My Last Tumblr Post

Sitting here listening to Childish Gambino's "That Power" and when he gets to the monologue about camp really inspired me to write this. I've always been open about speaking truthfully about how I feel about things but I tend to avoid personal talk because I always had trouble articulating my own intimate feelings. Honestly I'm only doing this to get a fresh start and to relieve everything off my chest because that's the type of person I am. They say when you fall in love you experience emotions much stronger than you ever feel which is why it hurts so much more when everything is gone. I never planned on being like this, in the beginning we were just messing around. But then we saw each other every day, I would wait for you after school or we would even go off and eat, just the two of us. You were bored so we would play games together till 2-3 in the morning every day and even when we got off we would keep talking to each other about stupid shit or something more serious like our dreams and passion. You revived my love for drawing and days would past where we would call each other and all I did was draw while you sang. Every morning you would text me to wake up and keep you company. We would even watch your favorite shows. Our train rides home together were fun; we would play all these games or when we were tired we would just cuddle up and sleep. We were friends and I think that was my main mistake. I remember when I told you how I felt, I feared that doing so we would never be the same and I was right. You began to distance yourself. To this day I wish I never said anything and just slowly die inside because at least then no one would know and we would still be closer. I really wish I could say that day on the train I got on it a boy and got off a man but I really got on that train a boy and I never got off...I still haven't. Nowadays I feel we only keep in touch because you know how tormented I am but I think it would be easier if you hated me. Believe me I tried hating you but I can't bring myself to that. I already hate myself for being like this. You know how much it hurts me especially that one time I think a piece of me died. Even when you tried to apologize I know there was no point to you apologizing, you didn't owe me anything nor should you apologize. I was just a naive fool. I think the real problem was that we had two different understandings of love, but now I know and it's too late for me. I honestly hate doing shit like this but I needed a way to clear my mind. So like I told you, go do your own thing and I'll do mine. I'll never resent you but I think I might have to burn this bridge for me to move on because I don't think you ever will.