Five Years in L.A.

I wrote this poem about my five years spent in L.A. working in the pop music industry, signed to a major record label. It was one of those experiences where you don’t see the sickness until after you leave. I left and my life has completely changed. I also want to make it clear that I met some amazingly true friends while I lived there, some who I still am close with today. This poem is not about them. It’s about my experience in the industry being a pop artist in L.A., and how it felt.

When I think of my time in L.A.

I think of a dried out, washed up dream

I think of striving, begging, pleading

I think of falling asleep, letting darkness take over

I think of plastic and makeup and grinding and no sleep

I think of sickness and decay

But it’s not a sickness of the body

It’s a sickness of the soul

I think of a treadmill, a never ending race

When you reach the next milestone

All you want is more

There is no satisfaction in striving

There is no peace in begging for others to see your worth and tell you your value

There is no true happiness in dollar bills and awards ceremonies and parties and fake friends

All it is is emptiness.

When I think of Tennessee,

I think of rolling hills and deep green trees

I think of I AM ENOUGH.

I think of making art that I am proud of

I think of driving for miles down country roads

I think of taking a breath, a deep inhale with steady lungs

I think of finding the love of my life and the joy he has brought

I knew I wouldn’t find him in Southern California

I had to get out

I had to leave

There is pleasure in a Monday night birthday party with friends who feel like family

There is joy in falling in love and being seen for who you are

There is freedom in humility, in falling to your knees and saying,

“God, I am small and You are great. Let my life be Yours. Let me be a presence of Your love.”

There is power in believing in yourself, beyond metrics and analytics and numbers and dollars

There is freedom.

A tear rolls down my face

I’m still recovering from 5 years of proving my worth

I came to a new place

And I was set free

I will not take this for granted

I will fall to my knees and thank God,

Thank Him that I am free.

Forgiveness

She found herself

On a hot July day

Walking in the woods

Pressing her hands to her own flesh

Tears at the corners of her eyelids

Saying to each and every part,

“I love you. I’m sorry.”

west coast sun

all the things I grew up with

stucco roofs

rosemary bushes

signs cautioning of dangerous snakes

an echo of childhood

long walks

loud music

headphones

turn it up to drown out

emptiness and despair

play the music to find

some sense of hope and longing

it’s all coming back

different state, same west coast sun.

Questions and Answers

The evil one whispers,

Pain will be your sentence.

Darkness will be your inheritance.

I swim through these lies, choking and flailing

The Good One calls.

His voice is quiet, but strong and sure.

I will take care of you.

I will bless you with more than you ever dreamed.

I will give you the desires of your heart.

I will cover you under the shadow of My wings.

I will take care of every worry and fear.

I am the questions, I am the answer.

Do not fear.

Trust in me.

An observation.

How strange, how terrifying, how beautiful

That such hope and goodness and light

Could exist in a heart that also shudders

With pain, tormented by darkness, haunted by fear.

Nineveh

I used to think

Constantly, all the time

Words and stories and poems

Pouring and spilling

Emotions and dreams

Swirling and scribbling

I used to see the world

Colorfully, soaked in magic and meaning

But now

What am I?

What do I see?

A blue light screen

Videos and texts

Messages and pictures

Consuming, consuming

Am I alive anymore?

Am I human? An artist?

Or just a “user,” a “follower”?

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I need to find a way back.

We are driving through

Boston today

The temperature is 5 degrees Fahrenheit

Ice and snow coating every surface

The sun is bright

Passing frozen ponds and rivers

It’s freezing and chillingly bone-cold

My heart is frozen

Desperately, I crave

Heat

I need to thaw, need to start fresh

Let the sun beat down

And melt ice and snow

Let stories and poems leak out

Let ideas and dreams flow and refresh

Let my heart be lifted in prayer

Silent communion, soaked in grace

This is what I ask for

This is what I pray for

Beginning this fast,

I walk into Nineveh.

Best friend.

the night you first told me

you loved me

and i said it back, through tears

feeling the weight and truth of it

rising in my throat

the nights i poured out

shame, secrets, darkness and shadows

and you only said,

“come here,”

and held me tightly,

secure in your strong arms

the nights you questioned

your worth in my eyes

and i pressed you close to me

whispering words of love,

truth pouring from the depths of my heart

the moments you confessed

doubts in yourself

and i stood up taller

a mirror for your greatness and strength

declaring to you all of the goodness and endless potential i see in your spirit

the cards, the meals

the mornings, the promises

the drives, the months

always reaching for each other

hand in hand, arm in arm

hearts woven together

in love, strength, purity, devotion

you are my best friend

and i am yours

what we have is beautiful,

miracle-rare and

steadfast as the ever-rising sun.

Come Home

when the Father looks at a soul

He does not see

the judgments and hatred of a fallen world

he sees

brokenness

His eyes fill with tears

tears of mercy, tears of compassion

He weeps,

aching for a soul to come home

come home to Him

come home to His house of peace

come home to safety, serenity and warmth

the deep joy, the unwavering purpose, the thrill and meaning it gives your every breath

come home to Him

He is waiting for you patiently

He kept the lights on, put dinner on the stove

He lit the candles, prepared a place for you to stay

He is aching for you

please come home

this is where you belong,

safe and sound

surrounded by the mercy and goodness

of a loving Father.

Anxiety.

I found myself again

Sinking into

Those heavy shadows

Feeling utterly defeated

Powerless, trapped

The illness that

Quickens the heart

Soaks the palms with sweat

The cruel master

That steals my appetite

And wakes me up early

Even when I am exhausted

The powerful creature

Who pulls a dark sky

Over my visions

For the future

The ugly, hopeless voice

That fills me with

Dread and fear

I crumbled underneath

The impossible weight

And it was then

That I cried out

In desperation,

God, help me

Father, heal me

Please.

I did not even

Believe that He would

Beaten down, surrendering

To this weary battle

In my mind

Seven days passed

And on the seventh day

The darkness cracked

As a brilliant light

Flooded the sky

I fell to my knees

Weeping,

Praising the God of miracles

Praising the only One

Who can free me from darkness.

To Us

[Or, Why It’s Really Hard To Be Away From You For A Week, or I Wrote This On The Bus For You]

When we plan to watch another episode of Stranger Things

But instead we end up talking for hours

And then it happens again and again

When you make the bacon and the scrambled eggs

And I make the chocolate chip pancakes and the coffee

And we sit in the same corner spots at the table for breakfast

When we pray together

Over the big things, like a hard conversation,

Or the simple things, like a meal shared together

Our never ending list of movies we want to watch together

When we watch documentaries or YouTube videos and talk about psychology or theories or epigenetics or politics

When we disagree on things and I get scared of losing you but even with the heat of the moment, we still maintain respect and kindness

The nicknames you give me that no one else would understand

When you give me a kiss on the cheek or the forehead but you never push me for more or make me feel bad for my boundaries

When we read a book together and you send me your notes and they are incredibly thoughtful and I want to cry

When I ask you to reassure me and you tell me all the reasons you love me with a big hug

Your hand in mine, every day, and it feels like we fit perfectly

The gift it is to know you, to be let in, to be a part of your life and your world

To know every day that I am the luckiest girl.

Woman

I am a Woman,

Power, mystery, beauty, strength.

I am a warm river, rushing and inviting,

Dive in and you will be

Swimming

In honey and fire, cold and refreshing streams

Sit down and

Open your mind

I will share

Thoughts and theories

What does it mean to be human?

Open your eyes

And I will show you

Moments of judgment, criticism,

Pain that could fill oceans

If I show you what I have seen

It will bring you to your knees

If I take you through my memories

You might be tempted

To look away

Uncomfortable, vulnerable

Raw and a little

Bloody

But it’s real.

And when you swallow your pride

And let go of inhibitions

You will find my heart to be

The most nurturing home

You will find

Beauty that makes you weep

Grace that heals you,

Mercy and compassion that strengthens you,

Goodness that inspires you

Courage and resilience,

A force against darkness

I am Woman,

Made in the image of God.

The Lie

She will go

Her whole life

Believing the lie

That she is not beautiful.

Free-fall.

I fell into

The most beautiful love

A safe space

A secret cave

A place to call my home

His heart is warm

His love is pure

And he believes in us

Like the moon rises every evening

When I am with him

My soul comes alive

His goodness and kindness

A soothing stream, quenching decades old thirst

I don’t know how I got here

One day I woke up,

And there he was

Loving me, holding me, pursuing me,

Listening, watching, caring

He is quiet but

His eyes say so much

He is my precious love

And there is no other like him in this world

Before him there were years and years

Heartaches stacked a mile high

Books I read, searching and searching

Turning pages and looking for answers

“How do you find love?

And when you find it,

How do you make it last?”

Hundreds of stories

On pages, on faces, in words, over coffee

I took notes, writing down the key words

I studied diligently

Honesty. Kindness. Humility. Sacrifice.

Centering it all on the Love of the Father

The Love that is completely superior to the crumbled and crushed up

Attempts of Love we create, only to crash and burn

This is a broken world

We are its’ messy inhabitants

And all we want, desperately, dearly,

Is love that will last

Is that impossible?

I look around and all I see are broken hearts

But still, something about him and the way he looks at me

And Us, and the way it feels to be half of this team

Something about going to the River of Life to renew and refresh

Letting the Father take this into His hands

Something tells me,

That is my only hope

And so I take a step forward

And I free-fall.

all holy things.

all holy things

are a perfect mix

of joy and sorrow,

pain and pleasure

for when i love you

my heart comes alive

and my selfishness dies

but my loneliness grows

the more i know you

for the more i know you, the more i want you

but i cannot have you fully,

not here, not on this wayward planet

and when i seek You

You appear like fire

the warmth floods my bones

as i shake and drown in the fury of Your power and majesty

but the sorrow is piercing

and the agony is fierce

for i want to unite with You

but now is not my time

even the height and climax of pleasure

cannot fully satisfy

it will always be accompanied by

craving for more-

the purest friendship

opens a void for these life-giving conversations

the holy call to Parenthood

leaves us bleeding constantly

the cross of being alone

when you would rather be in love

piercing, yet fruitful and ridden with immense, unexpected blessings

the Lover is all that remains

coming when we least expected Him

His knock, persistent, frightening, a comfort

His eyes, intense and longing

His pain and joy mixed,

wanting our hearts but

never fully receiving them.

Treasure

he treats me like a treasure

that he is so lucky to have found

he holds me close like

his most precious friend

he thinks of me and surprises me

with thoughtful words

and caring gestures

he looks at me

with eyes of love

he speaks to me

with a voice that is gentle

and he has captured my heart

like no one else.

New soil

She speaks to him

With the voice of a broken girl

And with every plea for reassurance

He can see how she has been hurt

When her body stiffens and her eyes freeze

He knows that she was left alone

When her gaze falls down to the floor

He knows that she was forgotten

But still, he sees something in her

A spark

Alive

Bonfire bright

And though she sees her heart as in ruins

He sees the soil

For a brand new love

To take root.

The weight of it all.

The weight of a man

Falling in love with you

The weight of his chest

Pressed to my chest

The weight of his heart,

Heavy and sacred

The weight of his kiss

Lips pressed to my face

Our fingers laced

And we whisper,

“I love you,”

Beneath the glittery lights

The weight of the past

The weight of being used

The weight of betrayal

The weight of being forgotten

The weight of trust broken

The weight of waiting and waiting

For someone who never comes home

The weight of it all

Swept away

As soon as he

Sweeps a strand of hair off my face,

Pulls me into him

And says, his heart is mine

This I know is true

The weight of it all.