What do you call a Samurai who is bad at grammar?
Me or Sam.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked.
I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
He said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky charms.
What is it called when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
Wanted: Someone to brush their teeth with me.
Because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won’t prevent tooth decay. No weirdos.
What did the electrician’s boss say when he came late to work?
Wire you insulate?
Why was the child’s blanket arrested?
For being an accessory to a kid napping.
Why does a fork have four prongs?
Because if it had less it would be called a threek.
How are parking spaces measured?
In parking meters.
My wife was angry when I accidentally overcooked the ribeye tonight.
I told her everybody makes misteaks.
I used to be a bus driver but I had to quit.
I was fed up of people talking behind my back.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter orders a beer and the wedge orders a whiskey. The bartender asks the third one if he wants anything. He replies, “No thanks, I’m the driver.”
Why did the dad who went out for pasta get locked out?
He had gnocchi.
I’m quitting my job at the chemical factory.
It’s a toxic workplace.
Some trees are committed to one romantic relationship at a time.
They practice mahogany.
There is no reason to tailgate me while I am doing 75 in a 50!
And turn off those flashing blue lights on your car. They look RIDICULOUS!
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I’m trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.
But he just won’t listen.