Me: OK, see you later.
Gran: No, but I'm worried.
Me: About what?
Gran: The little girl!
Me: What little girl?
Gran: Yours.
Me: I don't have a little girl. I don't have any kids.
Gran: Well in that case, let's dance. Do do dooo do do bah bum!
Gran: Look at all that white stuff. They've shit all over the place.
Gran: Is Lupita here?
Me: (point to the dinner table) Yeah, she's over there.
Gran: Oh, the one with her butt facing this way?
Gran: Lupita?
Me: Yeah?
Gran: When is Adriana getting here?
Me: I am Adriana.
Gran: Ha!
Gran: Are any of your boyfriends here?
Me: Nope, not a single one.
Gran: (smiles knowingly)
Gran: (touches my boob) Why do you have this bulge?. It's big.
Me: It's my boob.
Gran: What?? (laughs) Woops.
Gran: I'm drunk.
Me: At 2pm?
Gran: (nods her head)
Me: From what? Tequila? Whiskey?
Gran: I don't know. I just know that I've been drinking.
Gran: (Touches my tattoos) These are pretty. Do they come off?
Me: No. Do you want one?
Gran: Not right now.
Me: How about tomorrow?
Gran: Yeah, let's do it tomorrow.
Gran: Are those two husband and wife?
Me: They're two ladies.
Gran: Oh, OK.
Me: (Show Gran a picture of her from two summers ago)
Gran: Is that you?
Gran: (points to the Starbucks napkin) How much do these cost?
Me: They're free.
Gran: They just give them away???
Gran: (holds out food) This is too sweet.
Me: It's vegetable soup. There is no way it can be sweet.
Gran: Well, I said sweet, but that's not what I meant. It's not sweet at all.
At Target
Me: Do you like this cushion?
Gran: Yes it's very pretty. How much is it?
Mom: Twenty-five dollars.
Gran: (gasps; makes the sign of the cross) Oh, no no no.
Gran: So what are we watching?
Me: It's the history of DC in the 80's.
Gran: (rolls her eyes) Why do I care?
Gran: I feel a darkness on my throat.
Me: Uuuh.
Gran: No, wait. It's cold. My throat is cold.