new political compass
my mind was briefly opened to the true state of the universe and i quickly had to write down what i saw therein
the emotional fragility of a Prius driver contemplating his own mortality
emotionally fragile? not this guy:
sooooo can yall help me determine if this is a fireable offense
a lady just came in asking if we have oat milk and we dont so i said “our soy milk is pretty good though, thats what i use in my drinks!” and she looked at me and went “yknow soy milk lowers a mans sperm count” and without thinking i just went “cant lose something you never had”
youre laughing. i got called a soy boy and youre laughing
okay to the people confused by this allow me to shed a little light on the subject
icant fucking breathe
“I’ll DM you,” I said.
You sit patiently, expecting a private message at any moment. There’s a knock at your door. It’s me, dressed in a surprisingly well made wizard robe, arms full of books and dice.
“Roll for initiative.” I utter.
is2g this dude's internet footprint never fails
just learned that magnolias are so old that they’re pollinated by beetles because they existed before bees
They existed *before beetles*
Why is this sad? Why am I sad?
This is how I feel about Joshua Trees. They and avocado trees produce fruit meant to be eaten and dispersed by giant ground sloths. Without them, the Joshua Trees' range has shrunk by 90%.
(my own photos)
Not only they, but the entire Mojave ecosystem is still struggling to adapt since the loss of ground sloth dung. their chief fertilizer.
Many, many trees and plants in the Americas have widely-spaced, extremely long thorns that do nothing to discourage deer eating their leaves, but would've penetrated the fur of ground sloths and mammoths. Likewise, if you've observed a tree that drops baseball or softball-sized fruit which lies on the ground and rots, like Osage Oranges, which were great for playing catch at my school, chances are they were ground sloth or mammoth chow.
You can read about various orphaned plants and trees missing their megafauna in this poignant post:

First quote from the linked article. Found it poetic.
every now and then i have to think of the roman family from two thousand years ago that buried their little daughter in a boy’s athletic-themed sarcophagus and i weep a little because that’s the softest declaration of love i can possibly imagine
i am once again emotional and sleep deprived so let me elaborate to make myself feel better.
octavia paulina was a six year old girl whose sarcophagus was found in her family’s tomb at via triumphalis in rome, dated roughly around the third century a.d. her parents mourned her mors immatura, her premature death, by having the wall behind her sarcophagus painted with the image of a giant meadow with children and a chariot pulled by doves accompanied by hermes leading an unconscious girl into afterlife. (to my knowledge, the doves and the fact that they were led by hermes was a symbol for hope.)
the sarcophagus itself shows athletic competitions between girls and boys alike, and in the most important one on the front, octavia paulina appears as the winner (a palm branch in her hand, which is meant to symbolize her strength and honor, her virtus). her opponent is sitting on the floor, upset. what really stands out is that octavia paulina’s parents ordered a common sarcophagus that was usually used to bury boys with athletic interests or futures but then proceeded to have it remodeled — smaller heads and genitalia cut off etc — to include girls in the relief.
i just get very soft when i think about parents ordering a sarcophagus for their little daughter who think it’s perfect for her and who remodel it to make it even more accurate for her. the thought of parents more than 1.700 years ago thinking their six year old daughter deserves a sarcophagus that fits her personality (rather than what was expected of her as a young girl of the time) despite none being available and then ordering for it to be altered makes me wanna scream because it’s such a human and caring thing to do. maybe octavia paulina even had a say in this because it took weeks to months to make a sarcophagus this detailed.
disclaimer: a lot of this messy little thing was transcribed from what my professor has told us in his sarcophagus class and this article; this is just a rambling post, it isn’t detailed or well put or structured properly, and not fit for scientific research.
In 2000 a Roman tomb from the first century DC was found in Grottaferrata, near Rome. Inside there were two sarcofagi in white marble identifying their occupants. Both people had died in summer, albeit years apart from each other, and had been preserved (an unusual detail that suggests they might have been followers of the cult of Isis). They were mother and son, other inscriptions tell us the tomb had been commissioned by the woman’s younger daughter (the half sister of the man) Antestia Balbina.
The young man, Carvilio Gemello, was around 18 when he died, likely as a consequence of a bone fracture in his leg. The woman, Aebutia, was around forty forty-five when she died and was buried wearing this ring (now housed in the Palestrina Archeological museum)
Behind the quartz window we can still see the face of Carvilio Gemello engraved in a golden miniature that his mother commissioned.
In a way, Aebutia and the parents of Octavia Paulina, succeeded in defying death with their acts of love. After thousands of years we can still see the face of Carvilio Gemello like his mother last saw him, know that Octavia Paulina was an athletic little girl beloved by her family. Life was unkind to both so those who loved them tried to make sure memory wouldn’t be.
time travel fics where it’s Luke and/or Leia who goes back to the prequels as opposed to prequels characters going back to the prequels are incredibly funny because instead of emotional tension you could cut with a knife and horrible grief overlaying every action it’s just one (or two) ridiculously powerful people running around with absolutely no idea what’s going besides (a) that the chancellor everybody loves is pure evil and plotting the downfall of the republic and (b) that their dad (with whom they have a VERY complex relationship) is, at best, old enough to be barely out of space college. who needs complex and carefully rendered plans based on a million different remembered factors when you can have one of the space twins seeing Palpatine and trying to kill him with their illegal laser sword on sight
Leia: That’s a Sith Lord.
Mace: That’s the Chancellor.
Leia: He’s a Sith. He’s ready to blow up entirely planets for the fun of it as soon as he’s got the weapon built. I can prove it.
Obi-Wan: And how do you plan on doing that?
Leia: Hm…
[five minutes later, when nobody’s close enough to tackle her]
Leia, her laser sword in one hand and a blaster in the other: HEY SIDIOUS
Yoda: Taken our eyes off her, we should not have.
Leia, cocking her gunsaber: Diplomacy is for people who didn’t blow up my planet
@thefancytomato ask and ye shall receive
au contraire my friend
the order of the red and blue implies that leia kills him after she loses the gun. this has me thinking of the prequel cast having some epic quest to stop her from killing palpatine and when they finally get the gun she just strangles him
I mean she has strangled before
Wendell & Wild | Official Teaser
Wendell & Wild will stream on Netflix on October 28, 2022.
Teaser Poster
Synopsis
From the delightfully wicked minds of Henry Selick (director of The Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline) and Jordan Peele (Nope, Us, Get Out) comes the story of Kat (Lyric Ross), a troubled teen haunted by her past, who must confront her personal demons, Wendell & Wild (played by Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele) to start a new life in her old hometown.
Ma-ia hi
Ma-ia ho
Ma-ia ha
Ma-ia ha ha
alo
Salut
sunt eu
un… haiduc???
furioustheowlboy
dont you sick fucks make me relive this
SI TE ROG…. IUBIREA MEA PRIMESTE FERICIEEEEEAAAA
ALO?
Alo?
sunt eu
PICASSO
ti-am dat beep
min-taka
si sunt voinic
iuuubire
Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic😂😂😂
min-taka
VREI SA PLECI DAR
Nu mă, nu mă ieei
NU MĂ, NU MĂ IEI
nu mă, nu mă, nu mă iei
I have no idea what happened here
Lucky bastard. It’s stuck in my head now
sweet-vitya
CHIPUL TAU SI DRAGOSTEA DIN TEI
Mya mintesc day oki tay-yay
classaturd
am i having a stroke
shipsallshipshoweverimprobable
What is this? What is this from? Why do thousands of people know what this is. Apparently it’s Romanian. What is it??
They’re the lyrics to the song Dragostea Din Tei by Moldovan pop group O-zone. It was a very popular song in the early 2000s
danyanimated
We’ve finally reached the point where the old memes are too old for today’s generation… Fs in the chat.
We must not despair as long as we are here, we can teach the children about the ancient texts
[ *Shocked silence*
*Bewildered silence*
"Uh...
I'm just Welsh..." ]
MY FAVOURITE TIKTOK OF ALL TIME
obsessed with what's happening on twitter rn
the fact that there is a whole subgenre of "people who probably should google who neil gaiman is before hitting send on that tweet" will never fail to amuse me
Today’s Adventure is that I, after an unintentional 13-hour power nap,
- Got woken up at 6AM by a phone call from a friend stranded in Montana because of the heat wave and almost no cell service because of their crap provider.
- OhSoThat'sHowIt'sGonnaBe.jpg
- Ok.
- I somehow summon a week’s worth of spoons and in less than 30 minutes and 5 phone calls, get them
- A hotel
- An appointment with a mechanic from 2 states away
- A perscription refilled from 2 states away
- and A Pizza
- Go me.
- But then it’s 8AM and there are unscheduled live humans at the door and while EVERGENCY MODE is still on, I have already blown through a ton of spoons, and also probably shouldn’t meet whoever it is wearing just a pair of bootyshorts that say “CRYPTID” in Gothic Font on my ass.
- So I greet them in those shorts and a T-shirt that I manage to put on both inside out and backwards
- #nailedit
- It is, Fortunately, not the mormons.
- it is, Unfortunately, two UPS guys trying to deliver my other in-house friend’s new phone except the new guy doesn’t know how to operate the “sign for package” device, and the old guy that’s supposed to be mentoring him is like, 92, deaf as a post, and doesn’t actually know how to operate the device either.
- by the way
- it is already
- over 100 out
- it takes almost 30 minutes to sign for the phone
- when i get back inside, i discover that apparently the Corgi has learned how to open his kennel from the inside because he is now out of the kennel and waiting for me to come in.
- he also has cat litter all over his face because while he was waiting for me he also learned how to open the baby gate to the cat’s room and help himself to a cat shit breakfast.
- He’ll be fine
- He’s a cattle dog, they’re legally required to have at least 1 really disgusting snack they love.
- but
- more to the point
- i have no idea at what point he learned to open his kennel from the inside
- has he been staying there out of politeness this whole time??
- And
- I got other shit to do today.
- namely.
- I’m seeing a realator
- The Devils most pathetic yet effective demons
- I get a reminder text that I have an appointment with her
- at least
- I think that’s what it is because what she sends me is: “🏡⏰12:00 ❔”
- With the time typed in the middle like that.
- She is, according to her profile, at least 80.
- so I reply “😎👍”
- and then she sends me a string of GODDAMN POST-MODERN EMOJI HEIROGLYPHICS THAT TAKE UP MY ENTIRE SCREEN.
- She’s on an iPhone so half of them don’t even translate across platforms
- It takes me half an hour and three different software programs and goddamn wingdings to translate, but she has sent me the address and rules about masking and not wearing shoes inside.
- in emoji
- instead of like
- literally any other format
- I am
- FASCINATED
- and simply must meet the woman so if I don’t come back to update I got stolen by the fairies but I’m taking the Corgi with me as protection so I’ll see y'all later.
Update:
- It’s not fairies
- It’s Doris.
- might be about to get a sewing machine and/or start an ACAB riot.
Ok, so:
- I’m going to see a prospective house because due to various circumstances, I’m probably going to be moving to the other side of a major metropolitan area in the next few months, but that’s not important.
- I get to the house
- I get a text from the realtor
- The realtor is not the person who has been texting me in emoji
- The person texting me in emoji is the homeowner, who the realtor says will let me in if I want, she’s running late.
- Sure
- Why not
- I put Herschel on leash and go to the front door
- As much crime as he commits at home Herschel The Hanukkah Goblin has terrific public manners, and is Very Cute so I’m about 90% sure the emoji fairy is going to let me take him through the house
- Door opens.
- 90-something blue haired old lady with a spine like a question mark and glasses that could be used as telescope lenses opens the door.
- “OH [Gallus]! How lovely to see you!”
- This woman clearly knows me because she remembers my anniversary was last week and that my sister is back from Australia.
- Problem is
- I know about 500 geriatric ladies with blue hair, scoliosis and extreme prescription glasses, because I am a member of 2 quilt guilds, the scientific illustration guild, the rocky mountain SCA and stagehand for three different theater companies, so I know everyone’s grandma and fuck me if I can tell them apart.
- Wait
- There’s a quilt in thekitchen, visible front hall
- I don’t know faces but apparently I can recognize applique techniques at 40paces.
- “…Doris? From SAQA?”
- “YES! Who is this handsome little man?”
- Herschel speaks enough English to know that “handsome little man” means “this person will feed me milk bones and bacon if I’m cute enough”
- Immediately does a Sit Pretty and Shake.
- Doris is bewitched
- This is fine, but I also know I’m about to severely disappoint the realtor because there is no way in hell I’m moving into this House.
- Because
- The reason Doris is moving out is that her neighbor is a Cunt Magnifique and has been harassing Doris and everyone else to form an HOA and “improve the quality of our residents” because this woman has nothing better to do than be a racist-ass busy body, and recently, she’s set her husband, a county sheriff on Doris, trying to bully her into signing paperwork and threatening her with legal action and writing her up for bullshit property violations
- Ain’t putting up with that shit
- And neither is Doris, so she’s selling all her shit and moving out to live with her grandchildren in Santa Monica.
- But she’s technologically impaired, so the only indication that there is an estate sale happening is a small paper sign in her front yard.
- “Doris.” I say, as Herschel makes himself comfortable on the couch for belly rubs and pieces of ham. “Did you tell SAQA or FRCC or anyone on Facebook that you’re having the sale?”
- “oh, I don’t know how to do all that!” She sighs. “I tried to call the Denver post but they just put me on hold for ages…”
- “Watch Herschel for 20 minutes and he’s only allowed to have that one piece of ham.”
- Pics of everything
- Address, time and pics to Facebook, both quilt guilds she’s in, two more I have contacts for, nextdoor, and the local SCA discord for good measure.
- It’s 12 minutes and Herschel persuaded her to give him at least three pieces of ham.
- He is petitioning for a fourth by doing a little puppy dance on the living room rug.
- “OK, that’s enough ham, people will be here in 10. Where is your cash box?”
- Because apparently I’m running an estate sale today too.
- It’s fine :)
- There’s about 7 minutes of quiet.
- Then
- They DESCEND
- The first on the scene is DeeDee, who doesn’t believe in speed limits. She’s arrived with a horse trailer. I remember that she is also moving.
- “HI DORIS SWEETHEART WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS TODAY I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL THIS TO THE GOODWILL HERE LET ME SET UP ON YOUR LAWN ”
- DeeDee is 73, and has a special spiritual bond with Hello Kitty. She weighs like 98lbs, dresses exclusively in neon pink sanrio clothes and the kind of eye makeup drag queens aspire to.
- She also speaks non-stop at a volume normally associated with jet engines.
- Half the horse trailer is already spread out on the lawn.
- Doris is putting price stickers on stuff
- Herschel is trying to tear open a bag of cotton batting.
- This, and the arrival of approximately 56 minivans, five more trucks with horse trailers and Corgi Excitement Screaming alert Cunt Magnifique that something is happening outside.
- Madame saunters off her porch up to Doris and Demands to know what’s happening, you’re supposed to notify the neighborhood and get a permit to-“
- Doris, surrounded by her pack of silver wolves, shouts. “OH HELLO! EVERYONE, THIS IS MARCIA. I’VE TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT MARCIA.” >:)c
… further details in a bit I think the Vikings are here.
~`* SOMEONE’S GETTING FIRED!!*`~
OK so.
- You know those high school house parties you see in movies, where the person invites only a few friends, but those friends call their friends, and those friends call THEIR friends and soon like 500 people show up to one house and someone calls the cops and that one John Mulaney sketch with “SCATTER!” happens?
- Old people will 100% do this too, except instead of a house party it’s an estate sale on a wednesday afternoon and when the cop shows up there are lawyers present and he is in DEEP SHIT because his wife just spent the afternoon admitting to doing a bunch of wildly illegal shit on tape.
- So when we left off, the party had really started getting underway, because Marcia the Cunt Magnifique had decided to crash the estate sale and whine about “we’re supposed to coordinate garage sales as a neighborhood” and “your friends are blocking traffic on this cul-de-sac while nobody is home” weh weh-
- DeeDee is about ready to throw hands but she is nowhere near the most dangerous of the Silver Silver Wolves.
- That’s Dr. Ruth.
- Dr. Ruth turned 99 this year and went paragliding for her birthday
- So you understand just how hard she goes
- Dr. Ruth sort of hobbles over and point-blank asks “So I understand you’ve been trying to start a homeowner’s association?” :3c
- Marcia
- Entirely misunderstanding how much danger she’s in
- Starts enumerating the TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS of trying to start one, because SOME PEOPLE DON’T RESPECT AUTHORITY and all the paperwork and talking to people and she even had to ask HER HUSBAND. A SHERRIF. To go around and hand people stuff to sign.
- Some people, right?
- Dr. Ruth nods. Some people. She agrees.
- You know.
- Her son is a lawyer.
- Why doesn’t she give him a call?
- Marcia, a Moron: Oh that’d be great!
- Dr. Ruth, hobbling back to Doris: “Don’t worry. David will handle this.”
- Meanwhile
- The Friends-Of-Friends and the Friends-Of-Friends-Of-Friends are arriving, lured in because they heard the words “Longarm Sewing Machine” and “Hand-made quilts”
- Various factions present include but are far from limited to: -Probably Six Quilt Guilds -The Denver Art League -The Denver Leather League -The Vikings -The Klingons -The Colorado Wild Game Share -A Pack of Scientific Illustrators -A Pack of Assorted Scientists they brought with them -The Sheep Lesbians -The Horse Lesbians -Three Extremely Competent Finnish People (My Scientific Illustration Professor and her sisters) who immediately take over the estate sale and turn it into an auction to maximize profit and keep the taxes in order.
- Someone brings two additional Corgi called “Cap” and “Bucky”
- They are Pembroke Corgi, and weigh about 21lbs apiece
- Herschel is a Cardigan Welsh Corgi and weighs 42lbs because he’s hug even for a Cardigan, and is Delighted with his New Minions.
- They worship him as a God and follow him around so every time he sticks his face in something two smaller corgi faces immediately follow, like some kind of adorable cerberus.
- Pelts and meat shares are being traded out of the backs of trucks and vans
- Someone is making bratwurst.
- Intrigued by the Brouhaha, Doris’ neighbors emerge.
- They are also Geriatric and very nervous, because Marcia has been harassing them too.
- They are telling this to the members of these factions that are also lawyers.
- There are at least 5 of them so far and David isn’t even here yet.
- I realize my realtor isn’t even here.
- I decide to text her.
- She is somewhere in the crowd and having a nervous breakdown because She’s SO LATE!!!
- Ma'am.
- It’s 103 out.
- I was just handed a freshly grilled Brat
- Some bitch is incriminating herself on the lawn.
- Nothing scheduled is happening.
- Come sit in the yard and watch the Corgis play on the Palyskool plastic slide set. They’re disassembling it like tiny furry engineers.
- Have a bratwurst.
- One of the Klingons appears, having physically carried my realtor through the crowd, and gently deposits her on the lawn before handing her a Bratwurst.
- Diane, the Realtor, is not much older than I am, and from the preppie swaths of society that has “Never had a dog growing up” and “Didn’t Know People Could Just. Make. Blankets?” and “What is this? It’s like a hot dog but spicy?”
- She is having a LEARNING EXPERIENCE.
- One of the Horse Lesbians comes over and compliments Diane on her Dior handbag.
- Diane thanks her ans compliments the apparently expensive brand scarf she has on. Do you. Know all these people?
- Horse Lesbian explains that she’s part of the SCA, and what that is, and that why yes. Her girlfriend Tasha is an armorer. Yes like for knights.
- More Livestock Lesbians assemble.
- They are pulling off shirts to show off livestock and battle scars, and biceps.
- Diane is LEARNING A LOT TODAY.
- I am just getting everyone’s contact info and making sure Herschel does not consume his weight in bratwurst.
- BWOOP!
- Uh-Oh.
- Marcia’s Husband is here.
- I step out front.
- He has used the siren to largely part the crowd and pull into his driveway but it has closed around him and there is No Escape.
- He starts huffing and puffing about blocked traffic and permits and the like, but this is not his usual Can-Bully-Without-Consequences crowd.
- These are Grandmas.
- Veterans of the 60’s protest front who never let up.
- He’s starting to turn bright red and looks like he’s about to cry and I’ve got my phone out to record whatever Incident is about to occur.
- -And a Mercedes pulls up.
- It’s David.
- Dr. Ruth’s son.
- The Lawyer.
- And I emphasize that The because David is not some mere ambulance chaser.
- David is the guy that the state sends to prosecute Corporate Fraud and Organized Crime and Other State Departments.
- David was part of the team that took down the CO Branch of the KKK.
- David is all of 5'4”, very round and a balding little man that looks like the Dictonary Definition of “Nebbish” that moves with such intense confidence and authority that he pretty much has the Pillar Men Theme Blasting behind him at all times.
- So when he and three other lawyers from the state’s office step out of the car
- Mr. Sherrif goes from red to while like color-changing octopus and I am like 50% sure he shit himself.
- Because what he and Marcia have been doing is Very, Very, Very, VERY, Fucking Illegal.
- “mArCiA!” he garbles. “sHuT tHe fUcK uP!”
- Marcia is standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac, having spent the last 3 hours recounting to anyone who will listen about the ‘measures she’s had to take’ and now the 5 lawyers that were here are delightedly handing over the paperwork that she had forced on Doris and her Neighbors, and pointing at all the doorbell cameras and witnesses out to the state’s top prosecutor.
- Friends
- I ugly laughed.
- FOUR HOURS LATER: -Auction wrapped up with a solid $40K to Doris’ name plus pending sales on some of her larger furniture and antiques
- Plus whatever David gets in damages from the county sherrif’s office.
- Marcia and husband are fucking busted
- Herschel spent all afternoon running around and eating snacks and is passed out on the floor
- Diane is “meeting up with” one of the Horse Lesbians next week.
- The sewing machine went to someone else but I did open my purse and found out Doris or someone shoved a bunch of cash in there.
- I’m getting ice dream and going to bed.
The Pillar Men Theme, in case anyone is curious :D (I know I was. I was not disappointed)
…(looking on in amazement)
…It’s extraordinary to just stumble into the fringes of an epic…
I just. I have to marinate myself in Crimson Peak costumes to calm down
I love the hats when hats should be worn
(If your homoerotic tension is happening outdoors, HATS. Actually Thomas doesn’t have a hat on in this scene, but I’m sure it’s near at hand. Unlike the ladies, men didn’t have hats pinned to their hair, so they could take them on and off briefly with greater ease.)
I love the hair being down vs. up for storytelling rather than whenever you want the actresses to have Beachy Waves.
Hair is up because daytime!
Hair is down because sleep and/or brother-fucking time!
I love how incredibly period everything looks, to the point where even more artistic details often have historical precedent
(Party scene from the movie- look at Edith’s dress)
(Portrait of Ava Lister, Baroness Ribbesdale, by Boldini, c. 1905)
most of my dress history friends agree that, if we were told the film costumes were extant garments from museum collections, we’d readily believe it
it’s such good costuming. the color stories, the shapes, the willingness to really lean into the period, the appropriateness of each garment for its context…truly the anti-Persuasion 2022
FWIW I did a week of background on this film and even though I barely appear on screen (I’m one of the tiny specks of people walking down the hill by Edith’s ear in gif one) I still had to go in for a day of wardrobe fitting in advance, and we were consistently on set 4 hours ahead so they could deal with everyone’s hair, hats, and corsetry. For the background people you barely see! This film took the details SERIOUSLY
We need to embrace the fact that the tumblr userbase is aging. What’s everybody’s favorite kitchen appliance?
Neil Gaiman: *creating a new beloved character*
Neil Gaiman: I shall bestow upon this one the highest honor I can give...
Neil Gaiman: *gives them a really bitchin' coat*
