Where are these magical friends that people talk about where when a person withdraws from life, the magical friend/community comes in and pulls them out of their deep dark and twisty hole they've burrowed into? Where are those friends? I need those friends RIGHT NOW. In between thinking I'm tripping and trying to force myself to get over it I'm also trying to put myself out there and reach out to people new and old and at the same time not wanting to bother folks but wishing so badly that someone would SEE me drowning over here in the corner and allll the while knowing that literally nothing is happening and I'm drowning in my own head. And I'm a stay at home single mom, who has barely any interaction with people. And then when I do open up and try to speak my truth and say "ya know I'm struggling with anxiety pretty bad right now", I get confused looks and idiot comments and remember, oh, I live in a world where its ok to talk about mental health struggles openly but there's still a LOT OF MF'S WHO DONT. Try explaning anxiety to someone who doesnt think its a real thing or that youre overreacting. Its like "umm well, racing thoughts and unhinged fear of everything, can't sleep" and the person says "well make a to do list, i dont get it, WHATS WRONG?" and i go "well...idk my heads just not right" And it hurts because I feel immensely judged. And immediately "other" and it forces me deeper into this hole Ive built. Mind you, I havent actually had that conversation with anyone, THIS IS THE COVERSATION IVE CONVINCED MYSELF I WILL HAVE WITH SOMEONE IF I OPEN UP AND TALK ABOUT IT FURTHER THAN "I am struggling with anxiety". So i just havent said shit. After that first sideways look, im just like alright ill just keep this shit myself. Thats how bad it is. You can't say I'm not trying. Because I am. But I'm grasping at air. And my son ACTUALLY needs me. Like to live. He needs me in order for him to survive. And that's an immense responsibility that I signed up for but in no way was I actually prepared for. I've always had a smidge of anxiety. But this, is overwhelming. And debilitating. And I am not seeing through it. And I can't explain what's wrong, only how its affecting me. And I don't know how to talk about it. And even if I did, I don't feel like anyone would understand. So isolate myself and am devastated when no one is around or comes around. And I hate it.
This is anxiety on 100.
I should be on meds.
