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Dear Heart

@scaremoonturkey / scaremoonturkey.tumblr.com

Child of the Kindly West

Hey everyone, got a minute?

I've finally done it and launched my own web comic! This has been a project long in the making (about 1.5 years at this point), and it's what I'm cultivating into a career. Come check it out here: https://agoblinsjourney.com/ It updates every Sunday (at this point), and if you like it and/or know of others who would dig it as well, spread it around!

(I'm working on making an account for it here on Tumblr, and I'll hopefully have that up and running ASAP - Tumblr is a wee bit complicated when it comes to getting pages put up and such)

Today's Adventure is that I, after an unintentional 13-hour power nap,

  • Got woken up at 6AM by a phone call from a friend stranded in Montana because of the heat wave and almost no cell service because of their crap provider.
  • OhSoThat'sHowIt'sGonnaBe.jpg
  • Ok.
  • I somehow summon a week's worth of spoons and in less than 30 minutes and 5 phone calls, get them
  • A hotel
  • An appointment with a mechanic from 2 states away
  • A perscription refilled from 2 states away
  • and A Pizza
  • Go me.
  • But then it's 8AM and there are unscheduled live humans at the door and while EVERGENCY MODE is still on, I have already blown through a ton of spoons, and also probably shouldn't meet whoever it is wearing just a pair of bootyshorts that say "CRYPTID" in Gothic Font on my ass.
  • So I greet them in those shorts and a T-shirt that I manage to put on both inside out and backwards
  • #nailedit
  • It is, Fortunately, not the mormons.
  • it is, Unfortunately, two UPS guys trying to deliver my other in-house friend's new phone except the new guy doesn't know how to operate the "sign for package" device, and the old guy that's supposed to be mentoring him is like, 92, deaf as a post, and doesn't actually know how to operate the device either.
  • by the way
  • it is already
  • over 100 out
  • it takes almost 30 minutes to sign for the phone
  • when i get back inside, i discover that apparently the Corgi has learned how to open his kennel from the inside because he is now out of the kennel and waiting for me to come in.
  • he also has cat litter all over his face because while he was waiting for me he also learned how to open the baby gate to the cat's room and help himself to a cat shit breakfast.
  • He'll be fine
  • He's a cattle dog, they're legally required to have at least 1 really disgusting snack they love.
  • but
  • more to the point
  • i have no idea at what point he learned to open his kennel from the inside
  • has he been staying there out of politeness this whole time??
  • And
  • I got other shit to do today.
  • namely.
  • I'm seeing a realator
  • The Devils most pathetic yet effective demons
  • I get a reminder text that I have an appointment with her
  • at least
  • I think that's what it is because what she sends me is: "🏡⏰12:00 ❔"
  • With the time typed in the middle like that.
  • She is, according to her profile, at least 80.
  • so I reply "😎👍"
  • and then she sends me a string of GODDAMN POST-MODERN EMOJI HEIROGLYPHICS THAT TAKE UP MY ENTIRE SCREEN.
  • She's on an iPhone so half of them don't even translate across platforms
  • It takes me half an hour and three different software programs and goddamn wingdings to translate, but she has sent me the address and rules about masking and not wearing shoes inside.
  • in emoji
  • instead of like
  • literally any other format
  • I am
  • FASCINATED
  • and simply must meet the woman so if I don't come back to update I got stolen by the fairies but I'm taking the Corgi with me as protection so I'll see y'all later.

Update:

  • It's not fairies
  • It's Doris.
  • might be about to get a sewing machine and/or start an ACAB riot.

Ok, so:

  • I'm going to see a prospective house because due to various circumstances, I'm probably going to be moving to the other side of a major metropolitan area in the next few months, but that's not important.
  • I get to the house
  • I get a text from the realtor
  • The realtor is not the person who has been texting me in emoji
  • The person texting me in emoji is the homeowner, who the realtor says will let me in if I want, she's running late.
  • Sure
  • Why not
  • I put Herschel on leash and go to the front door
  • As much crime as he commits at home Herschel The Hanukkah Goblin has terrific public manners, and is Very Cute so I'm about 90% sure the emoji fairy is going to let me take him through the house
  • Door opens.
  • 90-something blue haired old lady with a spine like a question mark and glasses that could be used as telescope lenses opens the door.
  • "OH [Gallus]! How lovely to see you!"
  • This woman clearly knows me because she remembers my anniversary was last week and that my sister is back from Australia.
  • Problem is
  • I know about 500 geriatric ladies with blue hair, scoliosis and extreme prescription glasses, because I am a member of 2 quilt guilds, the scientific illustration guild, the rocky mountain SCA and stagehand for three different theater companies, so I know everyone's grandma and fuck me if I can tell them apart.
  • Wait
  • There's a quilt in thekitchen, visible front hall
  • I don't know faces but apparently I can recognize applique techniques at 40paces.
  • "...Doris? From SAQA?"
  • "YES! Who is this handsome little man?"
  • Herschel speaks enough English to know that "handsome little man" means "this person will feed me milk bones and bacon if I'm cute enough"
  • Immediately does a Sit Pretty and Shake.
  • Doris is bewitched
  • This is fine, but I also know I'm about to severely disappoint the realtor because there is no way in hell I'm moving into this House.
  • Because
  • The reason Doris is moving out is that her neighbor is a Cunt Magnifique and has been harassing Doris and everyone else to form an HOA and "improve the quality of our residents" because this woman has nothing better to do than be a racist-ass busy body, and recently, she's set her husband, a county sheriff on Doris, trying to bully her into signing paperwork and threatening her with legal action and writing her up for bullshit property violations
  • Ain't putting up with that shit
  • And neither is Doris, so she's selling all her shit and moving out to live with her grandchildren in Santa Monica.
  • But she's technologically impaired, so the only indication that there is an estate sale happening is a small paper sign in her front yard.
  • "Doris." I say, as Herschel makes himself comfortable on the couch for belly rubs and pieces of ham. "Did you tell SAQA or FRCC or anyone on Facebook that you're having the sale?"
  • "oh, I don't know how to do all that!" She sighs. "I tried to call the Denver post but they just put me on hold for ages..."
  • "Watch Herschel for 20 minutes and he's only allowed to have that one piece of ham."
  • Pics of everything
  • Address, time and pics to Facebook, both quilt guilds she's in, two more I have contacts for, nextdoor, and the local SCA discord for good measure.
  • It's 12 minutes and Herschel persuaded her to give him at least three pieces of ham.
  • He is petitioning for a fourth by doing a little puppy dance on the living room rug.
  • "OK, that's enough ham, people will be here in 10. Where is your cash box?"
  • Because apparently I'm running an estate sale today too.
  • It's fine :)
  • There's about 7 minutes of quiet.
  • Then
  • They DESCEND
  • The first on the scene is DeeDee, who doesn't believe in speed limits. She's arrived with a horse trailer. I remember that she is also moving.
  • "HI DORIS SWEETHEART WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS TODAY I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL THIS TO THE GOODWILL HERE LET ME SET UP ON YOUR LAWN "
  • DeeDee is 73, and has a special spiritual bond with Hello Kitty. She weighs like 98lbs, dresses exclusively in neon pink sanrio clothes and the kind of eye makeup drag queens aspire to.
  • She also speaks non-stop at a volume normally associated with jet engines.
  • Half the horse trailer is already spread out on the lawn.
  • Doris is putting price stickers on stuff
  • Herschel is trying to tear open a bag of cotton batting.
  • This, and the arrival of approximately 56 minivans, five more trucks with horse trailers and Corgi Excitement Screaming alert Cunt Magnifique that something is happening outside.
  • Madame saunters off her porch up to Doris and Demands to know what's happening, you're supposed to notify the neighborhood and get a permit to-"
  • Doris, surrounded by her pack of silver wolves, shouts. "OH HELLO! EVERYONE, THIS IS MARCIA. I'VE TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT MARCIA." >:)c

... further details in a bit I think the Vikings are here.

~`* SOMEONE'S GETTING FIRED!!*`~

OK so.

  • You know those high school house parties you see in movies, where the person invites only a few friends, but those friends call their friends, and those friends call THEIR friends and soon like 500 people show up to one house and someone calls the cops and that one John Mulaney sketch with "SCATTER!" happens?
  • Old people will 100% do this too, except instead of a house party it's an estate sale on a wednesday afternoon and when the cop shows up there are lawyers present and he is in DEEP SHIT because his wife just spent the afternoon admitting to doing a bunch of wildly illegal shit on tape.
  • So when we left off, the party had really started getting underway, because Marcia the Cunt Magnifique had decided to crash the estate sale and whine about "we're supposed to coordinate garage sales as a neighborhood" and "your friends are blocking traffic on this cul-de-sac while nobody is home" weh weh-
  • DeeDee is about ready to throw hands but she is nowhere near the most dangerous of the Silver Silver Wolves.
  • That's Dr. Ruth.
  • Dr. Ruth turned 99 this year and went paragliding for her birthday
  • So you understand just how hard she goes
  • Dr. Ruth sort of hobbles over and point-blank asks "So I understand you've been trying to start a homeowner's association?" :3c
  • Marcia
  • Entirely misunderstanding how much danger she's in
  • Starts enumerating the TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS of trying to start one, because SOME PEOPLE DON'T RESPECT AUTHORITY and all the paperwork and talking to people and she even had to ask HER HUSBAND. A SHERRIF. To go around and hand people stuff to sign.
  • Some people, right?
  • Dr. Ruth nods. Some people. She agrees.
  • You know.
  • Her son is a lawyer.
  • Why doesn't she give him a call?
  • Marcia, a Moron: Oh that'd be great!
  • Dr. Ruth, hobbling back to Doris: "Don't worry. David will handle this."
  • Meanwhile
  • The Friends-Of-Friends and the Friends-Of-Friends-Of-Friends are arriving, lured in because they heard the words "Longarm Sewing Machine" and "Hand-made quilts"
  • Various factions present include but are far from limited to: -Probably Six Quilt Guilds -The Denver Art League -The Denver Leather League -The Vikings -The Klingons -The Colorado Wild Game Share -A Pack of Scientific Illustrators -A Pack of Assorted Scientists they brought with them -The Sheep Lesbians -The Horse Lesbians -Three Extremely Competent Finnish People (My Scientific Illustration Professor and her sisters) who immediately take over the estate sale and turn it into an auction to maximize profit and keep the taxes in order.
  • Someone brings two additional Corgi called "Cap" and "Bucky"
  • They are Pembroke Corgi, and weigh about 21lbs apiece
  • Herschel is a Cardigan Welsh Corgi and weighs 42lbs because he's hug even for a Cardigan, and is Delighted with his New Minions.
  • They worship him as a God and follow him around so every time he sticks his face in something two smaller corgi faces immediately follow, like some kind of adorable cerberus.
  • Pelts and meat shares are being traded out of the backs of trucks and vans
  • Someone is making bratwurst.
  • Intrigued by the Brouhaha, Doris' neighbors emerge.
  • They are also Geriatric and very nervous, because Marcia has been harassing them too.
  • They are telling this to the members of these factions that are also lawyers.
  • There are at least 5 of them so far and David isn't even here yet.
  • I realize my realtor isn't even here.
  • I decide to text her.
  • She is somewhere in the crowd and having a nervous breakdown because She's SO LATE!!!
  • Ma'am.
  • It's 103 out.
  • I was just handed a freshly grilled Brat
  • Some bitch is incriminating herself on the lawn.
  • Nothing scheduled is happening.
  • Come sit in the yard and watch the Corgis play on the Palyskool plastic slide set. They're disassembling it like tiny furry engineers.
  • Have a bratwurst.
  • One of the Klingons appears, having physically carried my realtor through the crowd, and gently deposits her on the lawn before handing her a Bratwurst.
  • Diane, the Realtor, is not much older than I am, and from the preppie swaths of society that has "Never had a dog growing up" and "Didn't Know People Could Just. Make. Blankets?" and "What is this? It's like a hot dog but spicy?"
  • She is having a LEARNING EXPERIENCE.
  • One of the Horse Lesbians comes over and compliments Diane on her Dior handbag.
  • Diane thanks her ans compliments the apparently expensive brand scarf she has on. Do you. Know all these people?
  • Horse Lesbian explains that she's part of the SCA, and what that is, and that why yes. Her girlfriend Tasha is an armorer. Yes like for knights.
  • More Livestock Lesbians assemble.
  • They are pulling off shirts to show off livestock and battle scars, and biceps.
  • Diane is LEARNING A LOT TODAY.
  • I am just getting everyone's contact info and making sure Herschel does not consume his weight in bratwurst.
  • BWOOP!
  • Uh-Oh.
  • Marcia's Husband is here.
  • I step out front.
  • He has used the siren to largely part the crowd and pull into his driveway but it has closed around him and there is No Escape.
  • He starts huffing and puffing about blocked traffic and permits and the like, but this is not his usual Can-Bully-Without-Consequences crowd.
  • These are Grandmas.
  • Veterans of the 60's protest front who never let up.
  • He's starting to turn bright red and looks like he's about to cry and I've got my phone out to record whatever Incident is about to occur.
  • -And a Mercedes pulls up.
  • It's David.
  • Dr. Ruth's son.
  • The Lawyer.
  • And I emphasize that The because David is not some mere ambulance chaser.
  • David is the guy that the state sends to prosecute Corporate Fraud and Organized Crime and Other State Departments.
  • David was part of the team that took down the CO Branch of the KKK.
  • David is all of 5'4", very round and a balding little man that looks like the Dictonary Definition of "Nebbish" that moves with such intense confidence and authority that he pretty much has the Pillar Men Theme Blasting behind him at all times.
  • So when he and three other lawyers from the state's office step out of the car
  • Mr. Sherrif goes from red to while like color-changing octopus and I am like 50% sure he shit himself.
  • Because what he and Marcia have been doing is Very, Very, Very, VERY, Fucking Illegal.
  • "mArCiA!" he garbles. "sHuT tHe fUcK uP!"
  • Marcia is standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac, having spent the last 3 hours recounting to anyone who will listen about the 'measures she's had to take' and now the 5 lawyers that were here are delightedly handing over the paperwork that she had forced on Doris and her Neighbors, and pointing at all the doorbell cameras and witnesses out to the state's top prosecutor.
  • Friends
  • I ugly laughed.
  • FOUR HOURS LATER: -Auction wrapped up with a solid $40K to Doris' name plus pending sales on some of her larger furniture and antiques
  • Plus whatever David gets in damages from the county sherrif's office.
  • Marcia and husband are fucking busted
  • Herschel spent all afternoon running around and eating snacks and is passed out on the floor
  • Diane is "meeting up with" one of the Horse Lesbians next week.
  • The sewing machine went to someone else but I did open my purse and found out Doris or someone shoved a bunch of cash in there.
  • I'm getting ice dream and going to bed.

Of all the redemption arcs in popular fantasy media, I feel like Theoden’s in The Lord of the Rings is the most overlooked.

The movies emphasize the magical control that the evil powers exercise over Theoden, but in the books, it’s more obviously a depiction of bad kingship, in the British medieval sense. Theoden takes bad advice; he neglects his family; he fails to reward his knights; and he leaves his people vulnerable to attack. He also does not honor his kingdom’s promises to help nearby kingdoms, as we can tell from Boromir’s account of what Gondor has been going through.

Gandalf doesn’t just cast out the curse and magically fix everything. He encourages Theoden to free himself from his bad advisor, but Theoden has to take all the subsequent steps. And those choices are not easy; after so much neglect, his knights are scattered, and his only option for defending his people is to gather them at Helm’s Deep. The siege does not go well. His people are afraid and despairing. But nevertheless, he holds firm and charges out to meet the enemy – and Gandalf literally meets him halfway, bringing with him the lost knights, whom Theoden welcomes and rewards after the battle.

Theoden could have just gone home after that. But when Gondor calls for aid, Theoden proves his worth by honoring his promises. He keeps his oaths not only to his people but to his allies.

And the climax of his redemption in the book is not his death, but his leadership. The ride of the Rohirrim against Sauron’s armies is described in lavish detail, with an uncharacteristically heated pace: Theoden leads the entire line of Rohan, his banner streaming behind him in the wind as they race toward their foe. And that’s the end of the chapter.

I love Theoden’s arc so much, and especially that moment so much, because the message is not that he has to win battles or seek power. He just has to keep fighting. Theoden’s greatest enemy isn’t really Sauron: it’s despair. And over the course of the book, he keeps choosing hope and action over despair and hesitation, until finally he can lead his people with courage.

As someone who struggles a lot with despair, I really needed to hear that story.

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and it’s contrasted against Denethor’s arc; who also struggles against despair, and doesn’t overcome it.

yooooo. so I literally wrote a 20 page english paper about the Hope/Despair theme in Tolkien’s work once. It was like ten years ago and I don’t think I have it anymore, but oh boy do I have feeeeeeelings about this topic. And I have drunk a little bit of wine tonight! So here are my unasked for thoughts:

Yes, Theoden’s greatest enemy is despair! Everyone’s greatest enemy is despair. It’s the biggest fucking theme of the series IMO and it makes me crazy how often it gets overlooked.

lord of the rings is a story written by a man whose experience of war was crouching in the bottom of a trench. People like to make a lot of hay about the charge of the light brigade and it’s similarity to the ride of the rohirrim, but no. Tolkien’s experience of war was getting fucking trench fever, not watching cavalry charges. Tolkien’s experience of war was listening to the shells fall around him, knowing that death could come at any moment. He experienced war in a way where the soldiers on the other side of the line were a faceless threat, and the closest and most present enemy was his own fear.

this is the hill I will die on. This is why I hate it when people talk about LotR as a morally cowardly story about fighting mindless orcs that exist to be cannon fodder. No. Lord of the Rings is about seeing the dark coming on the horizon, and fighting yourself. Fighting the fear and despair that rise up inside you. Struggling with your own terror and powerlessness, knowing that you are small, and nothing you do will matter in the face of this massive conflict—  you’re just here, one more meaningless soul to feed into the machine guns. Lord of the Rings is about taking a deep breath, and bracing yourself, and deciding that if nothing you do matters, all that matters is how you do it. The ring can’t possibly be destroyed— we choose to form a fellowship anyway. Helms deep will surely fall by morning— we still choose to fight. The quest can’t possibly succeed— and yet we choose to march into the teeth of mordor to distract the enemy. It’s not hope, exactly? But’s it’s not not hope.

I did at one point have twenty pages written about this. Tolkien was a deeply christian man— he believed in eucatastrophe. Salvation. A better world to come, after suffering, if you bore your suffering well. But he was also a world-class Beowulf scholar with a kinda viking-warrior-type view of the world. And do you know what the vikings believed? (Pls don’t anybody @ me for saying viking, I know it’s a verb and not a culture). The vikings believed that the time of your death was preordained, and that all you had control over was how you met it.

And that is some seriously Rohirric shit!! Like, we’re all mortals doomed to die, Ragnarok is coming, and this whole world is an inevitable grind down into oblivion… but if we’re fighting a long defeat, all the more reason to fight it gloriously!! That’s epic. Eomer approves the hell out of that message.

I’m gonna be a real nerd now, and quote from a poem called the Battle of Maldon.

Courage shall grow keener, clearer our will,
More valiant our spirits, as our strength grows less.
Here lies our good lord, all leveled in dust
The man all marred. True kinsman will mourn
Who thinks to wend off from battle play now?
Though whitened by winters I will not away,
But lodge by my liege lord that favorite of men;
By my dear one and ring giver intend I to lie.”

That’s a translation from an Old English poem that’s literally a thousand years old, but it always gets me how much it sounds like something Tolkien would write. Theoden and Eowyn are practically leaping out of that poem: We’re all going to die, I choose to meet my end fiercely. We’re all going to die, so I want to die beside my king.

It’s an acceptance of death, and even of failure, but not of defeat. Because— to get back to what I was talking about earlier— Lord of the Rings isn’t actually a story about battlefields. It’s a story about being at war with your own heart. Despair or faith? Hope or defeat? Tolkien wants you to know that even if your city is overrun by orcs, or you’re killed in a meaningless push for another 50 feet of french mud, you can still hold on to your courage with both hands and not cede up your soul to despair– and that’s the battle Tolkien thinks is really worth writing about.

It’s a battle that every major character in the story fights. Frodo, Sam, Gandalf, Theoden, Denethor, Merry, Pippin, Boromir, Galadriel, Eowyn, Faramir, Eomer, Saruman, Gollum, Aragorn. Some of them hold onto hope through everything. Some of them break utterly. Some of them are defeated, and then with help find their footing again, and make a redeeming last stand.  

But the point that Tolkien hammers home again and again is: Death and failure are natural parts of life, and should be accepted. Despair shouldn’t be.

Tolkien says: hope is hard, actually. Fuck that Game of Thrones grimdark bullshit. Hope is hard fucking work. And even if you don’t have hope? Fight like you do. Because the world needs people working to make it better. Do the best you can with what you have, and whether you can see the mark you’re making on the world or not, the simple fact that you’re trying means the world is a better place.

Anyway, I fucking love these books. I am going to stop drinking wine, and go to bed now. :)

A helpful guide to some common birds here in the western US

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Here are a few more, for your birding needs:

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please allow me to thank you by giving you one in return

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Thank you for your contribution to the birding community

Here is some more helpful identification knowledge of birbs

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for you

Today's Adventure is that I, after an unintentional 13-hour power nap,

  • Got woken up at 6AM by a phone call from a friend stranded in Montana because of the heat wave and almost no cell service because of their crap provider.
  • OhSoThat'sHowIt'sGonnaBe.jpg
  • Ok.
  • I somehow summon a week's worth of spoons and in less than 30 minutes and 5 phone calls, get them
  • A hotel
  • An appointment with a mechanic from 2 states away
  • A perscription refilled from 2 states away
  • and A Pizza
  • Go me.
  • But then it's 8AM and there are unscheduled live humans at the door and while EVERGENCY MODE is still on, I have already blown through a ton of spoons, and also probably shouldn't meet whoever it is wearing just a pair of bootyshorts that say "CRYPTID" in Gothic Font on my ass.
  • So I greet them in those shorts and a T-shirt that I manage to put on both inside out and backwards
  • #nailedit
  • It is, Fortunately, not the mormons.
  • it is, Unfortunately, two UPS guys trying to deliver my other in-house friend's new phone except the new guy doesn't know how to operate the "sign for package" device, and the old guy that's supposed to be mentoring him is like, 92, deaf as a post, and doesn't actually know how to operate the device either.
  • by the way
  • it is already
  • over 100 out
  • it takes almost 30 minutes to sign for the phone
  • when i get back inside, i discover that apparently the Corgi has learned how to open his kennel from the inside because he is now out of the kennel and waiting for me to come in.
  • he also has cat litter all over his face because while he was waiting for me he also learned how to open the baby gate to the cat's room and help himself to a cat shit breakfast.
  • He'll be fine
  • He's a cattle dog, they're legally required to have at least 1 really disgusting snack they love.
  • but
  • more to the point
  • i have no idea at what point he learned to open his kennel from the inside
  • has he been staying there out of politeness this whole time??
  • And
  • I got other shit to do today.
  • namely.
  • I'm seeing a realator
  • The Devils most pathetic yet effective demons
  • I get a reminder text that I have an appointment with her
  • at least
  • I think that's what it is because what she sends me is: "🏡⏰12:00 ❔"
  • With the time typed in the middle like that.
  • She is, according to her profile, at least 80.
  • so I reply "😎👍"
  • and then she sends me a string of GODDAMN POST-MODERN EMOJI HEIROGLYPHICS THAT TAKE UP MY ENTIRE SCREEN.
  • She's on an iPhone so half of them don't even translate across platforms
  • It takes me half an hour and three different software programs and goddamn wingdings to translate, but she has sent me the address and rules about masking and not wearing shoes inside.
  • in emoji
  • instead of like
  • literally any other format
  • I am
  • FASCINATED
  • and simply must meet the woman so if I don't come back to update I got stolen by the fairies but I'm taking the Corgi with me as protection so I'll see y'all later.

Update:

  • It's not fairies
  • It's Doris.
  • might be about to get a sewing machine and/or start an ACAB riot.

Ok, so:

  • I'm going to see a prospective house because due to various circumstances, I'm probably going to be moving to the other side of a major metropolitan area in the next few months, but that's not important.
  • I get to the house
  • I get a text from the realtor
  • The realtor is not the person who has been texting me in emoji
  • The person texting me in emoji is the homeowner, who the realtor says will let me in if I want, she's running late.
  • Sure
  • Why not
  • I put Herschel on leash and go to the front door
  • As much crime as he commits at home Herschel The Hanukkah Goblin has terrific public manners, and is Very Cute so I'm about 90% sure the emoji fairy is going to let me take him through the house
  • Door opens.
  • 90-something blue haired old lady with a spine like a question mark and glasses that could be used as telescope lenses opens the door.
  • "OH [Gallus]! How lovely to see you!"
  • This woman clearly knows me because she remembers my anniversary was last week and that my sister is back from Australia.
  • Problem is
  • I know about 500 geriatric ladies with blue hair, scoliosis and extreme prescription glasses, because I am a member of 2 quilt guilds, the scientific illustration guild, the rocky mountain SCA and stagehand for three different theater companies, so I know everyone's grandma and fuck me if I can tell them apart.
  • Wait
  • There's a quilt in thekitchen, visible front hall
  • I don't know faces but apparently I can recognize applique techniques at 40paces.
  • "...Doris? From SAQA?"
  • "YES! Who is this handsome little man?"
  • Herschel speaks enough English to know that "handsome little man" means "this person will feed me milk bones and bacon if I'm cute enough"
  • Immediately does a Sit Pretty and Shake.
  • Doris is bewitched
  • This is fine, but I also know I'm about to severely disappoint the realtor because there is no way in hell I'm moving into this House.
  • Because
  • The reason Doris is moving out is that her neighbor is a Cunt Magnifique and has been harassing Doris and everyone else to form an HOA and "improve the quality of our residents" because this woman has nothing better to do than be a racist-ass busy body, and recently, she's set her husband, a county sheriff on Doris, trying to bully her into signing paperwork and threatening her with legal action and writing her up for bullshit property violations
  • Ain't putting up with that shit
  • And neither is Doris, so she's selling all her shit and moving out to live with her grandchildren in Santa Monica.
  • But she's technologically impaired, so the only indication that there is an estate sale happening is a small paper sign in her front yard.
  • "Doris." I say, as Herschel makes himself comfortable on the couch for belly rubs and pieces of ham. "Did you tell SAQA or FRCC or anyone on Facebook that you're having the sale?"
  • "oh, I don't know how to do all that!" She sighs. "I tried to call the Denver post but they just put me on hold for ages..."
  • "Watch Herschel for 20 minutes and he's only allowed to have that one piece of ham."
  • Pics of everything
  • Address, time and pics to Facebook, both quilt guilds she's in, two more I have contacts for, nextdoor, and the local SCA discord for good measure.
  • It's 12 minutes and Herschel persuaded her to give him at least three pieces of ham.
  • He is petitioning for a fourth by doing a little puppy dance on the living room rug.
  • "OK, that's enough ham, people will be here in 10. Where is your cash box?"
  • Because apparently I'm running an estate sale today too.
  • It's fine :)
  • There's about 7 minutes of quiet.
  • Then
  • They DESCEND
  • The first on the scene is DeeDee, who doesn't believe in speed limits. She's arrived with a horse trailer. I remember that she is also moving.
  • "HI DORIS SWEETHEART WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS TODAY I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL THIS TO THE GOODWILL HERE LET ME SET UP ON YOUR LAWN "
  • DeeDee is 73, and has a special spiritual bond with Hello Kitty. She weighs like 98lbs, dresses exclusively in neon pink sanrio clothes and the kind of eye makeup drag queens aspire to.
  • She also speaks non-stop at a volume normally associated with jet engines.
  • Half the horse trailer is already spread out on the lawn.
  • Doris is putting price stickers on stuff
  • Herschel is trying to tear open a bag of cotton batting.
  • This, and the arrival of approximately 56 minivans, five more trucks with horse trailers and Corgi Excitement Screaming alert Cunt Magnifique that something is happening outside.
  • Madame saunters off her porch up to Doris and Demands to know what's happening, you're supposed to notify the neighborhood and get a permit to-"
  • Doris, surrounded by her pack of silver wolves, shouts. "OH HELLO! EVERYONE, THIS IS MARCIA. I'VE TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT MARCIA." >:)c

... further details in a bit I think the Vikings are here.

~`* SOMEONE'S GETTING FIRED!!*`~