being a real adult now

sorry again for the long silence. I've graduated from my master's program and am now working full-time in the same city, at a local Japanese company. I'm officially an adult for real! the thing is, it's a very traditional Japanese company. they might have recognized my internationalness by making a new subdivision, some kind of project/business planning and advancement section, at the same time as my hiring, but it doesn't change the fact that the office itself is kind of a depressing place, that there are morning meetings and daily records that need to be done that are entirely a waste of time, and that I'm probably not going to get to do what I really, actually want to do. oh, and the women can ONLY wear skirts?? seriously?! I was surprised when the president and several managers told us the first few years would be rough and that we probably wouldn't enjoy our work. in a country where most people don't work at a place that engages their passions or interests, I guess that's not surprising. I reassured myself by thinking that hey, it can't be that bad if they're being this decent to you by letting you join a pretty high-up admin position from the get-go. but I came home today and while I was making my dinner and lunch for tomorrow, I just started bawling. I realized that this is going to be my life for the next few years at least--working 8 hours a day, making myself bento boxes every week, trying to keep up in Japanese and occasionally feeling like an idiot all the while. home is 9000 kilometers and a 9 hour, $600+ flight away, and I've only just moved into my new place, so it's pretty empty still. my closest friends are also working adults in the big city, or they're full-time students. I'm the only person who can keep my shit together for myself now. I feel so alone and overwhelmed even though I know I'm not, and I know I'm really blessed in comparison to a lot of others. my company takes very good care of its employees, and they did so many other extra things for me because I'm a foreigner. I pay virtually nothing in rent because of their support, and I live a 3 minute walk from the office. I have kind coworkers and a more than reasonable salary. I have no right to be upset about anything or to think that this is "hard," because most people would dream of a job with such lenient working conditions. but you can't help it, I know. I cried the very first night after coming to Japan. I was convinced I had made a mistake, just because I had made a huge shift in my everyday life. I hate change, and I get very stressed out dealing with new environments and new people. as everyone always says, it gets better. just the first few days or weeks might suck at first, but eventually I can get over this... I can make it. I know I will. I have to. I joined this company as a stepping stone to what I imagine will be my future career. eventually I want to return to the university I attended as support staff for student-athletes, but I was advised to take a safe position nearby, learn the ropes of business and business culture in Japan, and make my move when the time was right in a few years. that's what I agreed with myself, so even if I just want to run away and pretend that this isn't my life now, I have to take the proper steps from here on out. anyway, that was just me venting into the void. tl;dr I'm an adult even though I don't want to be, but boohoo suck it up, mame, this is what you signed up for.

hello 2018

I’ve been gone another long spell, mostly doing beany things in japan---striking up weird friendships with people who find fart talk delightful, picking up after my many, many boys, scrambling to finish my experiments and thesis, and being my desperately single self. I spent almost all of this year in japan. weird to think that over a year has gone by since I moved for grad school, and it’s weirder still to come back to LA and realize, whoa, LA is a way stranger place than I remember it being! basically, I don’t want to ever come back. if I can find a good employment situation in japan, I’m staying there, probably permanently.

I didn’t think I would fall in love with living in japan as much as I did. I’m kind of scared that I’ll hate it as soon as I graduate and all my classmates go back to their home countries, and I’ll have to cope with being a working adult who can’t be running around with undergrads all the time like I used to. I hate the thought of being an adult away from home (though I’ve also really liked this year of real independence), but I’m 26 now (christ, I’ll never stop feeling mortified about that when I’m friends with 20-24 year olds); I gotta buck up and get my shit together sooner or later. also, I have a fuckton of student debt I have to do something about. sigh.

so, to 2018! if your 2017 wasn’t that great, I hope your 2018 is better; if your 2017 was alright, then I hope your 2018 is amazing.

(and maybe one day I’ll remember my love of pedals...)

today I turn 26

my birthday is on japan’s respect for the aged day, and I’m feeling so old and revered!

I’ve all but dropped off tumblr entirely aside from my queued posts, and that’s because I have a crazy, sometimes stressful, wonderfully full life. research involves touching the muscles of strapping young men in the name of science, my supervisor may or may not be an alcoholic, my classmates are Tired of Your Bullshit and will tell you so, and I’ve somehow adopted approximately 70 members of the men’s soccer team (from one of the best university teams in the country, no less) and teach them english and other useful things, like what a sausage party entails.

my first quarter century on earth was overall kind of bland, to be honest, but this past year was particularly incredible, and I really do thank the powers that be that brought me to Japan. my program is sometimes hilariously broken and backwards and I still have absolutely no idea what to do with my life after all this, but honestly it’s been worth it for the people alone.

I graduate in March of next year, and from there—who knows. I really hope I can stay in Japan, especially somewhere close to my university and my many darling boys, but whatever the universe throws at me, I’ll do my bean best as always.

I’m a pro at making empty promises of writing more fic, so I won’t promise anything for now (though the wheels are turning in my head again as of late). but to those of you who are still sticking around, thanks very much! take care of yourselves and have a great day!