@justice-turtle / justice-turtle.tumblr.com

Trans women are real women. Black lives matter. Queer is not a slur. If you disagree, fuck off my blog. -- On Tumblr since 2011. Aro, multifannish, mostly transmasculine genderfluid. Icon by anactualbee.

Well, I got like four hours of sleep (no CPAP, obviously), between the Zamboni and the guy with a siren for a car alarm and what-all. Now I have an hour to get through where the shade has gone away and it's too damn hot to sit in a car without running the AC but the library isn't open yet. :P You know what's gonna be hell is Sunday, nothing's bloody open. I doubt I'll wind up going to church, I have *really strong* knee-jerk feelings against the Christian God and I'd wind up liveblogging the sermon, but I am pondering it. :P

I suspect this is the death knell of my Kinktober plans. Damn. :-( I had some good ideas, too. But I *cannot* write porn at the library. And whatever job I can get in a hurry is likely to be soul-sucking and not leave me many spoons to write.

(My aunt, a week or two ago, said that I should get a job as a legal clerk and "if you don't like the boss just stick it out for six months and go somewhere else". I don't know why six months, but that sums her up so well. If you don't like something, keep doing it! Be an Adult! Certainly you don't have any mental illnesses that might cause you to kill yourself if you stay at a job that's too depressing for too long! You just have to learn to Push Through It! She felt depressed this one time, you know! She just didn't let it affect her life! Spoons? Executive dysfunction? You're making up excuses! Just take responsibility for your actions! Refusing to choose is also a choice! Her mother refused to make choices, that's why she was a drug addict! My bio-incubator refuses to make choices, that's why she's got ADHD! ... I don't think that sentence ever came out of my aunt's mouth in exactly that order, or I'd hope I'd have realized I should really stay away from her, but she's gotten very close. I think it was "that's why she's like she is", which is to say, super disorganized and easily distractible, which my aunt has informally diagnosed as ADHD. It's probably some sort of executive dysfunction thing, I agree on that count, but the idea that she could cure it by having more willpower or decisiveness or moral fiber... yeah, I should have left a *long* time ago. :P)

(You know, once upon a time, I *liked* my aunt. She helped me quite a bit, figuring out things like Medicaid and food stamps and getting therapy and whatnot. And y'all know me -- if she hadn't turned abusive on me I would've stuck by her. In twenty or thirty years she's gonna need somebody to visit her in the nursing home. But she's been bullying me for months to burn myself out, waste all my money, do three and four and five times as much as I'm physically or emotionally capable of, while -- may I remind you all -- spending a third of every night NOT BREATHING. The average apnea event lasts thirty seconds. At 38 of those an hour, I'm literally spending nineteen minutes of every sixty strangling in my sleep. Is it any wonder I'm half dead all day? But pshhht, if I was a Good Person like her I'd just push myself until I collapse and then get up and do it all over again. That can't possibly have had any ill effects on me at any previous point in my life. "I haven't seen it." She literally tells me I've never pushed myself in my life because she hasn't seen me burn out in front of her. :PPPPPP Apparently I have a lot of feels right now.)

so i got up to go to the bathroom and there was a pack of coyotes playing in the parking lot. he's not my trickster, but i'm still calling that a good omen. :-)

ahaha whoops: attack of the trolls part 2 is now in theaters near you

aka the reddit anons are back congratulating themselves (oh, is that what we're calling it now) in my inbox

i might turn off anon asks at some point but honestly? *jazz hands* HEY REDDIT



...oh wait, that was your best shot ;P and all it did was get me out of my aunt's place which honestly i should have left ages ago

you have, as the children say, thrown away your shot

i have all my stuff, i have all my friends, and you still have nothing better to do than hope futilely for something else bad to happen to me

(which, okay, my car could break down at any moment, but you know what? the internet will chip in and help me fix it. and you can't stop them :D)

i reiterate: you can't win. you can't drive me off the internet. i'm still here so you're still losers ^_^

yep, so i'm homeless, reddit doxxed me to my aunt

i'm sleeping in my car until we can figure something out because we called four shelters and nobody has any room

this might be a good time to remind anybody that i have a patreon and a ko-fi both under justiceturtle (i think), please don't feel obligated though

obviously there will be a new blog name at some point because the only thing this one is good for at this point is dissing my aunt

i'm just gonna go hide in the library bathroom and cry for a while cause i don't have any kleenex

Sometimes I really wonder why I think I can write, an occupation that famously involves processing human motivations. ^_^

Ejector Darpen left Starfighter Command because everybody was laughing at him, didn’t he? I literally just pieced that together. He wanted to get away from the stupid nickname. I just took it at face value that he left because he was kind of a shitty pilot. Seriously, it took working on an AU where he turned up for other reasons to actually make that process for me. O_O

(I mean, the nickname wasn’t even his fault. It was a funny story, but nothing in it even indicates that he was that bad of a pilot. Hell, he survived. If you can’t embrace the fact that you survived a hilarious equipment malfunction and got a silly nickname out of it, I’m not sure what you’re doing in a Rebellion where half your shit isn’t working at any given time... ^_^)

(Huh. Both the stories Wes tells about the Tierfon Yellow Aces involve multiple concurrent equipment malfunctions. Just, one of them ends in tragedy and the other one is comedy. I wonder if the whole early Rebellion had that much trouble keeping their shit working, or if the Yellow Aces were worse equipped than your average Rebel cell for some reason?)

Wait, apparently I *did* put my CPAP mask on? The app says I slept three more hours with it on. Apparently when my aunt came home I woke up just enough to take the mask off -- maybe had a conversation? -- but I have no memory of that part. O_O

Wait a sec, is this revenge? Cause I was getting ready for karate last night and summer uniform involves the dojo t-shirt which is $12 and I’ve been avoiding asking my aunt about it, but all my t-shirts are like neon or tie-dye and when I dropped off my aunt’s letter of three-months-notice I told sensei I’d be there on Tuesday, so last night I told my aunt about the t-shirt thing and she tried to put me off, she said “ask them today if they even have your size and then on Saturday we’ll see” (dude, the top half of me is not that fat! it’s my ass that nothing fits), and I pointed out that I had not a suitable t-shirt to wear today, and she gave me this intensely disgusted look and tried to trick me into breaking a twenty so she could point out that i had enough money and force me to spend it (all our interactions around money are this dance of trying to get me to admit I have some, which I bloody refuse to admit I have maybe a hundred dollars left because then she’ll force me to spend it all on petrol and shit, and then I will be totally dependent on her while trying to move out, she says this will Motivate me to get a job, I’m not sure if she actually believes that or just wants to control my spending like all good abusers do)...

...where the fuck was i? right. so i claimed i could not break a twenty, which was actually true because i spent all my small bills at pride, and i claimed i had paid for the pride dance from my patreon/paypal account and didn’t have any cash, which was a lie because that would be complicated and full of atm fees because the dance was cash at the door, and she first claimed she had only one twenty in cash to last her till payday and i had to break it because she refused to give it to me and let me bring change back, which is not the way to get me to play your game, pretending you trust me and then acting betrayed is way more effective at actually upsetting me, but then she produced two fives and asked if I had two bucks and I made equivocal noises, because as mentioned I actually didn’t have two ones, so she told me to scrape up the other two dollars from the tin of laundry quarters, which I did

and then she told me she was going to bisbee and might be out late, and then i went to karate and i have not seen her since? but the cat howled all night cos he was sad she was gone, and now the blinds are open again so she has been here at some point

and i’m not sure if the staying out all night and not calling is some kind of weird revenge for making her spend money on me, like reasserting her power over me some way. Possibly?

god FUCK it one of these days i will manage to put my cpap mask back on before falling back asleep

instead of sleeping an hour with it on and then seven hours without it

now i’m all headachy and also annoyed at myself

i really thought i was going to manage it this time

at least my aunt has been here the blinds are open again so i don’t have to telephone anybody

still no texts or voicemails explaining what the shit happened, she has kittens when i’m out a little late and makes me explain where i am/was under the heading of I Worry About You but this does not go both ways, i get the impression she very much feels that explaining anything would be an inversion of our power dynamic i.e. I Don’t Have To Justify Myself To You

i’m so motherfucking *exhausted* and i don’t like it

Um, guys? My aunt said she “might be out late” visiting somebody in Bisbee (and because auditory memory, idk whom), but it’s 1am and she’s usually in bed by 9pm. She didn’t say she’d be out *overnight*. I mean, I know she pooh-poohs the idea that the cat worries and she probably doesn’t give a shit if I do, but I woke up just now and the cat is stressing out. He’s yowling at her bedroom door, going back and forth between there and the driveway door, asking as plain as a kittycat can why she isn’t home yet. :-( I swear to god this cat is smarter than me sometimes. And she insists he doesn’t love her!

I’m... assuming so far that she is staying overnight in Bisbee, she knows like half the town. She probably just got talking with somebody, decided it was too late to drive back, and decided not to bother calling me because she thinks I don’t care. (I am... undecided whether I care or not, but I wish I knew what to tell the cat.)

I’ve shut the front blinds. If I wake up after about six or seven and they’re open, she has been home. If I wake up and they’re *not* open? Then there will probably be anxious turtle noises trying to figure out whom to call next (after presumably my aunt’s cell phone).

(If they’re open and yet it turns out she is dead and her ghost has been opening the blinds so the houseplants get sunlight, I will lol, because my aunt would be the most terrifying ghost. Nobody would ever be able to live in this house again. ^_^)

An assignment I actually wrote on the board this week:

In groups, write 2 sentences (in Latin) using only the vocabulary in your textbook. Make sure to include:

  • 1 irregular verb
  • 1 imperfect verb
  • 5 cases
  • BEES?

I’ll elaborate in a minute, but I need to stop laughing first.

So I’d originally planned on a 20-minute grammar lesson, followed by a handout to be finished in pairs, but I’d made the mistake of telling this class about Latin Day in April and how we were encouraging them to come to school in costume. All they wanted to do was talk about costume opportunities (and since I would like to keep my job, I had to explain why staging Caesar’s assassination in the middle of the lunchroom would be a Bad Idea), so I shifted gears and decided to channel that creative/social energy into a different assignment.

After lugging them through a condensed version of the grammar lesson on irregular verbs in the imperfect tense, I split them into groups and pulled an assignment out of the air.

The requirements:

  • Write two sentences in Latin
  • Use ONLY vocabulary from the textbook
  • Include at least ONE irregular verb
  • Include at least ONE verb in the imperfect tense
  • Include 5 (out of 6, including the vocative) cases

The goal:

  • To write them on the board for their ‘rival’ groups to translate

They are a competitive bunch, so I knew this would be enough to encourage them to go All Out. But then one student raised her hand.

“Can our sentences be about bees?” she asked.

Bees. I swear this class has a thing with Bees. I hesitated. “There are no bees in your textbook.”

“Yes, but you taught us that word.”

I had, back when this same student had asked me how to say “the bees are suffering” for a kahoot she was writing. Granted, this same student is planning on coming in on Latin Day dressed as Caligula’s horse, so none of this surprises me.

I opened it up to the other ‘groups’. “What do you think?” I asked. “Should we let them write about bees?”

“No,” said one student with a heavy sort of solemnity, looking me dead in the eye. “We should all be required to write about bees.”

As the rest of the class eagerly cheered and nodded in agreement, three things occurred to me.

  1. The word for bee, “apis”, is a 3rd-declension i-stem noun, which they could use more practice on.
  2. They’re going to want to describe the bees, which means they will likely also be practicing noun-adjective agreement with a 3rd-declension i-stem noun, which they could also use more practice on.
  3. This could be flipping hilarious.

And so I added “BEES?” to the list.

The results:

1. apes ingentes Hannibalis ad Romam ibant. Moenia vincunt et Romanis miserum dant.

“The giant bees of Hannibal were going to Rome. They conquer the walls and give misery to the Romans.” In hindsight the noun miseriam would have been better, but still solid. Mentions bees AND misery. Implies an AU where Hannibal brought giant bees across the Alps instead of elephants. Carthage wins the Punic Wars. 10/10

2. Argus ignem sui amoris dare volebat ieiunis, ieiunis apibus. “Arge!” apes dicunt. “Nolumus accipere ignem tui amoris.” Argus desperat et se in mare conicit.

“Argus was wishing to give the fire of his love to the hungry, hungry bees. ‘Argus!’ the bees say. ‘We do not want to accept the fire of your love.’ Argus despairs and hurls himself into the sea.” Descriptive. Tragic. Mentions fire. Has something for everyone. Also 10/10

 3. regis magna apis volabat, et volebat occidere regi. “Beeyonce,” inquit, “uxor es. Ama me.”

“The great bee of the king was flying, and he was wishing to kill for the king. ‘Beeyonce,’ he said. ‘You are my wife. Love me.’ ” 100/10 for Beeyonce.

Guys, I’m getting paid to do this.

I miss when the 24/7 news cycle was just catastrophizing stupid shit for attention. ;P I don’t think there’s been a week since November 2016 without some massive, genuine tragedy or crisis, something that would be the human rights / political news story of the year if it wasn’t preceded and followed by things just as huge and dramatic.

That’s over eighteen months. That’s enough time to make two entire babies in a row, although hopefully not in the same uterus. That’s... that’s a lot of time to be angry and engaged. Which I have not been, I’ve just been trying to stay as far away from the news as I can so as to not die, but I’m still so tired. Even my hyperempathy is starting to burn out. I can’t *care* what humongously evil shit they’re doing this week, because there’s gonna be something even worse next week. :-(

*hides under the internet, which admittedly is a bit like hiding under the box of fireworks to get away from the noise*