i think the inherent purpose of humans was just. to have fun. literally what are we doing
we were all meant to lie on the beach, read good books, paint pretty pictures, and fuck while watching the sunset. but noooooooooo we get a credit score and politicians who want to kill anyone who isn’t like them
Anonymous asked:
Can you auction off your remains when you are unalive? I need them.
how old are you??? you can say dead here this isnt tiktok. watch. dead dead kill kill die sex drugs kill dead murder assassination suicide cunt fuck bitch see nothing
how did we end up in a social landscape where people will ask to buy your corpse but censor the word dead
It hadn’t even been 12 hours at the time I made this and Noctyx have been so chaotic on Twitter 😂
Anyways, I’m looking forwards to watching their debut stream this weekend!!!
justfuckingabadusername
worst gif i’ve ever laid my eyes on
why would you say this
I fully understand why westerners thought the platypus was a hoax at first. I’m looking at a real live one moving around and it STILL looks fake.
The one thing that could have made them sound any more made up would have been if you said the boys have secret viper fangs that can absolutely fuck you up with venom, and they do, on their goddamn feet.
cursed platypus facts: * five (5) X chromosomes * only the left ovary works * produces milk but has no nipples. the mother just kind of sweats milk out their chest. nature is beautiful * was nearly called the “duckmole” * swims with its weird fish eyes and ears closed, hunting entirely by electroreception * born with teeth, but then they fall out
just a weird little fella
[attempting to flirt] if i was stuck in a timeloop id desperately explain my situation to you every single reset
[twirling my hair] if i was stuck in a timeloop you would hate me in every single reset
i forgot the furnace guy was coming today. right. so i answer the door and im in my dino pajamas right out of bed and when hes working on the furnace he fucking. he cuts his finger on the furnace. so i take him into the bathroom to do some first aid bc its looking pretty bad and i forgot about the fucking. shadow the hedgehog nice cock sign on my wall. so im standing there. cringing out of my mind. what an impression. youre maintenancing someones furnace qnd you hurt your finger and this person is very adamant about first aid protocol and you walk into their bathroom and just see this shit. what the fuck
dont do this to me
help
notajerusalemcricketd-deactivat
I personally saw this go from 500 to 7000 in a matter of hours
I have a friend who is an HVAC guy and I asked him once while he was fixing our furnace, what the weirdest thing he'd ever seen on the job was and he rattled off a dozen stories, including:
- People answering the door naked
- People answering the door in full gimp suits, having either been interrupted because they forgot the appointment (funny) or dressed up special for him (bad)
- woman with 200+ cats (called animal control, later adopted one of the cats)
- house full of rotting food and garbage
- House expiriencing Major Structural Failure. "Ma'am we gotta leave the roof's about to fall in"
- people who sit and watch him work without talking (talkers are fine, just don't get in the way. Silent people are either suspicious or horny)
- "people leave dildoes and bongs other paraphenelia out all the time. like not on purpose. Just forgetful like. Mostly I worry about thier hygene."
- That time the client had a heart attack while he was working there
- That time a client went into labor while he was there
- the guy with a basement dedicated to Alex Trebek/Jepoardy. "Like, it was perfectly clean. And really well done. He had a working board and stands n' shit. but like. Too many pics of Trebek, you know?"
- Client that kept offering him Homemade Blood Sausage. "Not like hannibal, she was a little old lady from France, so it was an, whatsit, ethnic thing? Really nice of her. But also, no."
So I would like to reassure you that "NICE COCK" Shadow The Hedgehog is not the weirdest thing the guy saw that week, but it might have been the funniest.
Malignant compliance is an effective tool to keep in obese quiver
It’s more commonly known as “work-to-rule” and here’s a great story about one case of its successful use.
“The day after Starbucks workers met at the Bat Cave we found ourselves working an understaffed morning shift but this time it was different. Instead of feeling the normal frustration, those of us who were at the meeting exchanged knowing glances and began implementing our plan of following every rule, thereby slowing down service. We also whispered to partners who were not in the know to slow down, don’t kill yourself. It was as if everyone took a deep breath and began working at a safe and thorough pace. The effects were instant. The speed of service dropped immediately. We ran out of brewed coffee because we were only brewing when the beeper signaled it was time. Everyone stayed in the positions they were assigned and acted only at the directions of the Store Manager. Every 10 minutes when someone was assigned to clean the lobby, we did a thorough job, ensuring everything was clean and properly stocked. Every drink and food order was perfect.
Dan, the Store Manager, lost his mind.”
Also sometimes referred to as “malicious compliance”, and it’s my favorite thing
Thanks to a pair of a bionic gloves, this 80-year-old classical pianist can finally play the piano again. The maestro, João Carlos Martins, had lost dexterity in his hands due to aging and health complications. His face at being able to play piano again says it all. 🎶
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overlord-puffin
Sometimes the future is pretty cool, actually.
Bro he’s so happy he’s crying and that’s making me cry he gets to play piano again after so long I
cringecontrol
João Carlos Martins isn’t just any pianist, he’s one of the best pianists alive today. The dude has been playing piano for over 70 years (his career started when he was 11, but by the time he was 8 he had already won a contest playing Bach), and out of those 70, 56 years he spent playing with some kind of disability in his hands.
By the time he was 20 years old, João Carlos had already been invited by Eleanor Roosevelt to play at the Carnegie Hall, played with the biggest north american orchestras, and recorded the entire work of Bach for the piano. At the height of his skills, he could play 21 notes per second.
In 1965, at 24 years old, he suffered an accident during a soccer match which ended up causing an injury on his right elbow, damaging his ulnar nerve and atrophying 3 of his fingers. This caused him to stop playing for a year, and to play with difficulty until his 30s.
After long periods of physical therapy, but still with much difficulty, he returned to the stages and was received several positive reviews and was acclaimed by the public. However, he ended up developing a work-related musculoskeletal disorder, which forced him to stop playing again.
This wasn’t enough to make him give up on his musical career, and even with atrophied fingers and paralyzed hands, he still managed to play and record all basically of Bach’s work from 1979 to 1985, still being wildly popular despite his difficulties.
However, the worst would come in 1995: at 55 years old, during a robbery in Bulgaria, João Carlos was struck in the head with an iron bar, resulting in neurological sequelae which paralyzed his right arm. After a lot of physical and neurological therapy, he managed to move his right hand again enough to play the piano with both hands, but due to a worsening of his condition, at 58, he started to develop troubles not only moving his hand, but also speaking, so he had to go through another surgery. It didn’t seem like he would recover much movement in his hand after surgery, however, so he used the short time he had before his hand atrophied completely to record one last CD with both hands.
In 2001, at 61, he recorded the album Piano Concerto for the Left Hand, written by Maurice Ravel for Paul Wittgenstein, an austrian pianist who lost his right arm during World War 1.
His intention was to record 8 albums using only his left hand, however, his left hand developed a disease called Dupuytren’s contracture, causing his fingers to become permanently bent and contracted, as well as causing pain. He went through another surgery, this time in his left hand, but it didn’t prevent him from losing movement in his left hand, causing him to have to abandon the piano, seemingly for good.
This still didn’t keep him away from music, and after learning to conduct from a friend of his, he became a conductor in 2003, at 63 years old. Due to his paralyzed fingers, João Carlos couldn’t actually hold the baton or even turn the pages in the score (at least not fast enough to not stall the music), however, so instead the maestro simpy memorized every score note by note. He memorized, on average, 5000 score pages. (Unfortunately, he started to develop dystonia on his left arm, causing it to twitch, which caused him to have to stop conducting for a while, but he came back shortly after and has been conducting ever since.)
He went through another brain surgery in 2012, to recover the movements in his left hand, but at this point it was so atrophied he hadn’t even opened it in 10 years. He still occasionally played the piano in important events, and he even played at the opening of the 2016 Summer Paralympics in Rio, but his playing was very slow and he could barely use his fingers, playing only a single note per second (compare with his 21 notes per seconds back when he was young).
(João Carlos Martins playing at an event in São Bernardo do Campo, 2013)
His bionic gloves were custom made by an industrial engineer, after said engineer saw him playing live and thought he could probably come up with something to help him. After he approached João Carlos to offer his help, the bionic gloves got ready just in time for him to play at the 466 anniversary of the city of São Paulo, in 2020, where João Carlos claimed “this is the first time in 22 years I place all 10 fingers in the keyboard”. Now, in 2021, he often posts videos of himself playing, and he always gets very emotional while doing so, and he is hardly seen without his new bionic gloves.
my writing ability currently feels on par with that of like…. a seven year old. i’m just writing one sentence. then another sentence. subject verb object, dependent clause period. do any of them relate? unclear. that is for god to decide. i certainly can’t.
smallest-feeblest-boggart
the url makes this so much funnier
