflexive and strong, it scares me.
it scares me that i will do damage to healthy relationships based on the trauma from one bad one.
i never got closure. never got an apology. was robbed of my community of friends who felt like family behind it. and perhaps i was cast as the villain. even though i know for sure that i wasn’t.
i know it has shaped how i move forward in relationships: i’m intentional, clear about my expectations and want people to be clear with me about theirs. and open communication are paramount to me and i will not stand for being abandoned or not being cherished.
i just wish it didn’t bring me to the edge of tears when i think about what happened.
maybe one day, it wont
DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO CEREAL!!!
Listen in the past the poor have had to improvise cheap food the rich never wanted as a means to survive. And over the many years of innovation made the food taste good until eventually the rich where like: “Oh hay you actually like that garbage? Why on earth would you like it?” Then they try it, love it, start buying it, and then drive the price up so much it becomes a luxury good.
They do this and its devastating, the food typically never becomes affordable again. It don’t matter how cheap the foo dis to produce, it doesn’t matter if there is almost no meat on the bone or its super difficult to eat and messy. Once the poor discover how to make some bit of cheap food taste good, the rich take it away via driving the price of it up.
THEY DID THIS TO RIBS.
Ribs were garage meat. Just look at them, there is hardly any meat on the bone, you have to eat them by hand usually, and they are messy. They where an undesirable cheap source of junk meat. But the poor being the poor made them taste good. (Because they don’t have much to choose from.) The rich discovered the meals the poor made with them and decided they liked ribs too. People discovered they could sell a few ribs to rich people and make way more money then selling lots of ribs to poor people and the price was driven up.
DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO CEREAL!!!
They did the same to brisket. You used to be able to get brisket for less than a dollar a pound, which meant you could get a twenty pound brisket fairly cheaply. And then you smoked it, sliced it, and had meat for weeks if not a full month. And it was tasty. I grew up eating brisket at least once a month because my family could afford it.
It was a cheap meat because no rich person looks at the dangly part of the neck of a cow and goes ‘ooh, that looks tasty!’.
But then Food Network started showcasing things like barbecued brisket. Rich people started showing up at places that weren’t just Rib Crib to get their barbeque. And the price of brisket went up. A lot.
I regularly see it for over five dollars a pound in stores now. And while yeah, that might not seem like a lot when you’re talking only a pound or two of meat, brisket is normally sold in ten to twenty pound sizes. It’s become completely unaffordable to the people that made it delicious.
Sushi used to be really cheap, too, until it became ‘trendy’. Guess why you’re now paying twelve dollars for your order of California rolls? Because rich people discovered something that poor people had been eating for ages.
Noticed the prices of fajita meat, chicken thighs, or ham hocks has gone up recently? You guessed it. Rich people are taking our food and now we’re scrambling to afford the things that we grew up eating.
Lobster is a perfect example of this phenomenon. For hundreds of years, lobster was regarded as a sort of insect larvae from the depth of the sea. It had zero appeal as a “luxury food” until people living in NY and Boston developed a taste for it. Before the 19th century, it was considered a “poverty food” or used as fertilizer and bait - some household servants specified in employment agreements that they would not eat lobster more than twice a week. It was also commonly served at prisons, which tells you something about prison food.
Only by cleverly marketing lobster as an indulgence for the privileged made it cost so much. It became a vehicle for enormous profit spawning a multi-billion dollar global industry in the process. This mythical affection for lobster flesh - not its practical value in terms of taste, nutrition, or any other reasonable consideration - drives its value.
blackwitchmagicwoman
LMAO. Wait.
Anyone else’s eye twitchin?
strongorcbutch
Food gentrification is a long standing practice and it’s some of the most evil shit I can think of. It’s why I refuse for example as someone living in the US to buy things with Quinoa in them. It is specifically pricing an indigenous population out of their prime staple food. It’s a horrific invasion of one of the final requirements of staying alive.
Oysters were another too poor to be eaten food, they were almost a waste product of the river pearl industry and were sold in London as cheap as it got, in the winter months oysters were one of the main sources of protein in workhouses. Now they’re a “delicacy”
oxtail. kale. coconut water. collard greens.
all of them are being gentrified.
i remember when the butcher would give away oxtail for FREE.it was offal. now its a delicacy.
i got vaccinated!! 💉 #covidvacccine https://www.instagram.com/p/CI9NvIKl8JOcYx72vhe7qN9PjcpPcCaY72a1pY0/?igshid=14bbf6a0d56wv